Sunday Morning Thoughts 9.25.11

This isn’t working. I couldn’t tell you much about anything right now. I know you can look online and see videos of cops pepper-spraying and getting fairly rowdy with some protestors. The headline of one of the biggest broadcast networks, and by headline I mean the one with the biggest picture on the website, is about a gay Mormon guy. There’s a major newspaper with the main one about car seats or some shit like that.

I’m tired. I’m hoping to be near some sort of massive implosion that will lead to some sort of vast discovery of self and being. At which point, all that was lost will become known, either again or for the first time and so it shall be. At least that hoping. That one thing I suppose there can and will always be. Someone somewhere will always have some sort of insanely furious drive from some sort of inexplicable fire that throws all the heat it can burn.

Which of course, leads me to my next point, though I’m not sure what that is. I’m assuming there has to be some sort of response to all of it. I am tired and am slowly losing my ability to formulate ideas that have any meaning. I just banter sometimes. Just nonsense with no end falling from my mouth and into the air to pinch and annoy all it bounces to. It just becomes rambling sometimes.

But in all honesty, I do feel that I need to keep writing and keep thinking or I may fall asleep at my job and then well there goes that possibly and who knows if it puts you on ice that may or may not be thin on the other end. If you are unsure of what that means, then you may just not be in or out of tune enough to dig it. It’s alright, I guess. You just won’t understand when the revolution comes. And it is coming.

Listen, just hear me out on the one. We are people. If you look at our history, it is essentially people fighting or making deals with other people for like fucking forever. That’s what we’ve learned how to do. But that’s only part of the whole thing. It has been a constant thing, maybe dipping a bit lower over here and a bit higher a few pages later, but consistently happening throughout the centuries and millennia and whatnot. There is something else that happens though.

In between, and sometimes during all the fighting, there are a few people who beat a drum and stand before the drooling beast of inevitably that marches again the will of decency. Disregarding the fact that the sentence before this one took about five minutes to type and that this one only took a few seconds… actually never mind. I spaced out and took another two minutes to finish that last one.

But let’s try and dodge the fluffy shit and just talk, or write rather. We are all amidst things that are much larger than our individual lives. We always are and pretty much always have been, but there are times when it speeds up to make a change. It’s all speeding up, so where’s the change? Want to know what I think is an issue. Not bashing on the president or anything, but you hear change and people always think of him. I did not say they always think goodly or poorly of him, but they think of him just nonetheless. Where the fuck does he get off taking claim for a word like that? A word like that, that’s so big and so powerful that it takes the caliber of man or woman who may or may not have been woven from some sort of golden fabric just to have the potential to wield it. A person who can endure some massive weight from the world. These people have a higher likely hood of having rather short runs at it, with some tripping right into their nice little tombs. Sorry Barry, you’re not just that kind of person but I would worry about it. If you really look at, we had like two or three presidents who actually had that kind of gall and even they had their flaws… you know what I’m talking about Jefferson. And who even knows if they were any type of actually decent person, it all could be lies.

No these people don’t hold office often, they don’t have time to waste in such a fruitless position. Besides, it makes it a lot harder to get the troops rallied. So where is this generation? Where is our age?

I often wonder if I am supposed to do something of that sort, you know? I wonder if I am supposed to be some sort of leader or inspiration or revolutionary or some mad man who turns the world on its head so it can see what it looks like upside down. Do you know, or does it just happen, or do you choose it? How do I know that I even have a choice? Even if I don’t want to, you know? Even if I wanted the life where you just get married or something like that, and a family and a house and a job and a routine and a god and a plan and a quite desolate and silently desperate death? What if I have to do these things because its fate and I will always be distant and always truly and quietly alone?

I have to live on the thrill. I have to move from each moment so gracefully that it seems as though it’s all planned out, because it is.  I have to play the part I was given, and play it at least well enough to be able to trick someone else into thinking its real, because then they might think their fantasy is real. And it spreads until everyone has fallen so heavy into the made up worlds that real is no longer valid. It will change. We will have grown or become useless, obsolete if you will. Either way, change, and I mean real change, is contagious. People have been acting a bit contagious lately, but in different ways for different people. Funny enough, it has a lot to do with money, as most of our problems do. Still there’s and itch or two, but it needs to be cultivated.

But we won’t really know until it’s happened, we just have to make sure that it’s not missed, or at least a few people should see it.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 9.18.11: One Year of Bitching Anniversary!

Doesn’t the room feel like its breathing? Just listen to it pulse in and out and in and out, sucking in all the energy around it. Don’t you see them all dancing around? Their smiles hide that pain that resides in their hearts. They found the secret. They found happiness.

