Sunday Morning Thoughts 10.30.11

You can get upset if you’d like, I often do. You can make a big fuss about this or that or anything really and make it like the end of the world, or at least the end of your world. You can hate whoever you want to fucking hate and you can think that you’re the best and the worst and maybe I’ve had too much because I’ve been away from this party for awhile now and it’s all because I’m giving myself a pep talk about nothing in the reflection of the toothpaste splashed mirror.

Someone must be wondering what I’m doing since I’ve been gone for so long. Actually, everyone else is too fucked up to even find that fact that I’m not around to be strange. I do give them credit though, because there’s always a big up rise of noise of some sort when I come into a room. After all, I am the king of sausages.

I’m a bit of a dead beat king though. I spend time and a lot of it, but I’m not getting much of anything out of it. I seem to never get enough sleep but what is there to show for it? It feels like nothing, but I don’t know. There are things, at least a few things that I have from all of this time.

Human motivation is a thing and like all other things, we have no idea how or why it works. We think we do but we don’t because we’re not very good at understanding most things. Yet we will always chase and argue and all of that because I want that and you have that and that just can’t be and I want you but I can’t have you and it’s been so long but it still feels the same and it will be all that piercing infectious warmth that fills your veins whether you want it to or not, or at least that’s what it’s like for me. Ya dig?

But dig this one too. The world is full of action and if you don’t act upon something, you won’t be able to pick up or something like that. If you stand still, you won’t be moving and well to be honest, I guess people just like to move whether there is need or reason or not. We both might be out at different places and be thinking about the same thing or we could be doing nothing like that. It would be nice to think about, but then again they’re just thoughts. They don’t even exist, well as a physical thing in a physical world. But maybe you do here and there. Maybe it’s more than that, but I don’t know. It takes so much to get you to talk about anything.

Then, a day and a handful of hours in the future…

There you go, making up conversations again. I tend to be a bit more spacey when I have less sleep, but I suppose that only makes sense. Then again, I am always a little spacey, like how I witnessed myself still practically silent at a table full of people talking and laughing and being merry in the wee hours of the morning. I’m a bit weird, and kind of mean. Many people forgive me for these things, but I am undeserving and often act ungrateful. I have flaws, as all humans do. My flaws at the moment seem to be many, most likely because I seem to be acting upon them. Like I said, I’m actually a fairly mean and selfish person, but I wish I weren’t. I obviously don’t wish it enough to do anything about it, I just wish in the sense that I know it should be that way and I just don’t do anything and by the grace and vivid detail of the universe, that thing just happens. But motivation doesn’t just happen.

It really doesn’t because if you sit there and think about it and say “hmmm” and “that’s very interesting”, you’ll realize that motivation is a made up thing. It’s just an idea, sort of. It’s a cultural phenomenon, but really has more to do with the species than anything else. Either way, it’s not really real, but so is most stuff. None of it really, which reminds me of a funny story

So dig, I was at this little shindig at my friend’s apartment and I went out on the back porch to have a cigarette because that’s where you go if you want to do that whole thing. So I walk out there with my friend, not the one who lives there but another one, and there are two, couples I guess you would call them, just looking at one another talking very low and very hushed. I call them couples, but I suppose it’s more of intoxicated hook up interest or something of the sort. I don’t blame them, everyone does it.  However, I did not feel like allowing this to continue, so I start talking about how our lives are all meaningless and things of that nature, very loudly to my friend. I did this specifically to kill the mood. One couple then leaves, but the gentleman of the other set of individuals begins to join my conversation.

He turned out to be an idiot. He heard me talking about a little… existentialism I suppose is the term to be used here, so his tiny little drowned mind just began talking about religion and making fairly stupid and border line ignorant things fall from his mouth, but he got bored after I started to actually engage this little shit chat… hahahahahaha. I meant to write chit chat, but instead got shit chat. Oh, the irony of life.

Anyway he walked away and I did that social thing dressed up as James Dean, and that whole spending money thing and now another month is gone and my life just gets more of the same. I hope that the coolness will last beyond Halloween and I will break down something soon, or at least I hope. I’m sorry to anyone that has been affected by this. I meant no harm, but still made some. It is unfortunately one of my most instinctual actions apparently. I do what I can about it, for real.

But word, this is Sunday Morning Thoughts… you feel me?

