Sunday Morning Thoughts 2.19.12: Special Edition – The Beginning of the End of the Beginning

Why would this one be special at all you ask? Well to start, it’s properly advertised. It actually is Sunday Morning. Not Monday afternoon. Not Wednesday night. Not Friday just after lunch. I think that makes this one special, or at the very least I’m hoping that it will make it special. There was a reason that I picked a Sunday morning to start all of this. It had a lot to do with me having a mental breakdown on a Saturday but there are other and now more true reasons to have something like this on a Sunday morning.

To start, there is serenity to the way the sun rises on a Sunday. There is a peace that other day just don’t know. Week days are tiresome and full of work for most. Saturday and the parts of Friday that are deemed the weekend end up being just as tiring but in a completely different but necessary direction.

Sunday is also a day that is pleasantly lost. It is supposed to be the beginning of the week but is referred to as the end so often and it doesn’t do a thing to correct anyone. Especially for a man without a god and no temple to regulate myself, the feeling of Sunday leaves this feeling of perpetual motion that would seem to be relentless in the universe.

But none of that makes this really and truly unique. I don’t want to be a liar so I’ll keep chipping away at some sort of reason.  I could say this is a special edition because there are so many other things that I need to be writing like newspaper columns and film papers and yet here I am writing this. Now is that a testament to the magnitude of the work being done or does it just show how truly lazy I have become? I imagine that is as most things are which is just a mix of all the options.

Wait here’s an idea. I sit at my rather cluttered desk and feel the impending weight of so many things that I am required to do in my life and I need something grand. You see, I was talking to the last king of my realm for the first time in a long time yesterday. We decided that the world is our playground, essentially. Now with such a proclamation one would assume that there would be evidence of such a thing. Well doubting Tommy, you can hang around until some more visible sign start to appear but remember they are angelic and celestial, those who don’t necessarily see it, but still think it’s real. I think that’s called faith but I couldn’t be sure.

There exists within all of us, this idea that we have of ourselves and our world and it is our own. Now there is a larger world that exists between all people which is where the tricky part comes in, but only if you’re looking at it with the wrong light. You see, in order to master one you must also master the other. I don’t know the particular order in which this can or should be done but I’m going to guess that it starts at the self and becoming king or queen respectively of that domain. Then from there you just go with it and take all that is yours.

He and I were talking about life, as we usually do. He proposed the idea that life is this beautiful vision that you let guide you in peaceful flow. I will have to disagree, sort of. At least not entirely disagree. I think that life is beautiful and peaceful but there is peace in motion. There is also no peace without chaos. You would not want to live your whole life in peace to have it end in chaos. You have to live within the chaos to find that peace. Meditation in a burning building. Listening to Ludwig Van as your car slams into another. Thinking about a childhood crush as you charge off into war. If you have peace at the end it will be sweeter than any and everything you’ve ever known. If you have peace the whole time, I imagine that the ending will be unwanted and fought.

A life of chaos doesn’t mean bliss in your final moments directly, you have to do certain things first. You have to come to terms with any demons or anything of that sort. You have to understand yourself without being too bold or too modest. You may have to been in a true and heart wrenching love at least once, but I can’t really say.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 2.12.12

I will do this rapidly and hopefully effectively as my mind is growing tired but alas I am forced to stay awake for 19 more minutes as that is the time when my laundry will be done. So here it is again, just you and I and the electrically impulses that create thought and that’s all I’ve ever known. I’m not trying to say that I know anything about it though. That would be absurd and one of the worst lies I have ever told. Actually, that last one is the worst lie I’ve ever told. Or perhaps was it the line just before this one that was the lie. I beg your pardon, but it has been so long that the lies all become the truth and the truth is not even anything to be remotely considered.

But let me claim now that today was a day of justice and vengeance as was last night and if you can’t see that, then you haven’t been near me and if you have been near me, your perception must be beyond something that would even be close enough to immaculate as it is not close to mine. You see, I’ve begun to convince myself of this legend of myself in order to get from some point that I couldn’t afford to be at anymore to a point where abandonment finally comes in. I won’t pretend like I know when that is, especially since you don’t even want my attention.

Yet I get asked for it so many more times that I remember being used to because when we all think back, we fall on this idea that was held at some point that stands in the empty heavens of what is the capability of the human mind and the human soul, to whoever has one of those dinosaur pieces of technology. I don’t know if you noticed but I wish and prayed that I were in charge of something, even if it were an idea.

Now I wrote that a few days ago, I assume. I don’t actually know because my computer died and I was able to recover this document. I’m going to guess that it was the start of that weekly nonsense I type up but it is now Thursday and it has been far too long of a week to know for sure what the intent was with that. I will say it did sound nice as I read it, even thought my mindset of that moment is lost forever to the vacuum of time. This means I will have to start fresh but I didn’t want to toss away all those other words. They may make sense at some point, even if it’s not for me.

Today was long, as Thursdays are. Tomorrow is Friday. I get paid on Friday but what is money anyway? It’s valueless if you measure it by any truly human standards but here I am without any and upset because of it. It just gets me things but paper doesn’t really mean anything.

