Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.22.12

I wish to prophesize and only to combat the fallacies that can come from such lofty tales told by tongues that wag out of fear of losing the ability. There is supposed to be thought before the idea is to be shared. It has to be argued and refuted and repealed and revealed all before it can ever get the chance to see the sun and grab its first breath. If not, it will just fill space and waste time and the sort and that won’t be stood for although it is and it always has and who am I, as my guilt is just as much as any man’s. But all I can ask is to hope for more justice in what I do and say, as my morals are tainted with Freudian undertones that all things and everything can be encompassed under.

Destined to deny nothing right away but rather build it up and up and up until I have amassed all the skill that I could ever wield at which point, I swallow the fear and conquer. You have to be able to crave the right amount of insanity, you see. Too much and you can be forever lost in whatever delusion you may or may not have made for yourself. Too little and you’ll never be mad enough to step far enough out of line to change much of anything. Now there is the risk that it’s not supposed to be you or something like that but I urge you to remember that you wouldn’t actually believe it ever were if it weren’t ever, dig?

I ache to be better but always fear that it just won’t be enough to save my soul from my self which has spent so much time on this all out fully fledged war upon the very idea that it steals its name from. But if I were to just abandon it all and go out to the hills to live without any other or anything that I could not find immediately around me, well what then? Would I forget my name if there was no one to call me by it? Would I find that peace and fall from my body into some sort of serene bliss not tainted with anything at all? With my body pure of anything unnatural and my head free of any nonsense, would I finally be free?

See the thing is, I don’t know if that could ever even be done, at least by yours truly. Why? Ego, for one and that would be a very big one. I’m vain and self-conscious and insecure and cannot go very  long without craving some sort of human attachment which of course will be pushed very far away as soon as it happens because I’ll be damned if I let anyone in, at least for now. There is another part and that’s the part that wants to care about something because what is a man that doesn’t care? A man with no passion is no man at all.

But going back to the whole “Into the Wild” scheme, I don’t believe I could actually do it mostly because I hold onto this idea of obligation to the rest of my fellow fleshy meat sacks who I deem unable to see the light that I myself cannot see. The difference of course, is that I am looking for that light while the rest of my species is looking for the next episode of Idol to get them through their next meaningless week of work. I want to find meaning for myself. I want to find meaning for us. So I will go far away from the woods for now, and dive into the dark dirty city and root out some evil, if I can.

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Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.15.12

I had things written that sat there for a few days. Then they were highlighted and erased. Why? Well Johnny, because it was stupid. It was backwards and it was more of the same thing that has continued to get me nowhere which is a place that I am quite frankly beyond sick of being. So what is being done about this? Quite simply, I’m moving on. I’m cutting the ties, I’m jumping the tracks. For never to return.

I was talking today with someone who means a lot to me, a lot more than I think I ever realized. I was telling her about this person I used to be. I was happy. I had belief in romance and the goodness of the world. I was a kid with all the hopes and dreams that one could ever wish to have. Would you like to know what happened? Was it a series of misfortunes and downfalls that developed my cynicism? Was it heartbreak after heartbreak and disappointment after disappointment that finally led to me creating this closed of bitter shell around what used to be such a bright individual? Was it obsession and depression spiraling out of control with booze and nicotine pushing it even further to a point where I could no longer recognize the man looking back at me in the mirror?

I’m not giving an answer. It’s counterproductive, that’s why. I have a lot of work to do and I can’t be wasting time looking backwards anymore. Yeah, it’s sad that things didn’t work out how my youthful self though they would but that time is gone. I didn’t have a high school sweet heart. I didn’t have teenage love. I lost my virginity to a skank and after that was revealed for what it was, I chased an idea that was never meant to be had. It sucked but it still was and always will be. There’s not another chance to have those years back.

So from here I will build what I can from what I have, which is more than I thought it was. I won’t say more for now because if I’ve learned one thing it’s that words can completely lose their value. I learned that two springs ago but refused to listen to reason.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.8.12

I do apologize. I feel as though we ended on a bad note and I’d really like to not do that. If there’s anything that I can do that would change your mind, I imagine it doesn’t exist. That’s fine of course. Things that don’t exist are my specialty.

I don’t know what my point is. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know why I’m writing this. I don’t know why I don’t just abandon this whole idealistic dream. That dream that there is something that I can do to make this world a better place. No one wants to be happy and free clearly because no one stands up for anything they believe in. Everyone and everything is all just talk as am I and as this right here is. All it is and all it has ever been are words that I use to make myself feel better and feel like I’m doing something. But what have I done?