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Sunday Morning Thoughts 10.23.11

The flesh is weak, especially flesh that is this completely and utterly spent. I’m beat, man. And not like Kerouac beat, more like, I’ve been drinking for two days, hung over, beat… even though I think that might be what he meant. I was told I have sunburn on my face and there is a bruise on my hip that I don’t remember getting, all done surprisingly enough, with not that much money… or at least yesterday. I still have no money, but I figured I wouldn’t have made it this far.

There were kids fighting while I was getting pizza. Some guy was arguing with some girl in a very sloppy drunk freshman fashion. Actually this one was a little scummier, since the guy ended up losing his cool so bad that he just starts screaming and yelling that he’s from Queens and said nigga like fifty times and got everyone thrown out. I had to take the elevator with him and listen as he tried to justify himself to no one because I don’t think anyone really gave a shit. It was all over some hickey he had. Like I said, the flesh is weak.

Ever feel like you’re separated from the things that you are supposed to know so well, so much that when you so much as look and listen to the people you know and they seem like they’re not real, made up, as if they were some sort of actors in some sort of play that you get to sit on stage and watch happen? That is unless you act back and play the game and hell, maybe you could even win the game.

The sun is creeping out and that’s alright. It’s cool and almost cold and it’s fall and the leaves are falling just like they did last year and the year before that and I’m going to assume for some time before I was ever born.

If there was a way to know what way anything would go, would you want to know? Would I? Or is the vast power of mystery just too much for me to be able to handle such a thing. Why live on if you just know what would happen. There once was a kid and in his place stands a young man with a few hairs on his chin and darker circles under his eyes. And he has a headache. And he’s probably going to finish this later because I’m feeling quite thoughtless. I’m more vegetable than man now.

And then I went to stuff all day and then sleep for like twelve hours and then woke up and did some good things and ate and here I am, now, sitting and trying to figure out where I was going with this yesterday. I honestly don’t know if I can even remember the fried out thoughts I had and am not really sure if I could be even capable of recreating them, or even if I want to do such a thing. I don’t believe I will because to be perfectly honest it’s slowing me down from anything that I was thinking before.

So I’ll just think now. And so clicks the clock. It goes on and on as I just think in place. Maybe you could consider it meditation, but you shouldn’t. I’m scared still and seemingly forever. I thought about something someone asked me and I didn’t really think all that much of it until now. She asked me when I was moving to New York City. Well Brian, when are you moving to New York City?

Well after I graduate I guess, if I get a job and you know, like if I have the money or maybe borrow or something… I dunno.

What the fuck kind of answer is that. When? As soon as I fucking can. How? However I fucking can. I need to start sprinting. I need to do something and stop starving and I need to get ready to jump to the next day. I can’t dread the loss of any day because I could always have tomorrow and if I can’t, oh well. Death is but a part of life and someday my understanding of that will be real. I need plans to follow until they collapse, at which point I have more plans. I need to keep running and chasing something.

And yet I won’t let anything come to mind. I don’t urge myself to rise and do something that I can value myself for. I don’t know now, I don’t know. I think and worry and want to do things but apparently not enough and live a vague life with vague excuses.

But I’m still tired and don’t have cigarettes, so I suppose I’ll think a little worse of myself. It’s the curse of being part of a generation that wants instant gratification. The problem is that time is a thing that this reality likes to use, so few things are instant. But it is just nothing, especially whenever you look back because no matter how old you are, when you look back on what has passed, it seems like nothing. Or rather is seems as it were part of this condensed whole. It just compiled and is and the rest is just fed to us. The curse of being part of the spoon fed generation, which is a lot larger than a normal generation.

All these curses and yet it is so easy to feel so light and like nothing and its grand isn’t it? 

Apocalyptic Daydream

I should be learning my lines, but I’m not. I should be doing homework, but I’m not. My room is a mess, but I’m not there. I slept through my 11am class twice this week. I seem to be doing a whole lot of nothing these days. I did add my first girlfriend as a friend on Facebook yesterday and she accepted it. Look at me go. She was my first kiss and yes I still remember it. I think I fucked up though because she is gorgeous now, as I thought she was when I was 15. I’m not 15 anymore though and that was a long time ago.

I hate how I’m stuck at this desk. I can’t work at a desk for the rest of my life. If I did, I doubt my life would be very long but who knows, the global economy could collapse and we could all become hunters and gatherers again. And when I say all, I don’t mean everyone on the planet because let’s be honest, most people couldn’t survive on their own. Most people can’t move out of their parents’ house, let alone be able to survive in a vicious environment that has no forgiveness or mercy. I even doubt that I would be able to make it through. I hope that I would.

