Sunday Morning Thoughts 6.24.12

     I started, or at the very most tried to start writing this on Sunday, which was now three days ago. The things written are not here now because they were crap and therefore were erased. Harsh, I know but these things have to happen. However, I did save the bit I wrote last night. I don’t remember writing it, which can only add poetic value in accordance with lifestyle policy. Enjoy.

     Not yet. I have returned but the thoughts to have are still to dawn upon me. I could talk about the few dozen things that are on my mind but it would be a waste at this point. I have drunk this evening but not enough to have anything profound fall from my thoughts. You’ll just have to wait this short moment which to some may seem like a life time.

     Irish lullabies will get me no further than they have ever known to be but so be it as such. Madness will need to seep so much more furiously from this individual I call I or the whole thing will tumble and fall to pieces. I’m mad and I love you. Yes, every single one of you can dive in as much as you’d like. What would any of this be without the pursuit for attention.

But riddle me this, Batman. How would you define success?

     And like, the answer becomes ever more difficult to hear.

     Why that was spared when the rest were sacrificed may never be known to you. It may not even be known to me but I’ll never tell.

     I’ve spent much of my time speaking of oblivion and infinite possibility and existence and whatever is the opposite. The irony in that last sentence is quite nice, but we are not here for literary tricks. We are here to accomplish something.

     What’s that Johnny? You want to know what it is that we have to accomplish? Alright tampon, listen up.

     We are here, or at least I am here to free the human soul from these absurdly made shackles that are cast on all. There are so many places in the world, this fearless nation being one of them, that claim to be a beacon of freedom and liberty for all of man. They are liars and very poor ones at that. The world is run by shady circus folk and we are stupid and drooling. Even those of us that are awake and understanding have to pretend or they’ll come around and give you another shot from that needle.

     Reasons cannot seem to find why this has started to fill my mind more and more and more. The feeling of obligation and destiny and sense of destination have got me. The world does not allow that my will be done but understand that the sway of it all can be influenced much more than thought. The human mind is a terrible thing that when it works its best, all it can do ask why and never receive any kind of real answer.

Why seem so aggressive? It may very well be getting to that time. You know, that period in life that is drummed up to seem so dire and drastic and yet falls and fades just like the rest. I ask you to allow me to be a tad selfish for this instant as I feel like stringing some fairly fantastic lines about falsehoods.

I hate to break the covenant made on the high holy day but there are souls at stake. Namely mine. I may have seen too many decaying people in recent moments to be able to express a sunny outlook but I shall try just the same.

Now with that being there and I being here, the point becomes different with disregard for most anything and nearly everything. The goal has to change to something that if it is not more simple, it is certainly nowhere near as difficult.

This simple task is global domination. Not in the sense of what we will try and do tonight, Pinky, but in dominion of an idea. I was aware that domination was not the proper word choice since it had been written. It stayed to keep you all on your toes. I may ask you to do something later.

What now kid?

Well I look at it like this. Most of the moves that will be made from day to day will seem small and many will be lost. Now if I make as moves as possible, that only statistically makes the odds better, does it not? Either way, I want to enjoy these last few moments. I have spent my time better than I have ever given myself credit for, but it could have certainly gone better.

I believe that last one was at least half a lie. 

Sunday Morning Thoughts 6.17.12

I’m feeling better. Isn’t that fantastic? I feel healthier and complain much less. I’m becoming quite comfortable in the plump doses of solitude. My mind is less frantic and I seem less worried. This won’t last of course.

Would you like to know why? This is an easy one. I don’t want to. I want chaos and will only begin to crave it soon. I want my madness to be reborn.

As I wrote that the sun began to break through the clouds and shone through my window. It was warm on my face. Paul Simon was playing. Bask is the cliché, if you’d like. It may give you an orange tan though.

But as I was saying earlier, this is temporary grounding. Very soon, I will be running around with a mad smile and fire in my soul to rob this world blind of experience. It will be dark and deep and will shine with radiant light like no other.

But that time is not now, not quite yet. For now, I’ll gather my thoughts and feelings and spread them out in the sun. They will be ripped and torn and melted. Once only pieces remain, they will be patched and stitched and mixed together. Life’s a quilt. Get it?

I apologize for that. I can honestly say that my mind is not pressed to say so much, or I am unaware of what it’d like to say at the very least. I could try to say something about this or that, but that could go here or there and might just come out looking like it’s supposed to be something that it’s not. People would get the wrong idea. Of course, they may have never ever really had the right one in the first place.

I put more memories up on my wall. Pictures of faded sunsets and happy people. Mass cards and magazine clippings too. I went through paper books where people had said nice things to me. I’ve been trying to think of the heart less and the mind more. That’s probably better justification for why things seem less grim. I know it is.

There are many things that have sculpted the boy whose voice you are imagining in your head as you read. I’ve had time to think about things that had been forgotten for a time. The good and the bad and the mad and the sad and all the other things that had changed me or made me feel different or older or stronger. I’ve lived a life full of ambition despite some words that I have said. I have grown into a man, just not completely yet. I hope there is always part of my youth with me and I trust something will survive the gauntlet.