I’ve been watching the presidential debates but I don’t know why because they are pathetic and only show that this country has become a complete failure of the ideals that blood was spilt for. It worked for awhile but the last hundred or so years have just been a spiral into debt and war as we are willingly robbed of all of our freedoms. I want to get mad but is there even a point? What will me, some punkass 20 year old boy ever be able to do to change the world? I believe that just because my high school voted me to be such a person in the yearbook, but what the fuck does anyone from my high school know? What do any of us know? Why do we wake up every morning when we could just stay in bed and live in the world of unconscious fantasy? Why bother, right?

Wrong. That is in fact so terribly wrong that it makes me sick to even think of giving up. Giving up is easy and any fucking fool can do that. It takes a lot to stand up to anything especially the establishment. But what is the establishment? Well let’s dive into that, shall we? I suppose the idea of the establishment is the set standard of how things are done. It’s the government and the social construct and the law and the ideology that stands today. So what do all of these things mean? The answer to that is simple. It means whatever you want it to mean and nothing more. You can defy every single one of those things. People break the law all the time and I don’t mean by murdering someone. Smoking a joint is breaking the law and yet people do it every day and its more people than you’d imagine too. Yet despite the majority not really giving a shit about people smoking a little pot, it’s illegal and punished unjustly. Still this is not about trying to legalize pot.

There’s a mold that were all supposed to fit into. We are all supposed to work and pay taxes and love the U.S. of A no matter what stupid shit the country does.

“You did not just say that America is stupid. That is unpatriotic, you terrorist.”

America is stupid. We have evolved beyond the point of just being ignorant and are now entering into the realm of pure stupidity. Don’t believe me? Well let me make a few points. Iraq. We had a war there for 8 years that was started for no reason. The public was lied to and the “President” went and invaded and over threw a government and hung around to make a few trillion dollars off of something like 150,000 deaths. I put President into quotes because the president has been an idiot for my entire life. When I was born it was George Sr. then it was Clinton, then good ol’ W and now it’s Barry Obama. All of them have never made any decision because they thought it was good. They made them because someone paid them to do it. I’m not going into factual detail because you can look that up now. Well at least temporarily you can because soon the internet will be censored and you won’t be able to find anything that makes anyone in power look bad but behind almost every elected official are the people who paid to get them elected which is not the American public. The American public sits around and watched mindless television programming and believes what they are told.

I’m guilty just as much as the next person or at least I was. I used to believe in every establishment that I was told to believe since birth. That was until I reached my teenage years and met a few people who opened up my perspective. It was scary at first. It was scary to stop believing in the God of my family. It was scary to stop believing that the country I lived in wanted me to be happy. It’s terrifying to leave those comforts but it was absolutely necessary to free my mind. There was a sloppy college kid with a 7 year tenure at various institutions who showed me a few things and then an oddly dressed kid with a fiery red beard who showed me the power of my mind without even intending to. Or maybe he did. I do still wonder what he’s up to now or if he was even real.

Here I go, digressing all over this bitch. Let’s bring it back home again. All I can do as of now is use these words to try and reach anyone who will read this to open you minds and hearts and see the shit show that is the human race. We are panicky and far too trusting and oblivious to everything that actually goes on. We have all been tricked into this overall consciousness that tells us that we can do anything to change the world. You’ve been lied to. You can do whatever you want, yes you. Sure you can get arrested and tossed away and now with the newest set of bullshit liberty stripping laws, you can be tossed into a prison cell for no reason for the rest of your mortal life. But there’s a catch to all of these things that the establishment doesn’t understand. You cannot put everyone in prison, you cannot have a war with everyone and you can reach a breaking point. Some may call it treason which would be an honor. How you ask? Well George Washington was a traitor, so was Jefferson and Adams and Gandhi and Guy Fawkes and Lenny Bruce and Bradley Manning. If a corrupt government deems you a traitor, that means you’re right and they don’t like that.

I’m not telling you to do a single thing besides open your eyes. If you look at your world and see nothing different, you’re not changing your view. Don’t ever be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to upset the establishment because it’s there to be upset. A happy establishment usually means an unhappy people. Nothing will become instantly better but don’t give up the fight. Giving up is easy.

Whoa, that escalated fast. It is a nice change of pace because I was just going to write about how this girl won’t talk to me and whine about all those problems. Call me crazy or obsessed, but I won’t give up on anything until there’s nothing left. 

In The Waves – I

The lights go down and then back up on the stage. Four clicks and the animal is unleashed for everyone to see. He drives ahead and leaves time and anxiety and doubt and love and hate all in the dust that is tossed back into the air by the pound of the bass drum. His hair shakes with his head a sweat drips down on to the head of the snare.

Standing all around are three men, strapped with strings. From the beat comes the tune picked to vibrate every atom in the room. Harmonious waves cycle through the floorboards, through the people, through the glasses on the bar in the next room only to be beaten out of steam by the brick confining the scene. Soul by definition is indefinable.