I actually wonder about that a lot, as strange as that seems to most people. If our society and civilization fell apart, what would I do? I like to think that I would stay in New Rochelle for awhile and make the building I live in a sort of fortress. I would block off the entrances to the courtyard and make some sort of gate to the building. I live on the top floor so there’s some natural defense there. I could scope things out on the roof and I suppose I would eat squirrels or anything I could salvage from the abandoned super-markets. I don’t imagine I’d have any way of getting in contact with my parents, unless I find some long wave radios or something like that. I would have to invade the library too because once the internet goes, I could make myself the king of knowledge with all of those books.

I would probably have to arm myself too. And I’m not really in that good of shape either, so I would have to work on that. Actually, I should be working on that now because if it happens I don’t think I’ll be as ready as would like to think. It’s survival of the fittest and that is not I.

But these are just some of the things I think about. I don’t have a smart phone, so I guess this is the consequence of that. It’s weird that I can do so much in my fantasy and yet do very little in my real world. I know, I know, none of this could actually be real, but it is what my senses say is, so I should at least play that. Oh well, I’ve killed enough time. I guess I’ll go back and learn my lines.

Photo by Cait McCarthy

Sunday Morning Thoughts 10.16.11

This is the second time this week that I’m starting my day around 1 pm. I slept more than I should, I skipped class and I had no motivation to vacate my bed until my desire to use the bathroom became a requirement and I was forced to leave my warm little safe haven. I was quite upset about it, but then I hung out with Billy Pilgrim and took a shower.

And now here I am. Yet again, caught in a place where there are no words that come to mind. My thoughts have no theme or purpose and it sucks but it’s peaceful. Still, it cannot stay this way. I get way too bored way too easily. In fact even now I’m bored and now that I’m awake I wish I could go out and do something. But then I don’t really do all that much. It’s a bummer I know.

So let me offer you a question… just let me think of it first. I know that I wasn’t to ask you something, but it’s so hard to drum up the proper words. I would imagine that it would go something like this. Do you think it’s possible to take over the world? You know what I mean? Just for once we could complete turn the tables and all of the sudden the entire world we know is at our mercy? Some may say it’s egotistical and power hungry, but they misunderstand why such a thing would want to be done. It really is just curiosity. I just want to see what things were like if they were completely different. I’m sorry but I can get so bored so easily. Still wouldn’t it be grand to stroll along the planet and know that for the first time you could waltz about and change things as you saw fit.

But I suppose that would get boring too. There would be no surprises and heavens me, how I love my surprises! Even if I could and did take over the world, I would get bored with it. I’m still going to try, but I know I’ll get bored when I get there, or I suppose it’s closer to if I get there.

Until then let the soft sad songs pull me and push me and make me crumble and fall. Let me revile in my last shimmering moments of consequence free youth. Let me chase you, my muse, because I will whether you would want me to or not. I’ll just have to suck it up and conquer my little snow globe until I get to a bigger one. My time for leisure is running short and by the way things look outside, it’s not going to be a smooth transition.

All I can ask for in the meantime is enough inspiration to be able get some sort of rise out of myself in the morning so I can go out and pretend to be a superhero or something like that. Embrace the bullshit a little, ya know? It’s all baby steps to global domination. Don’t believe me? Just wait and see.

The Cries of the Disgruntled Citizens

Ok, so has anyone else watched the news? There are things that are brewing within the mass civilized population that might just be worthy of our attention, even more than Modern Family. I sat at my computer tonight and just clicked around here and there and found riots in Rome and people being arrested in banks in Manhattan. Maybe it’s just the sites I find, but there seems to be a species very fed up with how it lives. I don’t know if there is really any plan in development, but that’s probably due to the lack of leadership. These uprisings don’t seem to be producing and names to the forefront of what’s going on. Then again it is still early.

Actually if you were in London, you got to see Julian Assange. Indeed an interesting person and there can’t be denying that. He may be considered a criminal to some, but so are a lot of people these days. That may or may not say something about the state of play, but I think we need not go further into the subject. Point being, that’s one. That is one profound character in the fray, so to speak.

Actually, my apologies; Kanye West showed up to Occupy Wall St. We’re saved. I don’t really like Kanye. I’m sorry but he rolls around in money and I don’t really like his music or anything he does. However, I am not here to hate, so I shall not.

