All of you prepare yourself for the coming tide you have not seen in sometime. It’s this damn weather. It’s been so fucking rainy and now, yes! Fucking grand.
My mood has been showing. I’ve been wishing everyone who walks by the desk a good afternoon. Why? Why not? I think it’s a gradual acceptance of the answer of because. Things are as they are because they shouldn’t be any other way. The fabric of this world is so intricately weaved that if you pull only a bit of it apart, it won’t be as beautiful. Now that’s not to say we should abandon hope, on the contrary, it should inspire hope. You don’t know anything, so everything is brilliant and new if you just let it unfold as it should.
I told you, all I needed was a little sunshine and things just fall together so nicely. I feel good. Actually really good, so good that I just yelled to some strangers about how excited I am to be able to get away from this desk and walk out into the world. Fucking yes man, it’s just life and it’s ours. All of ours. Yours is yours and mine is mine and his is hers and it’s all just so grand folks. I don’t know if there’s more that I can tell you.
Knock down the walls and just let that pent up soul of yours do as it pleases without concern or any type of regard for what may go wrong. I speak of course to myself, but if this works for you by all means, go at it. I would just imagine that tossing everything that has that fluffed up sense of value to hide the nothing that’s actually there is the best way to live… if you ask me. But you may like the idea of closing off and hiding away where no one can get you. I tried that, and hell I’m sure I’ll try again. But it won’t work, and most likely never will. And if does, then I have become what I despise and that shan’t be.
But this has killed a nice amount of time, so I deem it a success. Man it feels good to be successful.
Happy Zombie Jesus day everyone!
I went to church today… I know right? But as long as dad is paying the bills, his will shall be done. It is always an entertaining experience though. Babies crying and people giving each other dirty looks. It’s weird but every time I’m in church, I always hope that there’s a fire or something, just to see the people run away from their faith as they push over old ladies and children to get to the exit. Half of the people who go to mass on Easter Sunday don’t go the rest of the year, but I suppose they just want to make sure they get a seat up in the clouds. Me, I kinda want to see what hell is like. I mean, sinning is way better than following the rules, so hell is probably just some out of control party. I wouldn’t really know anyone in heaven anyway. And if I did know the people there, I don’t imagine I would want to be around them.
Upon second thought, maybe wishing for a fire is a bit rash. I have always wondered what people would do if all the sudden the roof split and fire and brimstone rained down from the sky. You know, the whole biblical apocalypse. Right out of Revelations with the horsemen and everything. I wonder what all those people would do. They’d probably run. A few would stay and pray I suppose, and some would try to fight. But what would I do? I’d probably laugh. I’d laugh at the madness and the circumstance.
Or I’d try to find some beautiful way to go out. Something that means something to me because at the end of the world nothing else matters. What that would be, I cannot say. I wouldn’t know until exactly at that moment. Then it would be gone.
Gone… now there’s an interesting word. To be gone, to go away and such. Can you ever really go away? I suppose at the end we all do, but maybe even then we don’t. Mysteries of life that just perplex my tiny little mind. I feel very Bokononist today, probably because I went to church. So let us lie in the sun and lie about reality. Let it break our hearts, minds and souls into a million pieces. Let’s watch it all crumble and see what we have left. If everything were gone, what would we have?
Sigh, said the sad little man. But he’s not really sad, but just curious and fearful of disappointment. There is a difference, but there’s probably not. I wonder if Lord Byron is ever going to reply to my letter. Probably not, but that’s fine. I’m sure he’s busy with his own apocalyptic preparations. When the world does end, I’d like to dance in a bar and have silly little conversations. Hell, I’d like to do that before the world ends too.
I’m writing this only on this blog because I want to be sure that no one reads this. If by some strange and unfortunate chance you actually find yourself reading this, then I apologize truly and sincerely. But trust me when I say, that this needs to happen.
