Fortune Telling and Real-Time Travel

Though not a betting man, I could comfortably guess that most of you are at work right now. Or school. And after a nice spell of days off, too.

Not all of you though. I know I’m not. I tend to work the holidays though.

But there you are.

Here we are.

In this moment of time brought to you, more than likely, by boredom whilst near mindlessly scanning through social media. It happens. Just a bad habit, like smoking or masturbating on the subway. Well, maybe not exactly.

Nevertheless, it is here we be and be we shall. But being can make you think of what has, or might have been. It may stir pondering regarding where this all belongs, your life or just life in general, when it becomes a finished story.

We all wonder that. Where it all might go. The past comes up, sure, but the past is dead.

It is an imperfect human record anyway.

Things slip away.

That time I evidently nearly broke some older kid’s nose on the school bus because he was making fun of me. Or that other time we haggled over the price of microwavable stuffing in the only store left open on the block at four in the morning. Those were stories that I had lived, yet were only revealed to me years after occurring.

But the true wonder, I dare say, comes from what might still be. Maybe you have supernatural foresight of coming events. Maybe you all do, and are just intentionally keep me out of the loop. Which is a total dick move.

Still, I say with near certainty that we all go through time as it comes and goes.

And I also say, with slightly less but still pretty good certainty, that it is the best way to go. The less you know, the more you learn. And let me tell you folks, the more unpredictable, the better. Or at very least, the more profound. That may just be my opinion, though.

Unexpected circumstances have grown into a sort of forte for me. Personally and professionally, though I may be better at one of those categories more often than the other. But hey, practice makes perfect.

But which one among you has a top ranking memory that you saw coming? That you knew was going to happen as it did? And I’m talking about one of those swept off your feet or kicked in the ass kind of moments. The ones you could and probably did set as some sort of foundation for personal expansion. I dare to reckon that most of what you thought might happen in your life, just passes without much thought or concern. The big moments, however, maneuver through surprise.

A night out with friends no one expected much from yet is the one you still talk about all these years later.

Almost getting hit by a drunk driver.

The first time you ate cheesecake.

Someone important to you dying too young.

The day at summer camp you met your still best friend.

The one who got away.

If you don’t want to say things like that have changed you, they at the very least influence how life is perceived. Absorption of such phenomenon can take time. Sometimes, it can take a life time.

For example..

It may be impossible to fully understand the gift that is my daughter.

If luck is a thing, I’ve been granted vastly more than a king’s share. As I write, that little girl of my own flesh and blood is most likely gazing up the vast world in big blue eyed wonder, as smiles paint her face and laughter fills her body.

Or she’s filling her diaper. She’s only three months old, after all. Her hygiene skills are not very developed.

Yet, without ever knowing that she would ever exist, I now refuse an existence without her. And this will only grow as she does. It won’t be effortless though. She will turn sixteen someday, you know.

But this has not become a parenting blog just because I’ve become a parent. I’ve only been one for a few months anyway. Who knows how good I’ll be at it? I’ll give it hell though. Having good parents myself helps as a model, so I should be able to figure it out. Her mother does a damn good job at it so far. After all, they say it’s always easier when you love what you do.

So I say now, fire your soothsayer. And don’t go seeking another one. ‘Tis not worth it, friend.

Be it a blind, old wise man or a palm reading gypsy woman with a mustache and an apartment that smells vaguely of burnt rubber- it makes no difference. Even if what they said could even slightly resemble the truth, it’s not worth knowing until just as you need to. Who wants to ruin the surprise party? Or march right into the doomed fate you had worked so hard to avoid?

Prophecy might sound great and all, but I rarely hear of it being sunshine and roses. Just ask Oeddie and Jo. They were as able as headless chickens in missing the cleaver.

But the ol’ timey Greeks were a bit grim, so I would advise trying to dodge the foretelling of doomsdays as much as possible. Keeping the TV off should help with that.

I cannot say when the next time I write will be. It hadn’t felt right for sometime now and despite my hope for reinvigoration, I’ve dropped the ball before. But since the first short story I drummed up without being told by a school teacher, my mind has known it cannot go with trying to string meaning from the written word.

