Sunday Morning Thoughts 8.23.15

So here goes another attempt at this. Consider it the less than grand return.

It’s been over a year- and what a year it has been. Many a time before this moment, the lonely weekly post bearing this title has fallen short, and off track, and unappreciated by its fool of an author. You see, I’m very capable of disappointment, sometimes the sort reaching incomprehensible levels. Not only have a let down myself on a rather regular basis, the pain and heartache I have caused others in this life could border on emotional war crimes.

Yet, there seems to be a sort of insane balance. For as many times as I have been such a great disappointment- expectations were also exceeded and the young man, who is not so young anymore, achieved handfuls of accomplishments that were at the very least good, if not extraordinary. I’ve done a few nice things, while still other humans have thanked me intensely and intimately for actions I deemed to be “no big deal” or “just doing my job”.

So what does that mean?

Mathematically, I suppose that just balances out to average. Sadly, I find that to be immensely saddening, if not disgusting. It is another one of those disappointing personality traits of mine, but being average may be my greatest dread. Even talking about myself this much reflects only on a seemingly selfish nature that puts the rest of the world into categories based upon how they fit into my desires for life. It is narcissistic and vicious, and even worse, I sometimes rather enjoy it.

I cannot say that this has existed for all of human history, as I have only seen a sliver of it- but it seems to me that humans love to believe that things are going to change. They often hope that they will change for the better, but lately I hear folks saying a bit more of the contrary. Actually, a lot more to the contrary. They say the world has changed into a bad place- or from a bad place, into a worse one.

I hear talk about society failing and the world running out of safe places left to go. Some people fear radical Islamic extremists, other people fear rising oceans and climate change, while some are just hiding from the bills they have to pay. There are even those who live in constant terror of what happens in their own neighborhoods. You don’t hear many people talking about sunshine and roses these days. It’s doom and gloom, and in case you haven’t heard it on the news, we’re all going to die. And to make matters worse, a spectacle of business man/reality television goon who inherited his rather lavish lifestyle is attempting to become King America. And a good number of folks think that’s a good idea.

But I don’t need to tell you all of that. You already knew that.

What you may not have known is that today was set as my daughter’s due date. So you know, she has not arrived yet. She may be stubborn, like her father who pushed his own arrival on Earth two weeks past his own due date.

Hopefully she doesn’t keep this up for long. Her father already causes her mother enough strife, we don’t need the little one to push that any further.

Not that her mother can’t handle it. She can deal with most anything. I find it very admirable, when I’m not too busy feeling awful about my own lack of comparable courage. I haven’t had a little human growing inside of me, sucking the energy out every day as the spawn grows larger and stronger. Plus, I’ve still been able to have beer and sushi and soft cheeses which makes my issues seem all that much smaller.

So cheers to the mother of my child, she is a better person than most, especially myself, though she may never admit that. In fact, not admitting it, makes it all that more true.

But her and I can both agree, that we would very much like to meet this little human. I personally have a feeling her arrival will help make every thing seem easier. Other than crying in the middle of the night and soiling her diapers. Still, that stuff doesn’t last forever.

But.

Having a child so close to being part of this world, does not put me entirely at ease. It’s much closer to terrifying. Before all of this, I had set my wee little ambitious heart on trying to change the world for the better. Since that young boy set that goal, it seems to have only gotten worse. He didn’t have anything in this life that he needed to rush into action for. Now he does. Now I do.

No, I am not yet a parent but just the impending occurrence has got me to wondering as to why others seem to do as little as possible to make this future better. Again, I don’t know that their efforts exist or not, or in what intensity they do exist, but if people have been making babies since the first people started happening, and those people only want the best for their children- why has everything gone more and more to shit with each passing generation?

Maybe I’m thinking too much, or in the wrong kind of ways, but I would call myself a failure as a human and more importantly, as a parent, if I left this planet worse than when it was given to me. And no, that’s not just an environmental thing for anyone trying to brand me as tree hugging liberal. And no, it’s not because I think Hilary is just a bad a choice for “leader” of this nation as Trump, for those who might want to think of me as some sort of closed minded conservative. I know how you like to operate, internet.

That being said, I do think we should be kinder to the Earth, if we want to make it last and I do think we should apply a little more intense thought and rationale to selecting our elected officials, no matter how angry and fed up we might be. I do think that all lives matter as much as the people living them choose to value theirs and their neighbors. I think anyone who says their god is loving, but also wants you to kill people is not thinking with their own head. I do think we need to try harder and learn more about ourselves and each other- but I don’t think that this is a unique point of view.

It’s easy for me to stand on the internet soapbox and tell you all about my views, but I don’t intend to stop there. The difference is, that I now have someone to live for that means more than anyone else. She will mean more than any friend, family or romantic relationship has and I owe her the best life I can provide. I owe her a future, as do all of you. If you’ve been alive long enough to spend money or vote, you’ve been alive long enough to help make the changes everyone loves to complain about. I’m guilty, but I am now newly motivated.