I speak of course, about the Grateful Dead poster with the bears. No drugs, no booze, no smokes. It’s just me this morning. It’s me and the sweet sound of breeze and birds barely bounding past the sound of some big fan that is blowing air to cool down something that’s running in one of these buildings around me. A bit of sunshine creeps in through the windows and lights up the pile of newspapers from Friday. I wish I were outside. I wish I were, I wish I were. This time of year is beautiful because it makes me ache. The weather is cooling and such. It’s all romantic and more than I can handle and that’s just how I like it.

Hey wait! Do you know what today is? It’s been a year! Happy anniversary! To what you ask? Well Sunday Morning Thoughts has just turned one year old today! For a whole year I have been typing up the things that bug me into a few words and put them on the internet for like six people to read. But hey, I’ve committed to something. I’ve been pumping this bullshit out for unknown reasons from 19 until now at 20 years old, and hell I’m sure it will go even further than that. I don’t know if anyone actually reads this, and I don’t really care anymore. It’s more for me than it is for anyone else. I need this. It’s my balance. It’s what keeps my mind stable because few things do nowadays.

So how the hell is you Brian? What’s the world of B-ri like?

Well, it’s chaos. It’s ever changing and turning and becoming something so vastly different than it was the day before but at the same time, I’m just the same young man going through what are essentially the same motions. Something bad happens, I react this way. Something good, I do this. Work and school and plays and the sort. I am a man of my activities and I suppose nothing more.

I felt a bit of an anxiety yesterday. It was as I was falling asleep. Impending doom type of feeling. Nothing really out of the ordinary, you know? Its strange how just a few days ago, I was gone. I was able to leave what was in this world. You do understand that our reality is all just some collective conscious creation. It’s not anything that we can’t change completely. And I mean everything. All of this meaning that is tossed upon our existence, and yet we are all nothing more than these soft little animals that like to fight and fuck for fun. We build our homes and our towns and our cities and our nations and so many other things and we say “Well whatever I have has to be the most important thing there is and everything else’s stuff is just shit and not worth as much as what I have”.

“You know that can’t be true”.

“Well why not?”

“Because all of those things are so fleeting and impermanent. They will eventually turn to dust, as you will, as will the one you love, as will everything you’ve ever known. But it won’t really matter, because you won’t even notice”.

“Doesn’t that scare you though?”

Of course it scares me! It scares the ever-loving shit out of me. My ego cannot handle the fact that it’s not the most important thing that there is. How can I find comfort in the fact that everything that has meaning to me is all just a scam and the meaning is just made up? I don’t have a god that can lie to me. I gave up on that awhile ago. I am a bit jealous if you have one. It would be nice to believe in something.

In all honesty, I’m just hoping that it’s still sunny when I actually make it outside today. I’m just hoping that I start feeling better more often. I’m just hoping that things get easy enough where I stop complaining, but stay challenging enough so I don’t get bored. I would like to be with a nice girl who actually wants to be with me too. And if I find that girl, I’d like for the circumstances to be nicer than they usually are. But with that type of thing is always with a catch, at least as far as I’ve learned.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to come up with answers. I’ve spent a lot of time upset and angry at fate. I’ve wasted a lot of my life away on nothing. I’ve wasted time sleeping in longer than I should have. I wasted a lot of time getting wasted. I’d like to say that I won’t waste anymore time, but come on. Of course I will dawdle through my life at times, and there will be times for sprinting. I just need to start jogging, or I’m going to have a heart attack.

Because a man is not a man, unless he has a heart beating in his chest. And that heart is filled with passions and drive and thirst for something greater. That is the true test of a man. At least, it would be cool to think that. Oh well, I’ll see you next year anyway.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 9.11.11

I woke up. And then I went back to sleep. I did this about three or four times this morning, until noon. Then I got up. That was seven minutes ago. It’s Wednesday. This is supposed to be on Sunday. Whoops.

I had some very interesting dreams. They involved my past quite a bit. There was love and tears and fear and loathing and longing and a whole array of things. I don’t know if that’s why I kept going back to sleep, or if it had more to do with the pure laziness and lack of motivation that I have become. I am nothing. So are you. So is everything. Isn’t it so grand?

But from this week and three days, what has grabbed me and said “Hey, this is happening so your life is changing and whether you like it or not, you have to deal with it”? Well, it was quite a few things. In fact this month so far has been crazy. This year has been too, but I’m not going into details. There’s no need to. I know what happened and I don’t feel that anyone else needs to know.

I have stuff to do. So do you, I’m sure. Yet here I sit so hung up on nothing that taking a step forward would be impossible. I haven’t been quitting smoking. I have hardly been doing my job. I’m already doing a shit job at school work. Why am I even fucking here at all? Maybe I’m not right for this place either. Maybe the whole fucking planet’s fucked.

