Pardon me for my grouchiness. Life has been hard at me for years now and my smoking habit has been making it as tough as possible to catch my breath. It’s not that I can’t, it’s just that these things take a while. History and hindsight recall nothing more than the big moments, but all those little ones in between happen just as much and rightfully deserve as much credit as the rest. Though I must ask, when was the last time that the right person received all of the right kind of credit?
But I’m not a man of the hypothetical, so the questions will be far and few between. I am, or once was and will be again, a man of action. And even Da Vinci himself was a procrastinator. The problem with those trying to explore this reality is that we can sometimes stare off into the nothingness with no regard for the time. Not to compare myself, but I seem to have done so anyway. Intelligence and ability varies in shape and form, after all. Focus is difficult when one wants to do so many things.
I don’t, but I could easily envy those with one track minds that go with their one track lives. I’m sure ignorance is bliss but I’ve never had the luxury of being so blissful. There is guilt in my awareness, as there is in all of us who pay attention here and there.
To absolve myself of such guilt can only be through means of making right what is wrong. So what, I believe this world is cruel and evil and doomed? The willingness to do nothing makes you just as evil. I’m not willing to do nothing, it just happens sometimes. And further, I cannot fix all these things by myself, nor is it my place to. I don’t know how to solve the energy crisis. I don’t know how to fix the global economic standard and heal those who suffer from it. I don’t know how to make this world better but I know of people and ideas who can. And perhaps that is my role, not to fix the issues but rather to help those have the means in fixing themselves.
But how dreadfully preachy all that sounds, right? And I must say, I am no big fan of those who seem to preach and preach alone. You don’t just sign up to gain knowledge, experience and some sort of prominent standing in life and even if you could, it would just be some scam. Like all of those African princes with email accounts and the level of comfort with strangers to ask for checks made out to cash. I feel bad for the African prince who is genuinely stuck in such a jam. Too many people crying wolf will make sure that well is never built in his small village.
Yet, like every good citizen, I will ignore the plight of others and dwell instead upon how I will pave my way towards success. In which, the main struggle I would seem to be at odds with, is that between my realties and my fantasies. Or the struggle in understanding why the two aren’t the same. Or at least not yet. Now mind you, I am no longer fool enough to believe that specifics will come to be as they were dreamt up. I am just old enough and just young enough to see clearly in both directions and upon each plain, I see the unpredictable nature to all that I am. Which makes sense to you, right?
Still, there are stars I can see from where I live but only because there is no moonlight to add to the light polluted air. Though, the sky really has much more light. This all evidence to my lie though, that this occurred on this Sunday morning as the stars were not out while I was awake then. They are out now, as it is almost Monday which means back to work and back to a life that would be deemed acceptable by the societal standards. For the layman, that means my life of work. For the right kind of philosopher it means my life and as the new kind of involuntary laborer. There are no whips outside of metaphors, though they are there just the same.
It is a temporary condition as everything in my life is. I don’t want immortality, not in the slightest. I only wish to earn a life worth being tired from and the peace that comes with doing all that I could have done. There is a lot of time for me to do the things that I need to do and I have no doubt I will play my role to the best of my ability. If the past has any merit, I will surely make an impact in my future.
Not matter what, the rocks will watch me come and go. They won’t remember me, or at least probably won’t. Whether they have the capacity or not, it takes a lot of force to convince them of your existence.