My life has become what I’ve always dreamed and feared it would become… I am a living romantic comedy. Fact. I know, I know. But in all honesty, it’s what I, and in reality any other human being with emotions wants. Don’t believe me? Fine let me prove it. Do you want to be happy? Ok, now within that realm of happiness, is there any chance that a significant other may be involved? Ok if you said no, then you’re either a cowboy, or a fucking liar. You want to engage at some point in some sort of relationship with a member of the opposite sex (or same if that’s what you do… I’m no hater). You just don’t think about it in the romantic comedy sense because it’s your life. Well… it could be just a romance then… but I also want to be a comedian (I guess technically am) so I have to go with both. It’s just what’s natural.
But now where the fuck tits was I? Oh yeah, so I’m a cliché and to further that, here I am writing on my blog because I’m feeling a bit mushy over a girl. And by mushy, I mean almost unhealthily sort of obsessed with. I said almost. I’m 19, it’s still kinda cool. But as I was saying… yeah man, fucking shit. So dig, I was talking to her today and long story short… ummm… I lose? I don’t know. Who the fuck knows? She said she didn’t, but seems to be way cooler with that than I am. What the fuck? She has to be losing her cool a little bit, I mean I played it off well. Ok so I didn’t really, but fuck man. Do I stop?
Well this is just some pickle that I’ve made for myself. I wonder how I will ever get out of it. But fuck it man, I put myself here because I like it. Who am I kidding? I have some sort of sickness for doing this. So do I embrace it? Do I just accept how I am? She did kinda tell me to do that. And hell, no matter what I value what that girl says. She doesn’t have any bad intentions toward me, they just might not be the ones I want. Do I try for her heart again or do I just let go and feel the heartache rip at my soul and being? What should I do? I don’t know where I got it, but I have this belief that there is some sort of happiness in some crack pot scheme called love. I must have had a shelf at Hallmark fall on my head when I was a kid. I just can’t be able to shake the thought of this one person no matter what I do. And it’s not like time hasn’t taken it’s toll, but it just hasn’t gotten rid of it yet. I can’t tell if that’s just from stubbornness or if that maybe it’s stuck in my head for some sort of reason that I just cn’t seem to be able to really come up with any definitive sort of reason why.
What will he do? Where will he go? Will they be together, or will they be fated to be torn apart? Buy this script and you may be lucky enough to find out.
See what I mean? Sigh. I just don’t know man. It’s because it’s been rainy. It really bums me out. Or rather, it makes thinking about this shit so much more appropriate. I mean, I still think about it when the weather is perfect, but then I can just take a deep breath of fresh air, close my eyes, let the warm sun hit my face and just be so captivated by the very possibility of having anything to think about at all. Oh and there would probably be a joint involved… just saying. Hold on, I’m going to change the song just to see what happens. Give me a minute here.
Yeah… haha. I got my answer. I’m going to try. It may crumble and fail, but I’m still going to try. What I felt, when I felt it was real. I can’t just walk away from that. I can wait. I already have and to be honest, I’ve sort of grown fond of the idea of chasing a girl my entire life. I’d kinda like that to be her. I may never get there, but it’s nice to think about and having something tear at my heart has made me into who I am. When it comes down to it, I like who I am and I like to feel like this. Not depressed, bitter or numb, but to have something to just hope for. It’s a nice idea to me.
So I sit, at my desk, in my home and I wonder where to go. I don’t know what it is about me that leaves my mind so filled with nonsense and worries all the time. I get upset and angry easily. I get jealous easily. I rarely see the error of my ways and what consequences may be a result of my actions. I don’t have faith or religion. I don’t have many things, but that’s a lie because I have many things. So then why the want? Why the constant craving for something else? Why won’t it let me be? Why can’t I just be me? Why do I have to try and impress this person and have issues with someone else? Why, man? Why?