But no writer wants to be a drag to read. At least I hope not. So I shan’t waste your time. Not while you could be ever reaching into the unknown, heart a-pounding and mind agape.

Just be ready to be unprepared.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 5.20.12

I sat in my living room in what at first appeared to be silence, saying nothing and thinking almost nothing. Then room began to fill with the beautifully metaphoric sound of ticking clocks in a creaking house. I spent all day thinking and regretting the time that I’ve lost. The ideas held by a teenage boy still ring in my head but I’m 20 now, aren’t I? I’m actually 2 months out from 21. Has this dreaded time come? Is the fun over? Is my spirit dying? Will I soon be too far into my adult life to keep playing out my dreamt up aspirations?

I fear what I may lose, including this right here. Who knows if my writing will fall away to the responsibilities that are tossed upon me? Those terrible things that are tossed upon us all from birth. It’s quite unfair if you ask me. Before we are even born, we are set into the routine of how things go. This is very much true and in effect here in the ‘land of the free’. I wonder if ‘the land of the free’ is trademarked. Wouldn’t that be irony so beautiful that it makes you want to throw up?

I have thoughts of productivity right now, so I think I’ll finish my ice cream and go to bed. I guess I am growing up, and turning into Kathy or whatever the hell her name is. The one in that not really funny comic strip.

Meanwhile, in the Future…

A whole day more of dreaming come and gone. Would you like to see what has come from it? As would I, my friend. I don’t really even know what’s changed from the top of this page. I at the very least want to believe that something has changed. I feel as though I remember something different from this but I have no idea what really was. I never will either. I will most likely never know what this week did for me. I went off of Facebook for a week. How sad my accomplishments have become. I will hold the record for 7^th place finishes.

It is now a new day as I freeze these words in time. The clock alerts me to the change in date and I can only turn my head as it laughs. I don’t have the thoughts as of now. I apologize.

It’s very difficult, you have to understand. When you are told to do something and you have to because the only other party involved has already gone ahead and done it so you’re left with nothing but your hands in your pockets and the terrible feeling of nowhere to go. And the worst part is, you just wake up in your bed way past noon to the sound of rain beginning to fall on leaves outside my open window. I will miss the tyrannical serenity of this place.

All this and still a day late. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do for I have been stricken with the imaginary disease of having no dough. This revolution of mine is a lot of work and I’ve hardly even gotten two steps into this whole ordeal which will be a marathon in length, metaphorically or something like that. I don’t imagine I’ll be able to stop until the sparks stop shooting from my brain. The thing that makes this the most disgustingly adorable attempt at changing the world without a doubt has to be that this room must be clean before anything else can get going. I also have to wait for a change of scenery. The dough thing definitely limits my mobility. I travel on borrowed miles.

So all I can do now is really something that I haven’t done in quite some time. I have to sit in my little cell of peaceful confinement and wait out a few days. Waiting will bring thoughts and thoughts and thoughts with nowhere to run to. Self created problems and solutions all have to be dealt with before the long march in to the bring light of tomorrow.

There is always the chance that light isn’t the nuclear holocaust and if there’s a chance I could risk losing my whole life as I’ve known it, I should certainly take such an opportunity. Any fool knows the bigger the risk the bigger the payout. Fools usually make sound financial decisions.

This room still isn’t clean and it would appear that I’ve tossed away a few more hours away on more nothingness. I know why I’m not moving in any direction, least of all forward. I’ve known this whole time. A man could spend his whole life chasing an idea without any regard for whether it’s real or not. For the measure of merit in a man is the passion that he pursues what he sees, even if it was never really there.

I apologize for all of this. Someone once told me the rain is romantic. I get like this here and there when it rains. I also do this when it’s sunny, so I’ll just apologize for myself in general. It’s not all bad but I can see how it gets borning.

Down Here on Earth

                So I had this whole column already written and yet here I am writing this now which means the other one will most likely never be seen. Oh well, these things happen. So why am I here writing a new column you ask? Well I’m hoping at some point during this, the answer will eventually become clear.

                I wrote this whole bit about this generation being lame and how we need to be the opposite of lame. I suppose I then read it enough times to decide that I’d rather participate in the act of not being lame rather than continue it just to complain. I want to be part of the solution.