Soul to sole and so bounce the people in the room, some more in tune than others. I’m there. So is she. He’s there too. I’m drunk but I can’t tell you much about the others. The band doesn’t so much distract as it does encourage me to daydream and wonder and trick myself. She does seem to be enjoying herself but he’s mad that I’m here. As if he could be blamed.

We drank earlier in the Japanese restaurant down the street. None of us we of age but they have these nice little booths with doors that close. Order a coke and just bring the rum with you. This was a jug of the good old brown stuff. The wonders that a woman’s purse can hold.

I couldn’t tell you the name of most of the songs, but I could tell you the name of everyone in the band. I did car bombs with the drummer after the show. Again not of age but few kind words and a positive attitude can get you quite far with a bartender. If you don’t know what a car bomb is, try one. I had three and they talks like milk. They don’t actually but metaphorically I suppose they do. After that much rum the milk taste also becomes understandable.

I don’t remember what I did the rest of the night but the bottle can do that to you. That is not the point. I don’t know what the point is but I figured that would be a vague enough place to start. I won’t tell you my name, I’ll just wait for someone else to say it. I won’t tell you where this is because it could be anywhere. I won’t tell you why I’m doing this because there need not be a reason.

“Have another one Stephen?” said the bartender to the drummer.

“Have another one Max?” said the drummer to the narrator.

“Let’s have another one,” is what Max said to Noel.

Noel is the bartender who knows the two people he’s serving are not 21. I’m Max and I break the law. This is my friend Stephen. He breaks drum sticks. We are left with no choice but to abandon the social construct for our own. We are the oppressed. We are the offspring of the former middle class. We are the generation who was born in a fog. We are angry and bored. We will take over the world if it’s not destroyed first.

Noel pops open two bottles of Guinness and slides them to us. He put two shot glasses on the table and pours Jameson and Baileys in as we fill our glasses just enough. Quick now, grab the shot, touch the table click them together and drop. Now drink before it curdles. And there you have it, milk moustache and all.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.1.12

And so passes another year, the year of the Reds. Time flows and crashes and chews me up and spit me out. I am but a cigarette butt on the sidewalk. I try to find anything at all in the sky above but all that is seen are a few hazy stars and the blinking light of a satellite. I should just sleep. I should just be content enough for now. I’m not though nor will I ever be I imagine. It’s karma though. Cigarettes do give you cancer… allegedly.

I think I let my world get too small again. It needs more because I’m bored and better that than the other things I do when I’m bored. Get your mind out of the gutter please. It doesn’t belong there and there wouldn’t enough room as myself and my fellow Marlboro carcasses already laid claim to that site. But then again, why do anything when being placid is an option. I could just lie on my back watch this whole world pass by above me. Just slip into the scenery so long that not only can I no longer be found, no one even knows where to look anymore.

I could do that but I never really would be able. I get too angry as I am a hot headed Irish individual. Somewhere inside me beats the heart of a romantic who is fuelled by poetic passion. What is the difference between anger and passion anyway, if there even is one which there very well might not be? It could and is just a matter of justification in the eyes of the one that is the self. Passion is just being convinced you can do something about how angry you are. I wonder if there is anything out there or in here or in one of the various locations in between them.

There must or so I will convince myself. I’m a human being goddamn it! My life has value! And that value is whatever I want it to be. You can set your own value for me and it could change. It does and it has and it will for as long as I have breath in my lungs I will be different from the day before. Even after life leaves this body, it will change. It will crumble and decompose and become valuable to a whole new group of things. Worms all over the world are hungry, what are you doing to help? For the price of only your conscious organic life, you could feed worms who are in need. Worms need to eat too.

Oh man, would you look at that? That certainly got out of hand rather fast. But like I was saying before, new year and all that jazz. Well here’s an idea that I just sprang up with, a weekly series of short stories. The idea is a comic book with no pictures. I’ll have to set a deadline each week and I should try to be strict with it. I can get lazy as is proven here. The title is lying to you. It’s not Sunday any longer. It I snow in fact Monday and what a glorious Monday it is. I’ll need to pick a day that would work, so during the week probably around Wednesday. We’ll see how it goes and if it really becomes anything worthwhile. Commit doesn’t really hurt either. I have very little of that at the current moment. It is incredible what I can do without giving much of a shit. It must be even more incredible when a shit is given.

Don’t fret, the hero never wins. This isn’t TV damn it, this is good ol’ print. The only people who ever win here are villains. Them and antiheroes and I think I’ll be working at the latter. It’s tough but hell I’m bored and got nothing better to do. I’ll bear the weight of the world for a while. I’ll feel better about myself if I get no recognition.

Just kidding. Antiheroes can have negative characteristics. I’ll try to shake some of them, but vanity is innate.