I opened this post with an explanation of my great lack of perfection. That is because perfection is a myth, and one of the most harmful myths in all the history of man, (and women). No one is perfect, nor is any place or any time. Perfection is stagnant. Progress and regress are all that exist. Things do not stay, they always change. Yet where they change are up to us. Or so it is for us in the third dimension.

So for my little girl, I will try to make progress.

holderness

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Sunday Morning Thoughts 9.25.11

This isn’t working. I couldn’t tell you much about anything right now. I know you can look online and see videos of cops pepper-spraying and getting fairly rowdy with some protestors. The headline of one of the biggest broadcast networks, and by headline I mean the one with the biggest picture on the website, is about a gay Mormon guy. There’s a major newspaper with the main one about car seats or some shit like that.

I’m tired. I’m hoping to be near some sort of massive implosion that will lead to some sort of vast discovery of self and being. At which point, all that was lost will become known, either again or for the first time and so it shall be. At least that hoping. That one thing I suppose there can and will always be. Someone somewhere will always have some sort of insanely furious drive from some sort of inexplicable fire that throws all the heat it can burn.

Which of course, leads me to my next point, though I’m not sure what that is. I’m assuming there has to be some sort of response to all of it. I am tired and am slowly losing my ability to formulate ideas that have any meaning. I just banter sometimes. Just nonsense with no end falling from my mouth and into the air to pinch and annoy all it bounces to. It just becomes rambling sometimes.

But in all honesty, I do feel that I need to keep writing and keep thinking or I may fall asleep at my job and then well there goes that possibly and who knows if it puts you on ice that may or may not be thin on the other end. If you are unsure of what that means, then you may just not be in or out of tune enough to dig it. It’s alright, I guess. You just won’t understand when the revolution comes. And it is coming.

Listen, just hear me out on the one. We are people. If you look at our history, it is essentially people fighting or making deals with other people for like fucking forever. That’s what we’ve learned how to do. But that’s only part of the whole thing. It has been a constant thing, maybe dipping a bit lower over here and a bit higher a few pages later, but consistently happening throughout the centuries and millennia and whatnot. There is something else that happens though.

In between, and sometimes during all the fighting, there are a few people who beat a drum and stand before the drooling beast of inevitably that marches again the will of decency. Disregarding the fact that the sentence before this one took about five minutes to type and that this one only took a few seconds… actually never mind. I spaced out and took another two minutes to finish that last one.

But let’s try and dodge the fluffy shit and just talk, or write rather. We are all amidst things that are much larger than our individual lives. We always are and pretty much always have been, but there are times when it speeds up to make a change. It’s all speeding up, so where’s the change? Want to know what I think is an issue. Not bashing on the president or anything, but you hear change and people always think of him. I did not say they always think goodly or poorly of him, but they think of him just nonetheless. Where the fuck does he get off taking claim for a word like that? A word like that, that’s so big and so powerful that it takes the caliber of man or woman who may or may not have been woven from some sort of golden fabric just to have the potential to wield it. A person who can endure some massive weight from the world. These people have a higher likely hood of having rather short runs at it, with some tripping right into their nice little tombs. Sorry Barry, you’re not just that kind of person but I would worry about it. If you really look at, we had like two or three presidents who actually had that kind of gall and even they had their flaws… you know what I’m talking about Jefferson. And who even knows if they were any type of actually decent person, it all could be lies.

No these people don’t hold office often, they don’t have time to waste in such a fruitless position. Besides, it makes it a lot harder to get the troops rallied. So where is this generation? Where is our age?

I often wonder if I am supposed to do something of that sort, you know? I wonder if I am supposed to be some sort of leader or inspiration or revolutionary or some mad man who turns the world on its head so it can see what it looks like upside down. Do you know, or does it just happen, or do you choose it? How do I know that I even have a choice? Even if I don’t want to, you know? Even if I wanted the life where you just get married or something like that, and a family and a house and a job and a routine and a god and a plan and a quite desolate and silently desperate death? What if I have to do these things because its fate and I will always be distant and always truly and quietly alone?

I have to live on the thrill. I have to move from each moment so gracefully that it seems as though it’s all planned out, because it is.  I have to play the part I was given, and play it at least well enough to be able to trick someone else into thinking its real, because then they might think their fantasy is real. And it spreads until everyone has fallen so heavy into the made up worlds that real is no longer valid. It will change. We will have grown or become useless, obsolete if you will. Either way, change, and I mean real change, is contagious. People have been acting a bit contagious lately, but in different ways for different people. Funny enough, it has a lot to do with money, as most of our problems do. Still there’s and itch or two, but it needs to be cultivated.

But we won’t really know until it’s happened, we just have to make sure that it’s not missed, or at least a few people should see it.