Sunday Morning Thoughts 12.25.11

Yesterday was a holiday so I took one myself. T’was a long day of drinking and merriment with relatives and getting stuff. I got more stuff than I needed but that always happens. Its just how my parents are, they give to their children even it is undeserving. Bless their souls.

Now, now, now what are some thoughts? Boredom is taking over but it’s alright. I’ll be heading to the ridge soon on a little vacation. I ran in the new year there last year and it was rather fun. I can only assume that this one will be just as fun, as Brooklyn always is.

But with this year winding down I suppose it’s only natural to look back on it. I’ll use this week for that and then use the next one for the new year. It’s supposed to be the last year for this planet so I should make a spectacle of it, or so I’m told. As goes with the progression of every year, I’m sure there are many lessons to be learned coming up but I wonder, oh how I wonder what I’ve learned this year. So Brian, what have you learned?

Well… ummm… hmmm… I guess I’ve learned something about myself but I can’t be sure exactly what that is. At least right now I can’t because nothing comes to mind. Well that’s not really true, is it? There are things that come to mind but I don’t want to say them just yet because I don’t think that I have the right thought or the right words to say it. In fact, I don’t know if I can really come up with anything to say that would really work all that well. At least for the moment. So I believe that I’ll put this down, metaphorically because my computer is technically already resting down on my desk, for a few minutes or a few hours. I’ll finish this today but I don’t want to waste a perfectly good edition of Sunday Morning Thoughts by saying silly things or nothing at all, like I am now. So I’ll cease until the next paragraph. Ready? Time warp!!!

I wandered around all day and did nothing to improve this. Time warp to nothing. There I go again forgetting what it was I was going to say and I had thought it so profound. It was probably something about girls or how broke I am or something along those lines. I mean what else there for me to talk about? It’s not as though I have any kind of depth to what I say or even do for that matter.

I’ll get going. I really shouldn’t be so hard on myself over taking time to vegetate. It’s not going to last forever or anywhere near that… it’ll be much more on the shorter side.

But this is just gibberish or nonsense or bullshit or whatever you like to call it. Personally I prefer the term bullshit just for the irony. What do you mean you don’t see the irony? By saying that something is bullshit you are finally and absolutely revealing it for its undeniably evident state which I suppose would just turn it back into bullshit and it would continue from there. I guess I like the escapable idea of bullshit. It warms my heart.

My hope is to escape from the way things are and make them into something that is better. Now whatever the fuck that entails may never be known but shit, it wouldn’t take much to make things better. Now I know that I don’t have it that bad but when speaking in generalities, as I love to do, you start to see that it’s really absurd that we are like we are on this planet.

I don’t know… just more bullshit to toss up on to the pile. Better yet, on top of the heap. A cluttered compilation concisely concealed to trick us but alas the need was not. If you are looking for the guilty, you need only look in a mirror.

I am beyond the point of wasting more of my life. I stare the most crucial parts of my mortality down and I had best not blink. Stars and sirens cry out and I must yell something back.

And the Home of the Whopper

There’s a good amount of people who believe that by this time next year, the world will be coming to an end. This is what I’m writing now as of 2:35am on December 21st 2012. I’m going to read for a bit now and then get some sleep but hang around until I wake up and finish this. Trust me, time will fly. You’ll barely even notice it passing. Goodnight.

Good morning. I told you that it would feel like nothing and I’m sure for you it did. For me, it was slow getting out of bed. It was cold and rainy and dreary and I had weird dreams and to be honest, what was I going to do today? I’m bored and broke and have no ambition. I’m lame.

That’s all I wrote yesterday. I just got up and never came back. Instead, I went to go participate in the grotesque seasonal consumerism. I didn’t do much else with my day and now I risk not coming back to this as I will be getting up again to finish a few tasks that I have to go through, or at the very least should go through like showering and such. I’m supposed to get a haircut… we’ll see. Until then, I bid yee fare thee well. We’ll meet again.

And here I am, returning to you at the turning of the tide. Well, there really is no tide. It’s like a kiddy pool, one that’s been sitting in the sun too long and that is probably at least 1% piss. We wade in it, pretend were swimming all the while it just gets warmer without getting anywhere. This is a stupid metaphor. I’m sorry.

My whole idea with writing was to talk about something larger than myself because to be honest, I’m sick of listening to me complain about myself. There is so much more to complain about, like how every day we all wake up and don’t do everything in our power to make this godforsaken rock we live on better. We just don’t despite the actions we believe we take.

Just look at our country. There’s something terribly wrong with it, isn’t there? If you don’t agree with me then you’re just not seeing it. It’s not anything to do with political party or any nonsense like that which is only there to divide and distract. The United States of America is without a single belief that it’s people live by. Go ahead, try and prove me wrong.