And that my friends, is the essence of being human… I suppose. I don’t really know, but if I had to take a guess as to what the essence of humanity was, I’d say that. Just one word that embodies the whole point of human existence. And there is an answer too, but we’re all just too human to accept it. If you ask why, the answer is because. No matter what it may be about, it just is because that’s how it is. And I don’t know about you, but that infuriates the shit out of me. I shake my fist at the heavens and cry out “Because? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s the best you’ve got? Fuck you”. Then I would be immediately reprimanded by a bolt of lightning from the clouds. But there is no bolt of lightining, there is only because and I, and all the other creatures that walk on two legs with conscious thought have to just suck it up and be ok with it.
But then why do anything? Well duh… because. Fuck me right? Or don’t, that’s cool too. So can I just do as I please and when somebody asks me why, I can look them in the eye and say ‘because’? Well if I’m not willing to take that as an answer, I don’t believe that anyone else will either.
But that’s not why I’m here, or is it? I don’t really know. I haven’t written as much in the past few days, so I suppose this is just catching up. But I might as well take this time to reach out to you, the poor soul reading this. Tell me your woes and maybe I can help. I probably can’t offer you much besides kind words and a smile, but maybe that’s all we really need. But I’d really like to figure out where I need to go with my life next, so if anyone else finds themselves in this rather slowly sinking boat, let me know. If I’m going to drown, I’d rather not do it alone. So my advice to myself and to you would be to find comfort in something and let everything grow from there. Even if that thing goes away and fades off into nothingness, the life you built from it may not. But it may, so I suppose you should be prepared for that. I personally, just want to live and feel warmth in my heart. I’ve done it before, so I know I can, but the question is how. Or better yet, the question is why. And the answer is because. Nice little circle, right?
So I’m a bit doped on pain killers and it is now Thursday, so I’m many days late on this. I don’t know where to really start because so much has happened. Life seems to be getting the best of me.
So we’ll start there. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. I was supposed to get on the train and get home, but instead got very sick after a brownie and some wine. This in turn, caused me to have to call up my mom and have her come get me. I went home, went to sleep after blaming my sickness on the wine and woke up this morning with an absurd amount of pain in my mouth. So off to the dentist I go to sit and wait in that awkward chair for who knows how long being forced to listen to the hits of the “80’s, 90’s and today!” which drove me further off the edge. My mouth is infected a bit from where my wisdom tooth is growing, hence the pain and getting sick. An infection of the mouth can apparently also make you feel physically sick, which may explain yesterday better.
But I got scared man. My brother just gave me what was left of my car. It’s the name from the back but it was broken so now all it says is “utlass Su” which breaks my heart. Amidst all my puking and trying to keep the world from spinning so much, I asked myself why do I bother? And I couldn’t find an answer. Even the things that I love and crave, I’m scared are impermanent. I keep looking for something, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe it’s just nothing and then what? What if everything I think means so much, has no value and if it does, it will only run away and smash my heart into a million pieces.
But, I’m feeling better today. It helps being home and it helps that the pain is gone. And I should really just focus on other things. I had an interesting start to this week. Gerard visiting for a few days was nice. A little enjoyment is never bad and besides, one of us was on vacation, that counts. Aside from my little episode yesterday, it was quite a good time.
And now Miss Julie is over. Thank Satan. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great experience as an actor, but a 19 year old college student, it sucked. And since I hadn’t really gotten a break since the Wedding Singer, I’ve been quite drained. Again, another factor contributing to yesterday, I’m sure. But The first show as Jean, but the second was different. I don’t get stage fright easily or often. Sunday, I did. But I suppose that’s what happens when there’s someone in the audience you are trying to impress. I must tell you, it was hard to not just stare at her when I was on stage, but Jean prevailed and I made it through the show.
I spent the rest of the day learning to remember a part of me that I had buried. I was a gentleman, don’t worry, but I still am uncertain how I feel, just because I shut myself off for so long. I had gotten my nerves all worked up, but I can say that seeing her helped. It had been too long. Now I just have to figure out where to go from here. Any clues?
That’s fine, I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out. I just don’t want to be scared of this stuff anymore. I want to feel free. I want to live and feel all I am capable of feeling. Is that so much? Don’t let my life erode from beneath me. Who the hell am I even asking?
Very curious about this film