But that doesn’t get me off it. And that doesn’t stop today from coming and eventually ending, which as every great cynic knows, will eventually lead into a little things called tomorrow. Why am I so jaded? Because I’ve been spending a year writing this stuff and even if I think I found something nice that fell from my mind, its warmth faded.

I’d like to hope to find something in all of this, but it’s early afternoon and it’s three days late and I watched far too many beyond bizarre movies in my cult film class to have anything even close to a grip on reality. If you think you do, then you’re wrong. There is no reality. At least not anything that we can understand. And if you don’t understand what I’m saying, the point is only proved further.

What do you know as reality? How do you know it’s real? Why? Because you can touch it? Because you can see it, or hear it or smell it? Nonsense. It could all be lies and you would be none the wiser. You and I may be nothing at all besides imagination from some consciousness. We may not be these physical bodies we live in, and if we are it’s not for long. Our flesh will fade and then what? Fairy tales have told us if we’re good, we go to a nice place when we die. But do what I do and sit there and think about that. Think about the idea of a heaven. If you have any kind of mind, you will doubt such a thing. You won’t believe that it’s real forever.

And if you do, I’m envious. You have mastered the art of sculpting your reality while I sit here and am tossed around by mine. I would ask you to teach me, but too many people have tried to and it just won’t work. I’m too jaded. It’s my thing.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 9.4.11

Where the fuck do I get off being sad? I must have some nerve to be able to go around saying that everything sucks and that life sucks and that you suck and I suck and everyone sucks. What the fuck do I know about pain? It’s pretty conceited if you ask me. Just think, right now as I sit here at my stupid little desk job at my private college thinking of what to say, there, just like that, some kid just starved to death in Somalia.

There’s another one. Someone just got killed by a gun somewhere else in the world. And there’s a person who just killed them self. I’m sure a beautiful young innocent girl is getting raped in some alleyway or by a friend and some kid is getting beaten to shit by their drunk parent. Someone just died of a heroin overdose because they just couldn’t deal anymore and someone else lost a fight with AIDS. There was a fire that some kid started as a joke that burnt a few people alive. They’re no longer alive. Someone just got abused by the cops and beat to death, while some piece of shit crook just killed a cop with a family when trying to rob a gas station. Cancer and heart disease and none of it really matters because this whole place has to be going down soon.

There cannot be anyway that it’s not. The planet is getting rid of us and we are getting rid of ourselves. People are lying and cheating and stealing and killing and hurting all over this rock just so that their chance of making it to tomorrow is just a little bit better than someone else’s. And all of this precious gift is being tossed away, as though it were nothing and had no meaning. I don’t know any of those people either. So why do I bother to care? Why bother to mention it?

It’s the guilt that comes with being a human, I guess. The only thing is that guilt doesn’t apply to anyone anymore. See the real problem here is that the world is so damn self-concentrated. Not saying that can’t be cool sometimes, but it’s got to the point of total ignorance. Ignorance in the pursuit of the bliss that was promised, but for some that just won’t do, isn’t that right Brian? No matter what, the thought will hang around the foot of your bed.

What if I can’t stop him? What if I can’t save him? He says that there’s no point any longer and I seem short of words to convince him otherwise. The world sucks so how am I supposed to make it look like it’s not all of that bad a place to live?

It is worth it, despite how it sucks. I have no idea how to prove that other than trusting you can find the hope within yourself. That’s all there is to do, but it’s also all you have to do. The world is not going to stop from being a shitty place, but there are parts of it that are alright. We are small enough creatures to still be able to live in the smaller parts, metaphorically speaking.

But to be honest, I don’t even know where my mind is at all. This week in my little bubble has been far too turbulent to make any sense of anything, as if I were able to make sense of anything before. In case you don’t know, I never have, nor will I ever truly make sense to anyone, most of the time including myself. I’ll say vague things that mean nothing unless you shed the ol’ bullshit light on it the right way and make all of the cracks seem like part of the artwork.

I have had a life that was without bullshit. I had a life where I wasn’t so cynical. I had a life where I was happy too. There were times when I believed everything was alright and that life was good and even if it messed up a little, I was going to be ok with any motion the universe makes.

I still want to change the world, because I believe that I have to at least try. I still want to inspire and fill the hearts of my fellow man with that benevolent passion that creates all that is good. I want to love another person so deeply that the comfort I find in them is always enough. I want to make everything ok. I want to make life better, not just for me, but for everyone. If there is something that I can do to stop the hate and greed and indifference and anger and sadness, I want to do that. Now trust me, I am terrified of all of this. To stand there and look your fate in the face and say “Hey, fuck you” is quite a feat. But I shall fulfill this nonetheless. I don’t think that people are evil, but I do think that we’re in trouble.

Still it’s nothing that hasn’t been dealt with before and I’m sure it’s not anything we won’t deal with again. Just stay strong kids and fight the urge to do evil.