However, there are many things that will go. I have lost faith in any idea of god and am losing it in the country I call home. To some, those are the worst things to ever have happen to a soul. To all the rest of us, our doubt is the only thing that keeps us going. I can tell you this, I would not be the man that I am today had I not stopped asking God to make life better for me. Even the literary character of the Lord would have told me he wasn’t here to help my lazy ass. If you crave to be something, you go fucking be it and quite yer ballin’.

     To want to hurt and break and take whatever harsh justice you feel is needed will only breed more of the sort. It may sound gone over and bored to belief at this point but that doesn’t make it any less true. If you kill a dictator, you will only make one out the child now left without a father.

     Now if you create something, that will only create something in someone somewhere else. Horror and beauty are they two things that will sculpt any one of us greater than anything else that could happen. They both only lead to the creation of more of its kind but the tide seems to be leaning on so much heavier along the other side.

     I could keep preaching. I don’t feel that I should or that I even want to. In fact, I’m sure that I don’t. I just needed to get a few words down to represent a small portion of thought that have been had. Unbelievable small really. 

Sunday Morning Thoughts 6.10.12

Another week and this story is still barely near being what you could call started which only makes it even further from being finished. I believe I’m going to make all of this stop right now.

I don’t know if I’m able to look into my future for any period over 25 years and predict that I am going to have to try and survive some pretty horrific things, including some sort of mass extinction of humans. What will cause such things can only be speculated, but the pressure is building up from all around and there’s only so much she can take. Humans have been too bitter and petty towards each other for far too long now. Unfortunately the acts committed for petty and often times stupid reasons hold much more harm than need be.

I feel that if I don’t stand up to something and start making some sort of noise about this, then I will have failed to serve any type of purpose myself and will fall to the likes of the sheep who will march slowly to their slaughter. Now I ask you, does that seem like any way to live?

I didn’t think so. I could be extreme but I’d rather say that I’m preparing for the worst. It’s better than believing that nothing bad could really ever happen to you just because it hasn’t happened yet. Anything could happen and some things that shouldn’t, do.

It’s probably not best to be all gloom and doom but I had a terribly wonderful dream the other night that really set me back a few hundred days. I’ve been trying to skip back to where I was, but it’s not that easy to pretend. Regardless, the dream and its contents are my own and I’d like to bury them by myself, if you don’t mind. My private choice to turn my mind into a graveyard could also have many unseen consequences, but I’m American. I don’t bother with concerns about consequence.

Here’s the thing though. I was speaking with a friend as we wandered through a park a few days ago. There is tide brewing that will effectively change the entire game, all within our lifetimes. Now here’s the hopefully part. There exists a group within this generation that is coming of age now, that has lost feeling towards their brainwashing efforts. This is not everyone of course, as many of you pigeons are not even aware to the ignorant evil that you feed. Many of us vegetate in front of mindless TV that couldn’t even be called entertainment. We waste our time on nothingness and dope our minds on drugs and crappy music. And then there’s those who fill their minds with bullshit pop politics fed to us from money making thrill machines that live under the guise of news. It’s these things that will lead to our doom.

However after spending all our lives in the over saturation of thought draining media, a few of us have found its effects to be wearing off. Satisfaction can no longer be found following the patterns set before us so we begin to act out. Some of us are criminals, or musicians or writers or actors. We are computer programmers and teachers and we are starting to find that this isn’t working anymore. And I mean any of it, the whole ruse is falling apart.

Naturally, none of really know what to do which would explain the Occupiers and the protestors across the world, from Montreal to Syria and Spain. We want to get upset and tell the powers that we need these things but as they have learned in Syria, the powers that be don’t care about the person, just the mob. Each part of the world deals with its mobs differently after all. Here in the states, we just get the occasion overly violent arrest and accidental death but the idea that it won’t get worse is a terrible one to hold. In America, we all fell asleep in front of the tube, only to wake and find that our congressman was looting our house.

I say all of this because I think it needs to start being said. I am a writer or at least I am in this moment, so my best bet to start moving where it needs to get is by writing. If I write this and someone reads it (such a novel concept these days… get it? Novel? Go back to sleep) then I may have helped them to break the brainwash. Someone had to dig me out, and I suppose it was really a few people.

But as I was saying, if I could convince one other person to start looking harder at what they see, then maybe they’ll share the wealth. We have no money and if you actually read about economics, you’d know that. We have no faith as half the churches are corporations and all of them seem to only care about selling themselves as better than the other. We are losing our nation and already have to the millions who hate this place because of 21st century imperialism.

This can still all be changed though. And if you’ve made it this far in this short essay of sorts, I urge you to help. I shouldn’t have to though. You should want to do it for yourself.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 6.3.12

I remember why I decided to try and write in the morning. It’s much more peaceful. Enough of the world that is full of stupid people is still asleep or at least not out and about. Birds are still singing louder than the cars that pass by and the sun shines so that shadows can cast these long beautiful angles upon everything they want.