I’ve been successful lately. I’ve been happy lately. I don’t know how I feel about it. Maybe that sounds like madness and maybe it is but I still here at my desk and I want more but of what I cannot say. I still have many things to do but I’d like to keep dodging them. I can’t of course, on the count of my curse. I am expected to do so much for these people in my life and yet all I want to do is run off for a week to the middle of nowhere with whiskey and my guitar. Irony would have it that I spent my youth trying to get so involved in everything and now that I’m here, there’s a part of me that wants out.

I won’t go or at least not yet. I need to do a lot more before I can allow myself to abandon everything. The way I look at it, in order for this big dash to the hills to really have impact, I have to become an even more substantial figure in this world. It’s mostly ego and by mostly, I mean entirely. However there would be some positive consequence. If anyone wonders where I go, they might think a little more about their own lives. I can’t say if that will actually help them at all but it does hold the possibility.

Either way, there is much more for me to tackle before I run off to die. Like love which is the most terrifying thing to me, though I may never admit it out loud. I don’t know what it is and any idea I have of it is dark and skewed which I imagine is not what you’re supposed think of it.

I do have the love of many good friends and the love of my family although both are far from the ideals that they are supposed to live up to but I suppose that makes it even more true. I suppose my issue is with intimacy. Either way, it’s my cross to bear, as is said by men. I will continue to trudge along dressed like a history professor dragging on the occasionally Marlboro. It’s an image thing really.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 2.5.12

There is no music playing right now. It is Friday and it is late, not in the evening but in the week and this is far over due. There were thoughts that I had before and then there are thoughts that I have now. The main factor is that the sun has gone down and I am still without a drink. That is my choosing at the moment however. Well, mostly because I need to get this done first. There’s an order to things.

Now concerning that order and the last few orders that I’ve received, I haven’t received them nor do I intend to. Because I am the hero, damn it. I am the anti hero. I am and always have been the hope and destiny that has been instilled and spilled into the nuclear family. I am the shine of light, or aren’t I? If I am that, then what are you? And if you claim to be that, what does it make him into? Some sort of monster? Some sort of villain or are you the villain, or I? I would bet a dollar on me, but I’d rather drink with it. Would you have a drink with me?

Being the anti villain or hero or chump seems to have worn me out like a shoe or a nerve or something else that wears after time and is inevitably tossed away. we stand at the edge of something and I don’t know what it is but it hums and it glows and it seems to be of some grand importance or the delusion is talking again. I wonder where to go now and what to do and if another pack should be bought and I know it should because I need to stand for what has been forgotten or I will be forgotten and I can’t stand the thought as long as I live. I won’t live to see if I’m forgotten and that may very be the point in all of this.

But allow me for a moment to get angry and develop  some sort of something that I know won’t do but I’ll be damned if I don’t try, try, try again. I want to hope and believe that there is justice and that I can stand for it but half of the time I spend thinking is about how benevolently evil I am which is impossible to be actually aware of. I have to wash my hands because they sweat too much and this keyboard is just plain awful and I never really learned how to type properly or effectively. Some fucking writer I am.

That was pointless. They will just continue to sweat for no reason that I am aware of. I just wanted to get up because this task is just far too daunting. I just wanted to stand and look at how grey my eyes look in the mirror. I like the idea of having grey eyes. I like the idea of having green eyes as of now, but I’d like grey someday. I used to like the idea of blue eyes but that has since gone. I’m wearing blue today, which would mean that my eyes will look more blue. I can say nothing of substance right now. My share of gold for a type writer and some whiskey and the stomach to handle it.

There’s 10 minutes left until I am going to get up and go out of this room and go where the world shall take me. I spent time with people and thought about things and I can only do that more until I figure out what it is I want or am supposed to do and if anything or any of my ideas of anything actually have some worth. I have spent my life wanting to be this lost soul cast away and aside and because of that is cursed to be the sight of intrigue for others. I wanted this and now I have to deal with it and myself. I have to show confidence when there is none by not showing my thoughts but show that I have them. I want you all to know that I spend my time thinking but I will never tell you what I actually think about because I’m ashamed and afraid. Even if you think I’ve told, I probably haven’t despite how much I talk. I don’t imagine it’s actually a very big deal, I just want to make it into one.

Attention Problems

What happened to us? We used to have such ambition and amazement with anything and everything in our world but slowly as we each grew older with each passing day, we lost faith in ourselves and the endless possibility that our lives can hold. We are born to be free in thought and in spirit but that doesn’t last, does it? Besides, the kid who spends all day staring out the window probably just has some sort of attention disorder.

A little forward? I do apologize but it has been awhile since I’ve written something and I’d be lying to you if I told you that I wasn’t angry about things. I’ve been having issues with this whole idea of growing up and can’t seem to understand why age and abandonment hold hands as we slowly skip along to our graves. We are conditioned, as the generations before us have been, to fit into some sort of mold. I’m not saying that we all fit into one singular mold that works for 7 billion people. That would be ridiculous as there are far too many of us but our nice little social structure does find a place for everyone.