Hardworking? Please, this country as a whole produces nothing but war machines and if we do produce anything else, no one buys it. We have just spent every day since the second world war digging into our big pockets that are only replenished by self creating debt by starting more wars. We make war machines that we paid for with our own imaginary money. And to top that off, we sell our debt. China owns a shit ton, or so I’ve heard. I’m not an economist but I don’t imagine anyone who actually claims to have that title is much of one themselves. We’re a country of C student economists.

Liberty? This is too easy. SOPA. NDAA. PATRIOT Act. The “Occupy” movement was a rather sad and pathetic failure. All those iPhones recording cops pepper spraying and beating people with night sticks and no one did a damn thing. They fucking admitted that the Department of Homeland Security held a conference call with them giving instructions on how specifically how to deal with the protestors, if you can even call them that, so it could all be done within the week. And by they, I mean the mayor’s of 18 major U.S. cities including New York.

If the Stop Online Piracy Act (which is what SOPA stands for) passes you can say goodbye to the internet and hello to a second version of the television. It will take away the most free forum for speech left in this country and all because companies over charged for DVD’s that the American people just got sick of buying. It’s not censoring the internet because that’s an idea that can’t be censored, it can only be destroyed. So it will and despite the heavy amount of effort put in by a relatively small portion of the population which consists mostly of anyone who has ever heard of the Reddit, which will be gone after SOPA.

The National Defense Authorization Act will make everyone on the planet a fucking terrorist which means the U.S. military can do whatever the fuck they want with you. Now I don’t hate on the military because it is supposed to be a nonpolitical, unbiased defense body. Unfortunately the people who tell the military what to do, which would be the government who is then told what to do by whoever pays the most which I can guarantee is not the American people because they are more broke than they know what to do with, those people would like to make an empire because let’s be honest, the resources on the planet are limited and wasted at absurd rates so it’d be best to start conquering everything before that all runs out.

Our political system is a joke and our foreign policy is just plain douche bag material. We are the asshole of the world and most of the American people are too fat or too busy with work or too oblivious to do or say anything about it. We should all be screaming at the top of our lungs at our congress people until they do something. We should stop complaining about the stuff that’s made and start making some shit ourselves. I know I’m not a businessman so I won’t be starting a factory, but I can tell you that the business school at my college is the biggest department so someone there should be able to do fucking something.

I get it though, I do the same thing. Well I think I’d like to be done with that. I will do all that I can which is why I’m writing this. It is my hope that I can be a messenger of some sort. Hell I’ll ever craft a few of my own ideas in the hope that it makes someone who reads it do something that is for the good of the human race. We are in desperate need of help that we can only provide to ourselves. It’s easy to do nothing and let a few evil people with some money and some motivation fuck up everything for the rest of us, but I’m done with taking the easy way out.

Just remember the more people doing something like this… what would this be called? I suppose it’s like pursuing liberty which is just really the idea of living free and for the most part happy because you will never be happy all of the time, at least not in this life. In this life in this body you will always crave something be it food, water, warmth, shelter, sex, companionship or sleep. If you need to poo, which everyone eventually does you’ll have to do that too. The jury is still out on love, but that’s not what this is about. This is about fighting for beliefs, so yes it is about love. All I know is if the world is supposed to end in 365 (there’s an extra day because it’s a leap year), we might as well make it the best damn year of our lives. What the hell else are we going to do?

Sunday Morning Thoughts 12.18.11

Here it is. The moment that I had been anticipating right up until the moment that I made it happen. Look at me wield fate and bend it to my very whim. Thanks Leroy… if that is your real name.

If that didn’t make sense to you, I’m terribly sorry. It made brilliant sense to me. I guess it just sucks to be you. You must be one of those people who cringe at the sight of day. One of those people who can never feel warm. I was there once. Hell, I could still very well still be there and getting worse, but I’ll be damned if I don’t fucking ignore it. Why should I have to sit another day while unfortunate circumstance gets best or the average of me?

It’s cold and bright outside. The air feels like its not moving. It’s phenomenal. I should go outside somewhere today. Go for a walk or a hike or something. I could just wander around rather aimlessly. I should make some music today. I should write more today, but I suppose before I get to any of those things, I’ll have to wrap this up as we now enter my favorite and most feared part of this nonsense.

What do you mean you don’t know what I’m talking about? Come on, it’s in pretty much every single one. This is the part where I’ve caught myself wandering around with words and suddenly realize that I’m many sentences in and have hardly said a damn thing. Now the next part is crucial. This is where I decide where to go. This is when I decide to get into the real meat of this thing and hopefully explore some kind of profound and unheard of thought or idea or concept or perception that has never been seen before and if it has, this is a new way of looking at it, but that’s essentially what the word perception means so I just wasted a shit ton of words. Well, I suppose it was really only more like a few, but now because of this it is a shit ton, possibly approaching super shit ton. That’s enough dodging of the subject for now.