                So here we are just you and I again. I hope all has been well or at least bearable and I can rather safely assume it has been if you’re reading this now. Now give me a moment as I try and come up with the next question to ask you. I can feel myself become more lost as I stand on the eve of my last year of school and I suppose that should only be expected. What else have I ever really known besides going to class and getting grades? I’ve lived a privileged life and if you don’t believe me, I’m pretty sure there’s an office around here that would love to tell you all about it themselves.

                I think we’ll talk about ambition and maybe a bit about justice. We’re not going to talk about love because I don’t know if that ever really ends well and I don’t know all that much about it. I’m sure we’ll touch on morality and a tad bit of existentialism. So we’ll start with this morning when pulling myself out of bed seemed to be the most burdensome task I’ve ever had to complete and that’s rather disheartening. Why would I ever want to leave the world of dreams to go around and perform all of these tasks that are required of me regardless of how necessary I personally deem them?

                I left my bed because I had to, as I did the day before and the day before that. The injustice lies in the idea that has been accepted as fact that we will all have to do this until that day we die. We have to do things that we don’t really want to in the hopes that we can earn money so we can buy things that we don’t really need. It’s a vicious cycle that has been happening for generations and I suppose that’s why it’s all been accepted as such a concrete method of life. The beauty in this is that nothing is concrete. We are not as victimized as we like to think and although the forces of the world seem to make us small and powerless, the world itself is quite small compared to the galaxy or the universe or anything that lies between.

                I believe that this is where the issue truly lives. Our perception of things is off, not that we are bigger and more important than we think but rather the opposite. Now bear with me as I try to explain how this would work. We feel that the motions of this planet keep us in place. Never being able to truly break free from the set standards and rituals that human beings have convinced themselves are so important. If you know nothing else about the universe, you should know this. It’s big. It is actually beyond big and I’m going to be so bold as to say it is exponentially larger than anything any of us has ever known. We in comparison are really quite small and not very significant.

                But Brian, how is that supposed to help?

                Well I’ll tell you, sport. Since we are very small and don’t mean that much, we are then free to enjoy our lives and experience the full wonder that this thing we call existence has. Most of the issues in our lives are trivial and even the ones that may seem profoundly important as they happen, will all eventually fade into the dusty attics of our minds. Let me give you an example. I dated a young woman my freshman year. Long story short, things didn’t pan out so well and I got dumped. I was crushed and sad and spent all my days listening to melodramatic acoustic songs that I felt represented my life so perfectly. That was almost three years ago and even though I still see her around, all I can do is laugh and blow her kisses when she gives me dirty looks.

What I suppose I’m trying to say is that no matter what issue may be consuming your thoughts now, it will not be permanent. There are so many things in this life that deserve  our attention including good music, sunsets, daydreams, good jokes, St. Patrick’s day, anything that Neil deGrasse Tyson says, anything that Louis C.K. says, having shoes on your feet, being able to eat every day, being able to read and the very simplistically complicated phenomenon that is being alive. Everything else should be regarded as background noise. 

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The Cries of the Disgruntled Citizens

Ok, so has anyone else watched the news? There are things that are brewing within the mass civilized population that might just be worthy of our attention, even more than Modern Family. I sat at my computer tonight and just clicked around here and there and found riots in Rome and people being arrested in banks in Manhattan. Maybe it’s just the sites I find, but there seems to be a species very fed up with how it lives. I don’t know if there is really any plan in development, but that’s probably due to the lack of leadership. These uprisings don’t seem to be producing and names to the forefront of what’s going on. Then again it is still early.

Actually if you were in London, you got to see Julian Assange. Indeed an interesting person and there can’t be denying that. He may be considered a criminal to some, but so are a lot of people these days. That may or may not say something about the state of play, but I think we need not go further into the subject. Point being, that’s one. That is one profound character in the fray, so to speak.

Actually, my apologies; Kanye West showed up to Occupy Wall St. We’re saved. I don’t really like Kanye. I’m sorry but he rolls around in money and I don’t really like his music or anything he does. However, I am not here to hate, so I shall not.