People are upset, but where can you direct anything? Our politicians do nothing. We all seem to know that and just accept it. There was a presidential candidate who had a reality show. Did you know that? In the arts you can find independent spirits here and there, but even artists have lost their integrity. There’s the guys who make South Park, whether by intention or not, who have a fair share of cultural impact, but maybe that’s just my personal bias to the power of comedy. Then again look at George Carlin and Lenny Bruce, two men who were prophets of the brick wall.

But we are still stuck in this rut of being all disgruntled and having nothing effectively being done about it. Again, this is only an infant stage of anything, if it even becomes anything. For all we know, we the people, may submit to a lifestyle of debt and ultimate destruction because that possibility is so very real. It may be something scary to talk about, but it can’t be something that is not brought up here and there. We consume at insane rates and replace damn near nothing. Most of the technology that is available to the public is less than what it could be so it could boost profit for somebody somehow, be it the gas in your car or waiting for the new iPhone even though and newer one will be out something like a week later. We spend money we don’t have on things we don’t need, like war, which whether you think it is just or not, is insanely expensive and we’ve been at it a decade now. That is a long time to be spending that kind of money and all the while the rest of us at home pay for it with the debt of our lifestyles.

Our generation is already in debt. We have hardly done anything and we already have to be prepared to embrace the massive weight of the actions of all those before us. There are big changes in the future of the human race. It’s about time if you look at the patterns. It may also be something bigger than anything ever before. If you look around you can see we are using our planet so poorly and cluttering the whole place up that it may just get rid of us soon. It does that, it will clean itself.

I suppose it’s just something to think about, but don’t be caught unaware. It is only through these types of things that we make those big steps forward as a civilization. Assuming we don’t trip.

I think we should see why this is happening in Canada. It might just be the answer.

Long Sweaters with Reindeer – III

Now what in the hell was I thinking before? I had it, but I did too many other things in between now and then and I’ve done gone and forgot about it. Silly Brian. I’m sure the history of toxins haven’t helped my memory all that much. Still, there is the hope that the profound thought that I believed to be so grand will soon return to me. Or at the very least, a new one will sprout up.

Something about ambition, or at least I think it is. So bold of a word and yet where is it? Will it not rear its head? I felt ambitious a few days ago. I still feel it today, but I fear it’s departure. But isn’t that just it, fear? Or love? But it isn’t so simple. Or maybe it is?

I don’t know love. At least not anything big involving love. I’ve had ideas, but they’ve been covered up and blurred and drugged and drunk. I have memories and such, but what good are they? The only good perhaps. The vibrant world of imagination and the potential it can create.

And all this because I just won’t write my paper about that rather good film I just watched. Makes me wonder what’s actually up in his head. I hope that it’s not something he can’t control, but then again, he’s got a lot more will power than i. Once he gets out of his little cage of teenage angst he’ll be alright. I suppose that’s what I’ve done… sort of.

I feel much better some of the time and yet at others there is this unbearable weight of guilt. I’m broken and vicious and reluctant and reckless. My actions are haphazard and my thoughts don’t have a word to be described by. I suppose no one with any real thoughts can describe them. That’s why people make music or paint or write poetry. There is no word to describe a thought or a feeling and yet the effort is still put forth. A few words tossed together may have a better shot at making the mark, but it will still fall short. Life I guess, it something that is worked at. There is always the option of quitting. You can always fail, but that’s scary and unacceptable so we shouldn’t talk about it.

Well I say fuck that. Let’s talk about it. Failure is this idea that everyone dodges. No one wants to fail or quit, but that’s bullshit because everyone wants to fail or quit or give up. We want to abandon the rat race and retire to a place on contentment, but you can’t. You can’t quit because then people will call you a quitter. You can’t fail because then you’d be a failure. Well I’m a quitter and a failure and I’m damn proud of it.

Let me elaborate on this because the point may not be properly understood. I quit trying to fit into the molds and holds that are set before me. I fail to be a piece of machinery that ticks away at its work to please some other being than myself. Fuck Pepsi and fuck the government and fuck Occupy Wall St. and fuck learning about individuality in school. It’s all the same shit. It’s all people who do the same thing. Even the people who are upset and believe as though they are doing something about it. They don’t know what or how or why to do anything, so they just do nothing in one place in a group. It doesn’t work like that. The intentions are good and justified but fuck, if you actually cared you would do something.

Anyway, this was not the idea that I had, but it is an idea none the less. I wrote them so you could see them. We could always talk about them, even if you think mine are stupid. I do need to get out of this place again soon, but it may be a while. I’ll escape to Manhattan again soon. Take a five hour breath on a ping pong table that has doubled as a bed for who knows how many people.