The problem with this or the problem I have with this is that we are all left to feel powerless to the larger tide of things. We have become convinced that there is nothing that we can do to make our world and our lives better as the motion against us is greater than anything we could push back with. Watch five minutes of the news and you’ll see the world is a bad place where bad things happen because of bad people and there’s not a thing that can be done about it so you might as well turn the channel to Chopped until you fall asleep.

This, of course, is nonsense and should be regarded as such. If you look around it’s clear to see that we are living in a time that is the culmination of many things and this world and this generation is starting to understand that we have reached capacity on what we’ve been doing. We know without even being aware of it that we need change and if you don’t see that, tilt your head and look at it again. Our country and the world itself is in truly ridiculous amounts of debt that everyone just seems to be ignoring. There is war and revolution around the world that you can watch get suppressed and oppressed on the 5 o’clock news. There are assassinations around the globe that you and I have never even heard about that don’t even have the courtesy of human conscience to further justify the kill because an unmanned drone shoots rockets at a house from a mile in the sky and just zips away without caring if it was even the right house or not. It can’t, it’s not human.

Meanwhile all the true art forms suffer as commercialism just sells and tells us what we’re supposed to like. We are supposed to wear Abercrombie and look like the guy in the ten foot black and white picture behind the pile of clothes that has price that borders on ludicrous. We toss away our own values and subject it with the one Taylor Swift sings about in some of the worst verse ever passed off as music.

That being said, it’s stands to benefit us as a whole if I point out a few people who are seeking justice or their version of it, in this terribly unjust world. Ever hear of the global hacking group Anonymous? Although no one knows their identities, I have to imagine that if one of us would pass them on the street we would think nothing of it but they have the establishment of the world in a panic even if they show no signs of it. They claim to fight for free speech and there is a large number of people who stand with their message. If you don’t believe me, just look around on the 5^th of November this year especially if things don’t start to get better.

Dr. Ron Paul, although he is often just seen as a bit old and a bit crazy at the very least, seems to be one of the few well known politicians that actually seems to genuinely want the freedom of the people back. His largest contributors to his campaign consist of every branch of the military because he doesn’t feel we should be policing the world and really being a bully to a few places. I’d much rather be a country who is cool and just gets along with people, those countries stay popular after high school and college anyway. More than half of the people who actually vote and care about what’s going on in America want to completely clean out Congress. America is where we live by the way.

You should check out this thing called the Venus Project by a guy named Jacque Fresco. His ideas are quite intense but it travels in the general direction of something that is rare in this day and age. The main concern of Fresco’s activism is promoting this thought of being able to have civilization blend with nature for a self sustaining balanced relationship. I couldn’t tell you if any of his ideas would work but at least he’s thinking ahead and trying to spend the resources of this planet less like a college student or better yet an irresponsible middle aged person with a credit card. There’s about the same amount of both of those demographics.

So I suppose I’m here to ask something of you. I want you to stop and just look out the window for me. Take your time, I’ll wait.

I live on the 10^th floor, which is the top floor of the tallest building within blocks. To me, the world looks small, almost like a snow globe and I thought and asked myself if I thought I could do anything out there that would be good and worthwhile. I think you should ask yourself the same thing and if you really think about it with some sort of sincerity, you will come up with the same answer.

You can. I can. Every single one of us are in control of what goes on involving anything and everything else for a few million miles at least and you can bet that could be a bad thing if we don’t make smart choices and pay attention to our ever changing world. In order to do that, look away from the TV and the blackboard and stare out the window. If you are watching, make sure to act accordingly.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.29.12

There stands reason, too far to fill or feel anything that there was or were or will be and all I can do is twiddle my metaphorical thumbs until time metaphorically ends. Or it might end literally. What can an old young man say about this? I suppose nothing, especially since this is three days later than it should be. At midweek I feel no wiser than I did at the start even though there were times in between here and there that I felt control and some sort of happiness I suppose is the word. What has happened between then and now? Well nothing really, besides a few creations of my own mind and the woes that social media brings. I may be reaching that breaking point where I run off into the woods for to find enlightenment. Isn’t it cute how I kid myself?

But still the timer ticks because once my laundry needs to go in the dryer, this will be abandoned whether it is finished or not. Makes me wonder how I’d fare running from the law or something like that. To have a life of excitement, so much so that you can’t even appreciate how lucky you are to be chased and only wish to stop at least for awhile, if only to take a breath. Hey pot, what color is that kettle?

The last interesting conversation I had was about how stupid people, including myself are and how all we’re geared to do is eat, sleep and fuck and anything else is just made up fluff. Is it sad? A man who hopes that every girl he sees across the room is the one that will be the one that makes him finally be able to give up on all this hopeless change. She’s not of course, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t try and find out. The music is shaking the wall as every next door barely dances to a song that will be played at every crappy party for the next 6 to12 months and then never be played again.

I guess that does sound pretty sad. I need some more time until I can start saying something of value again. Sorry for wasting your time with this one, it just had to be done for personal reasons. I’ll come out drinking another night.