People are upset, but where can you direct anything? Our politicians do nothing. We all seem to know that and just accept it. There was a presidential candidate who had a reality show. Did you know that? In the arts you can find independent spirits here and there, but even artists have lost their integrity. There’s the guys who make South Park, whether by intention or not, who have a fair share of cultural impact, but maybe that’s just my personal bias to the power of comedy. Then again look at George Carlin and Lenny Bruce, two men who were prophets of the brick wall.

But we are still stuck in this rut of being all disgruntled and having nothing effectively being done about it. Again, this is only an infant stage of anything, if it even becomes anything. For all we know, we the people, may submit to a lifestyle of debt and ultimate destruction because that possibility is so very real. It may be something scary to talk about, but it can’t be something that is not brought up here and there. We consume at insane rates and replace damn near nothing. Most of the technology that is available to the public is less than what it could be so it could boost profit for somebody somehow, be it the gas in your car or waiting for the new iPhone even though and newer one will be out something like a week later. We spend money we don’t have on things we don’t need, like war, which whether you think it is just or not, is insanely expensive and we’ve been at it a decade now. That is a long time to be spending that kind of money and all the while the rest of us at home pay for it with the debt of our lifestyles.

Our generation is already in debt. We have hardly done anything and we already have to be prepared to embrace the massive weight of the actions of all those before us. There are big changes in the future of the human race. It’s about time if you look at the patterns. It may also be something bigger than anything ever before. If you look around you can see we are using our planet so poorly and cluttering the whole place up that it may just get rid of us soon. It does that, it will clean itself.

I suppose it’s just something to think about, but don’t be caught unaware. It is only through these types of things that we make those big steps forward as a civilization. Assuming we don’t trip.

I think we should see why this is happening in Canada. It might just be the answer.

Long Sweaters with Reindeer – I

When I was about seven years old, and for a year or two before and after that, I hosted a radio show. It was on the bus. It was made up. It was myself and my closest friend at the time. His name was Kurt.

Shit symbolism. But to make the point, I pretended everyday that I was doing what I go to school for now. So why is it that I don’t do more of that stuff that little shit kid called Brian thought was cool? Insanity I know, but it did not prevent it from happening. Yet even the consideration of this prolongs it further. There is almost always a breaking point for these types of things.

So the list. That was the next step, so we shall commence. First on the list… hold on. I should think about this. I have to be able to follow through with the first thing on the list, or else I’ll have no courage to try again. So what should be done first? I suppose and kind of trust that whatever I want to do the most, should be up top.

So what is it that I want to do?

Thought about it. Tell jokes. I should tell some jokes. Maybe get out in the real world and come up with some material. Maybe nurture it into some sort of higher status. Anyway necessary or possible or both will do. So I’ll go to an open mic. So I’ll bomb, I might get a few laughs. Even if I just babble. It has to be real babble though, not anything force. I have to get comfort with that stage. I have to know the feeling, or at least stronger than this. I need to get out and that’s how I’m going to do it. That’s how I’m going to vent. It’s pathetic. It’s beautiful. It’s all I ever dreamed of and such.

The next, and I feel is just as vitally important, is this act. I shall speak no more of it now because I can always talk about it later.

I’ve been acting, but I’m thinking it won’t kill me to maybe memorize my lines. Ya know, since this thing is coming up fast? I don’t doubt I’ll do it, but it may not kill me to be more on top of this. I wouldn’t mind having it as a job one day.

But dig for a moment, I’m tired. Keep tuned.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 10.9.11

Ok sooo…. Here I am. Right? Ok, we can try and start there and see how it chooses to progress. Or do I choose? What is choice? Click here and find out.

I extend a high five to whoever clicked there. Your curiosity is courageous and inspiring. It’s a breath of fresh air, as they say. Who are they? Not important I say, because I am solely beating around the bush, as they say.

See, I’m presented with an issue. It’s this little bug that gets at me sometimes… except it’s not really little. It may even border on being considered within the class of one of those really important and valuable things in life. I think it’s loofas, or is it looffahs? Hold on, let me check it.