There’s a tree right outside the window of my room for the summer. I’m going to call it my tree and I will write to it because I love it. How could I not? It’s perfect and everything that I’ve ever wanted. I will be broken when it gets cut down. The tree that got away.

All I am doing now is nonsense until that tea kettle starts whistling. I’m just killing time, which at this point makes me a mass murderer. Minutes, seconds, hours and days, all dead and gone. But not today. Today looks to be very much alive still.

I try not to think about how sad and desperate I may have seemed to be in my past. I’m sure it was quite a scene but I would like to think of myself as strong or at least stronger than something. I don’t really know what I’m trying to get at with all of this, but I would like it to be better than the crap I wrote last week, and by last week I mean it was finished last night. I would still like to get this one done by noon, but I will not rush it until I have produced and extraordinarily new piece of crap.

There are tasks that need to be done and then I suppose I could bathe and finish that bowl. Hopefully, after all of that some nice pretty ideas will come into actuality. We shall see.

With only 13 minutes left until it is no longer morning, I have found myself without words, yet again. I desire to say something but just like in all those bad dreams, nothing comes out no matter how much I feel as though I’m screaming. The same thing goes for trying to run away. I never seem to be fast enough. There are obvious symbols at play here but, I’ve never been one to believe much of anything.

Don’t get me wrong, I have many beliefs. Some of them you could even consider to be quite strong, but that doesn’t mean that they are good, in the moral or ethical sense. I may not behave in a way that is conducive to success but that matters not, for this whole world is designed with parameters that only desire to be bent and broken. They want to be free, as do I. There may be a mutual agreement in the works between myself and chaos.

Morning has passed and I am still here. The time flows and it has come time that I assume the words may not find me today. Maybe it’s my longing for human comfort or something like that but I crave what I do not have and this is just how it shall be, for the time being at least. I just have to find comfort in knowing that these things may not be that bad. In fact, I know that they’re not that bad.

I want to make a bold proclamation but it’s just not in the works for me today. I’ll have to try again at a later date.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 5.27.12

There has to be something that I’ve been looking for. Right? But then I suppose the question would be what or whether I truly deep down inside know what that something is. I want to know why I can still ache for happiness I’m not sure I’ve ever had.

That’s most likely because I’m searching more for fulfillment than happiness. To be happy is to be simple and vain. Happiness is the cheap flowers sold on the side of a street that could be bought for someone. Happiness is not knowing whether those flowers were thrown out. People talk about happiness on Facebook, which I do and have done which makes me no better than the rest. To be happy is to have the consistent comfort of another human soul who may or may not mean much or anything at all.

I think it’s time that I give up on the pursuit of happiness for something more substantial. It will most certainly be more difficult and could be impossible but for some reason that is not known to me to be natural or un, I have to go on. There is a simple life that I could take, but if I did such a thing something that smells like regret would haunt and fill my mind.

Sorry I’m being such a bummer. I haven’t gotten laid in a while.

There’s a bit of light shining through my window. The wind is blowing the trees out there. It’s a world that is very much alive. My search for an answer has just turned into a search for words which I am just as lost for. Hence the poor prose preceding all points before here.

When the future comes to pass, it’s usually quiet and hard to notice. Distraction from whatever you’d like, keeps you slower than the passing world. The air shakes around me in shapes that only pavement can make and I am no steps closer to being anywhere but here which is, as of now, not a poetic place to be.

Success to me may not be the same to you, nor fame nor love. If I knew the minds of those around me I could have dodged many things and caught a few others. I would have seized many more moments but ‘would’ is too cruel a word. It’s almost as cruel as ‘will’, which when followed with a ‘be’ and then a promise. Why promise something when it could just be done right away?

I am trying to cure myself of all that makes me ill. And by trying, I mean that I fancy the idea of trying but have yet to make any grand moves in the direction of proper pursuit. Naturally, they are all based on some sort of tick inside my mind that could easily be diagnosed as mental illness for the right price on the pill bottle. Most of these said ailments are a result of pressure from some sort of capitalistic cultural movement towards re-education in my generation and more importantly, my willingness to comply. My individuality, if it even really exists, is a new and hard fought idea.

Right here, right now as I type each of these words, know that I face this very enemy that constantly plagues me and my father told me about all these years. I want instant gratification for my every whim and with that, comes no satisfaction. I also don’t know if I can get anything that is even like satisfaction in this life of mine.

Look at the size of that thing. The great white lie. I am less than happy now so all my past can be seen as is less than that. I know that I’ve had a time or two or twenty, when I was much happier but since those are gone, I cower to think about them. It’s selfish and childish, I’m sure, but I have a back that aches too much for it to carry on this way.

And after tossing around a bit, I’ve come to the same point that I’ve been all day. And for now, it doesn’t really matter because this is a week late anyway. I have become caught on the hinge of wanting to feel desperate and lonely in the hope of attraction for too long. There wasn’t a lass to be seen in the sight that could be had in the bar. I’ll try to come up with an answer tomorrow. Or you could come help me find such a tale, if it even exists at all.