If you look out your window, what do you see? Go ahead and do it. If you’re bored enough to be reading this, get up off your ass and look. I don’t even have to get up myself. I’m sitting next to my window. Always get a window seat. It was one of the first lessons I learned on the school bus. I live in a quiet neighborhood, but you might have just seen a drug deal or a road with cars or a fucking beach, who knows? The point is that is your world. Not just what you see, but everything that there is for you to see. If you can see it, then that is yours. Can you dig it?

But our world isn’t good. People always try to argue that everything is good, but that’s bullshit, for the average part. We are not a people at peace. Most of us are depressed every single day because all we ever know is that we grow up and work and then die. Our souls crave to explore and most of us never do anything like that. Most of us are afraid or told not to or don’t even know how. We live lives that never feel full. Unless you have god but if I could be perfectly honest, if you believe god thinks that this species is really diving into their greater consciousness to further explore the wonders of the universe, please gently, or rapidly remove your head from your own asshole. Just look around. We have such a gift to be able to live here on a nice comfortable planet where things are green and alive and good and we fuck it up for each other and ourselves every day. It’s infuriating and counterproductive and the way it is and has always been as long as I’ve been alive.

So this is my plan. I will pull my head from my own ass. I imagine from there it will just happen. I’ll make it happen but once it starts, I won’t be able to stop. I want to stare down the lights and laugh at them. I want to make the whole system crumble. I want to knock down the walls that block everyone from sight. I want to change this world if I can. They told me in high school I could. That was probably the only thing I ever paid attention to, that and a few other things. Most of the other stuff I already knew or figured out.

One more sentence and I think it will hit, oh there it goes. Over 800 words. It’s the little accomplishments that make the big ones happen.

Dick Jokes for Peace

Here it comes… the impending reality of life and how if I want to make it I have to put my hands up and start fighting. It’s not about trying to pick up the pieces anymore because I won’t be able to hold anything as it were. I need to grab everything I own and run from the burning building before it takes me down the all of those tongues of flame. I have to pack my bag and strap it to my back and get out of here and into that dark, smelly and impossibly beautiful world. I won’t stand to be beaten down or defeated any longer. I will not stand to be chased from the few things that I can love without consequence. I’ve been pushed away or pushed myself away from too many things, and why? For some bullshit level of comfort that has never really existed?

Here’s the deal, today I go to a show and I’ll tell some jokes and we’ll just have to see how well I do. I’ll tell the story about my dad getting stuffed and the time I choked in the mall and a few jokes about my dating life. I can get laughs, I just have to be myself. It’s scary as shit though. I was all nervous the other night, as I was last night, as I am now. This is what I want to do with my life but I can’t forget it’s because I’m good at it. IU can be a comedian, people have told me and believe in me. I don’t even give a shit if I don’t believe in myself because it is no longer about that. It’s too late and now I just have to grab myself by the balls and go. I need to run and live and regret for fun. I can’t chase broken and empty ideas. I can’t want what I can’t have. I just need to want what I know I can have, which could be anything.

And of course I write this now for attention. From you and from myself. I need to hear myself say these things because I’m vain and egotistical and weak and scared. I need to reassure myself because I’m still in the stage that lives in between the all of this. I’m in the process of running away which entails being able to part with anything and possibly everything. I want this life and I want this career. I want to create and perform and display some sort of beautiful idea to anyone who will see it. I don’t want to impose, but I do. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to make you laugh, and I will. In what I say and what I do, I will always be a comic at heart.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 12.11.11

I’m sorry. If you had the week that I’ve had then you’d be like this too. I’m actually surprised that I’m not more dramatic about everything. I’ve been lethargic about it, slow moving and grey. It shouldn’t be that way ever. It should always be grand and full of something. It must always be a show. It just must. That being said let me just read something over and I’ll continue on.

Ok so I get why you were upset, I do. I’m a bit extreme but like I said, my avenues to vent any kind of negative aggression are limited. Or at least I see limitations. If I see them then they must be there, but I assume I could just ignore them. Yet there is hesitation and limitation now. For why? I cannot say but I’m going to struggle on in the hope that I can rise above all of it. I have claimed to be super human on occasion and I would hate to look like a liar. Nobody wants to look like a liar. Nobody wants to look like how we truly are.

Well that’s not true, completely at least. I may just be saying things for the sake of saying things. I shouldn’t do that. Blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

I have my script. I have my notebook. I have my guitar. I have my two feet and they work, which is a plus. I have jazz music. I have a slight hang over. I have cotton mouth and bad breath. I have nothing to do with most of my day.