It’s actually Luffa, but that’s just the plant that it’s made of, or inspired by, or copied or whatever. Either way, I’m caught in a stance and I’m afraid to step. Whether there is or there isn’t, I feel as though I’m walking on a mine field that at any point could just set off into this huge glorious explosion that would be cool to have classical music playing over. Like in that movie, the one about the influence of a good mustache and having a record player.

But I am besides myself, and not really understanding what I meant by that, prolonging a state of confusion… I guess. I don’t really know, so I’m going to make this crazy inference… about nothing because I’m struck and all confused and stuff and it’s like really bad because it’s making me write these long ass sentences that sound like a 13 year old girl and it sucks and I hate my parents and fuck the president and viva la revolution and yeah man I want to fight for something or about something or just have the strive enough to even consider a fight and maybe I did before but where was I then.

Ya know what I mean?

Where the fuck has that taken me here? That’s not even a sentence! My computer sucks. I want a typewriter. And an accordion.

And you’re tearing me apart Lisa! And I’m so crappy at my job and it’s alright.

Time warp

`               That was on Thursday, the 6^th. It is now Sunday the 9^th. Things have happened between here and then. Certainty is not, never has been and probably never will be my specialty or something even good at. So I stand uncertain now. Or sit rather.

And the amount of time that has passed since the first word until now is substantial, unless you think about it. I wrote this whole bit in my math class, but I forgot to bring that notebook with me to work, so it’s not making it into this. It was strange to write by hand. I’m rather hungry too. Something smells like Ellios pizza. It’s driving me mad.

Yet there’s nothing. I’m quite. I’m seemingly sad, or so I’m told. I’ve been quite. I was quite last night. I was quite this morning. I was quite yesterday morning. I’m quite like something that doesn’t want to be seen. I don’t want to be found. Couldn’t I hide for a little while longer?

No. You can’t. You have to get up and face the day and march forward. My Dad told me that I need to get ready for the long haul of the repetition of the routine of the real world. Every day is essentially the same. He told me to keep up with hobbies. He makes beer. That’s his hobby and it’s a rather successful one. He’s created his own brew too. It’s sort of an IPA he said. I’m sure it’s good. I’m sure it strong. So drink deep. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em boys.

Tests and classes and parades and coffee shops and plays and scripts and songs and jokes and jokes and jokes and love and sorrow and joy and booze and greens and nicotine and questions and answers and lies and subtleties and whatnot. I would like to stress that I don’t have evil intentions or urges. I’m just sick, in a sense. It’s not really sick, but the way most people would look at, it would seem as a disease. All it be is this constant drum of ideas, a fluid rhythm that makes no sense unless you’re me. It doesn’t even really make sense to me.

I crave experience. I don’t want to die not having lived through this incredible journey. It can’t all be good because that would be stupid and bland and dry and who would want to watch a movie about something like that?

So I guess what I’m driving at is an apology, or better yet an explanation. Run if you can, but understand that with knowing me and choosing to be associated with me, there is this grey area. It’s inexplicable and I don’t know what it means or what will happen but that’s most of the fun. I like to listen to big band and blues and classical and psychedelic music. I like to read and write and that never leads to anything good. I like to tell jokes and am beginning to understand that I enjoy when life seems as though it is this vastly chaotic clusterfuck with the illusion of blocked paths and destruction. I like to conquer that, even though I’m not that good at it yet. But that’s why I do all of these absurd and insane things. It’s practice.

Someday I’ll be a pro at this who life thing. That, or I’ll die trying. Get it? Huh? Huh? Eh, go back to sleep.

The Age of the Squirrels and Their King

I wish my words had more prose. I wish that the news wasn’t so depressing, especially at 7am. I wish I didn’t feel so tired all of the time. But we all wish for things, so I’m not really different. I am not unique and my thoughts are not profound. I can’t fix anything because I’m not strong enough, but I am not strong enough to really break anything. It’s some other entity that does all of that.

But you know what I say? Let it all fall down. Let the world crumble upon itself and see what its tenants do. See if they’re capable of all of the things that they claim they are. Let’s see if that can compare to the ones that came before them, or if we’re just a dumber, fatter and more out of tune version of the greats that came before, if you even want to call them that.

It’s hard to tell, but I say let it fall just the same. See what people do when there is no such thing as an economy. What happens when food is what you can catch? Well to start, half of the population goes, at the very least. This generation and I’ll argue that a few before it have become too soft from our comfy lives. We don’t know how to get our own food, so we’ll fight and people would die. But the squirrels will be fine. I’m sure. They may be the next great species of this rock. It’s the dawn of a new age.

But I suppose most of the people don’t see anything like this. They say the economy is going into another recession. That’s a phrase that means almost nothing to me now. Like terrorism. The word terrorism, or terrorist or terror has no value. They don’t scare me or make me tread lightly, they just annoy me. The sound of that means some sort of inconvenience in my life. Did we kill their king anyway? Isn’t that how this works? We kill their king before they kill ours?

I don’t care about my king. My king can lick the tip of my dick if he’d like, or my asshole. I have no king, nor would I ever like one. So can all of the nobility, they can lick the tip too. I’m young and mad and have no idea or means to do much about it. I just crave simple things, like something to burn and something to wash it down. I’d like to not feel so alone, but who knows if I will. Life eludes me, partly because I let it. I want it too.

Who knows? I could be homeless in a few years and then all of that freedom will be mine, but of course at a cost. I will exist outside the world that everyone else lives in. The world I used to know. I will be free to do nothing and have no commitments. I wouldn’t want to know if that actually will happen or not. I’d rather be surprised. And hey, maybe I’ll actually become a huge success and never worry about money for the rest of my days.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 9.25.11

This isn’t working. I couldn’t tell you much about anything right now. I know you can look online and see videos of cops pepper-spraying and getting fairly rowdy with some protestors. The headline of one of the biggest broadcast networks, and by headline I mean the one with the biggest picture on the website, is about a gay Mormon guy. There’s a major newspaper with the main one about car seats or some shit like that.

I’m tired. I’m hoping to be near some sort of massive implosion that will lead to some sort of vast discovery of self and being. At which point, all that was lost will become known, either again or for the first time and so it shall be. At least that hoping. That one thing I suppose there can and will always be. Someone somewhere will always have some sort of insanely furious drive from some sort of inexplicable fire that throws all the heat it can burn.

Which of course, leads me to my next point, though I’m not sure what that is. I’m assuming there has to be some sort of response to all of it. I am tired and am slowly losing my ability to formulate ideas that have any meaning. I just banter sometimes. Just nonsense with no end falling from my mouth and into the air to pinch and annoy all it bounces to. It just becomes rambling sometimes.

But in all honesty, I do feel that I need to keep writing and keep thinking or I may fall asleep at my job and then well there goes that possibly and who knows if it puts you on ice that may or may not be thin on the other end. If you are unsure of what that means, then you may just not be in or out of tune enough to dig it. It’s alright, I guess. You just won’t understand when the revolution comes. And it is coming.

Listen, just hear me out on the one. We are people. If you look at our history, it is essentially people fighting or making deals with other people for like fucking forever. That’s what we’ve learned how to do. But that’s only part of the whole thing. It has been a constant thing, maybe dipping a bit lower over here and a bit higher a few pages later, but consistently happening throughout the centuries and millennia and whatnot. There is something else that happens though.

In between, and sometimes during all the fighting, there are a few people who beat a drum and stand before the drooling beast of inevitably that marches again the will of decency. Disregarding the fact that the sentence before this one took about five minutes to type and that this one only took a few seconds… actually never mind. I spaced out and took another two minutes to finish that last one.

But let’s try and dodge the fluffy shit and just talk, or write rather. We are all amidst things that are much larger than our individual lives. We always are and pretty much always have been, but there are times when it speeds up to make a change. It’s all speeding up, so where’s the change? Want to know what I think is an issue. Not bashing on the president or anything, but you hear change and people always think of him. I did not say they always think goodly or poorly of him, but they think of him just nonetheless. Where the fuck does he get off taking claim for a word like that? A word like that, that’s so big and so powerful that it takes the caliber of man or woman who may or may not have been woven from some sort of golden fabric just to have the potential to wield it. A person who can endure some massive weight from the world. These people have a higher likely hood of having rather short runs at it, with some tripping right into their nice little tombs. Sorry Barry, you’re not just that kind of person but I would worry about it. If you really look at, we had like two or three presidents who actually had that kind of gall and even they had their flaws… you know what I’m talking about Jefferson. And who even knows if they were any type of actually decent person, it all could be lies.

No these people don’t hold office often, they don’t have time to waste in such a fruitless position. Besides, it makes it a lot harder to get the troops rallied. So where is this generation? Where is our age?

I often wonder if I am supposed to do something of that sort, you know? I wonder if I am supposed to be some sort of leader or inspiration or revolutionary or some mad man who turns the world on its head so it can see what it looks like upside down. Do you know, or does it just happen, or do you choose it? How do I know that I even have a choice? Even if I don’t want to, you know? Even if I wanted the life where you just get married or something like that, and a family and a house and a job and a routine and a god and a plan and a quite desolate and silently desperate death? What if I have to do these things because its fate and I will always be distant and always truly and quietly alone?

I have to live on the thrill. I have to move from each moment so gracefully that it seems as though it’s all planned out, because it is.  I have to play the part I was given, and play it at least well enough to be able to trick someone else into thinking its real, because then they might think their fantasy is real. And it spreads until everyone has fallen so heavy into the made up worlds that real is no longer valid. It will change. We will have grown or become useless, obsolete if you will. Either way, change, and I mean real change, is contagious. People have been acting a bit contagious lately, but in different ways for different people. Funny enough, it has a lot to do with money, as most of our problems do. Still there’s and itch or two, but it needs to be cultivated.

But we won’t really know until it’s happened, we just have to make sure that it’s not missed, or at least a few people should see it.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 9.11.11

I woke up. And then I went back to sleep. I did this about three or four times this morning, until noon. Then I got up. That was seven minutes ago. It’s Wednesday. This is supposed to be on Sunday. Whoops.

I had some very interesting dreams. They involved my past quite a bit. There was love and tears and fear and loathing and longing and a whole array of things. I don’t know if that’s why I kept going back to sleep, or if it had more to do with the pure laziness and lack of motivation that I have become. I am nothing. So are you. So is everything. Isn’t it so grand?

But from this week and three days, what has grabbed me and said “Hey, this is happening so your life is changing and whether you like it or not, you have to deal with it”? Well, it was quite a few things. In fact this month so far has been crazy. This year has been too, but I’m not going into details. There’s no need to. I know what happened and I don’t feel that anyone else needs to know.

I have stuff to do. So do you, I’m sure. Yet here I sit so hung up on nothing that taking a step forward would be impossible. I haven’t been quitting smoking. I have hardly been doing my job. I’m already doing a shit job at school work. Why am I even fucking here at all? Maybe I’m not right for this place either. Maybe the whole fucking planet’s fucked.

But that doesn’t get me off it. And that doesn’t stop today from coming and eventually ending, which as every great cynic knows, will eventually lead into a little things called tomorrow. Why am I so jaded? Because I’ve been spending a year writing this stuff and even if I think I found something nice that fell from my mind, its warmth faded.

I’d like to hope to find something in all of this, but it’s early afternoon and it’s three days late and I watched far too many beyond bizarre movies in my cult film class to have anything even close to a grip on reality. If you think you do, then you’re wrong. There is no reality. At least not anything that we can understand. And if you don’t understand what I’m saying, the point is only proved further.

What do you know as reality? How do you know it’s real? Why? Because you can touch it? Because you can see it, or hear it or smell it? Nonsense. It could all be lies and you would be none the wiser. You and I may be nothing at all besides imagination from some consciousness. We may not be these physical bodies we live in, and if we are it’s not for long. Our flesh will fade and then what? Fairy tales have told us if we’re good, we go to a nice place when we die. But do what I do and sit there and think about that. Think about the idea of a heaven. If you have any kind of mind, you will doubt such a thing. You won’t believe that it’s real forever.

And if you do, I’m envious. You have mastered the art of sculpting your reality while I sit here and am tossed around by mine. I would ask you to teach me, but too many people have tried to and it just won’t work. I’m too jaded. It’s my thing.