Now you see that, right there? Why is it that having nothing to do with my day is not the greatest thing that was ever conceived or capable of being conceivable? Once I leave this desk I am free until 7 at which point I’ll just be temporarily confined to my residence. I can do anything. I could go to Manhattan if I wanted, but I should save my money. I do have to eat and I would like to make that venture later. I may have a show coming up. Somewhere in Manhattan eventually, but I need to bring people if I want stage time. If I bring people then the other comics will have more people laughing at their stuff so when I waste whatever amount of time that I might be given, they will be more forgiving. I don’t know if I’d even get any laughs. I have jokes but they’re just scraps really. And it’s been awhile. It’s actually been a long fucking time. It shouldn’t take a superhero a year to do anything.

What am I saying? I can get laughs, all I need is to believe that. And I’ve been mastering ceremonies and events here and there. I was told by this very kind, slightly round woman that I have a career in stand-up and that’s all you need. It doesn’t really matter what a professional says because we are nothing without a crowd. I can feel for the laughs and they’ll happen at least half of the time. I just need one pair of testicles. And people, for what are testicles with no people around to see you use them?

I’ll take this time to invite anyone who will be around New York on the 17th to come to a show that my friend is producing. I’ll find more details and deliver them based upon interest. So if you’d like to come, bring friends. You can even heckle me. Go for it, I could use the practice.

Regardless, Rashid left his iPod with me. It’s fantastic. It’s full of jazz and lectures. And I mean all types of jazz. The man practically chronicles the genre from the start. You know who Benny Waters is? Well you should. I spent three hours in my room talking with him about all of this music, and then we talked about life and women and education and passion and society and everything. He’s a very knowledgeable and very hip dude. I mean hip in the true sense, dig? And the only reason I know him is because I started talking to him when he was fixing the hole in the ceiling on the 10th floor. He’s a facilities guy at my school. He’s got this big grey beard and always wears this cap over his shaved head. He may be the coolest person that I have ever met.

Nina Simone is spectacular. Jimmy Smith and Wes Montgomery and the Duke. There is so much in the world that I have yet to discover. There’s so much you have yet to discover. I guess that’s why I’m so upset. I don’t like to see doors get closed but I can’t help it. I’m bewildered but I’m not shattered. I think that’s the point I was trying to make. Its part of this romantic ideal, you see. How? Well I don’t know exactly how to say such a thing, so I’ll try. My romantic ideal is not specific to relationships or women. You see it has more to do with what Rashid and I talked about yesterday. It’s all for the experience and getting all from it that you can. At least for me.

I had this idea and at first it was terrifying. Actually, I should go back further than that. I had this idea and this was back before I had seen a large part of the world, which I still haven’t but then it was even smaller. I got out there and being young and stupid, which I still am, I made some mistakes. I saw things not for how they were and all that mistake making business and it blew up all around me. So my first big step as a man, I started smoking and moved from there. There was another idea that started at some point before the explosion but the timing is confusing. This idea was scary because it was beyond what my tiny little catholic suburban raised mind could comprehend. So I waited and hesitated and chose wrong and tried to make up for it by being annoying and idiotic and dependant on the whole concept of something that was never even mine, never even real. I’ve grown detached and calloused but I know this is just how life goes.

I meant it when I said I’ve come to terms with my loneliness. I won’t close my mind to not having to be such a way, but I am prepared. Well, I’m not really prepared but I won’t be shocked. It can go anyway from here and I’m trying to brace myself for just that. You don’t have to isolate me, I can do that myself fairly well but if I remember correctly I just wanted to talk because that’s what part of the ideal I still want to believe. 

Harsh

This is probably a terrible idea but if there was ever a point in time that I couldn’t possibly care less, it would be now. I don’t know what I’m going to say or how I’m going to say it. I never do, but I’ve had a goal usually. I’m not some aimless wanderer waiting for you to finally accept me, and if you believed that then you had best listen up sweetheart.

They cut down a bunch of trees outside one of the buildings at my school. I used to sit on the benches underneath them on spring days. It was nice but now they’re gone and I don’t think they’ll be back. I’m not heartbroken because I can’t be. Like most things, I can’t afford it. I know you could say that there are other trees, but it’s never the same. Every tree is different after all.

But that’s all just nonsense. I strive to be more than nonsense but when you’re surrounded by it, the weight of it will slow you and burden you, or me rather. There is a simpler life out there and the masses enjoy it. It based on simple pleasures and mindless occupations and trivial matters. I could do it, I could be part of it and just ride the rest of my life out making sure not to step beyond any lines or boundaries that may or may not be real. I could submit and give up. I could walk away from everything I’ve worked to be at this point because apparently all I’ve been doing is sitting around feeling bad for myself. Maybe that’s how you see me and that’s why you want nothing to do with me, but you are wrong of course.

Do as you please because I’m not going to be able to stop you either way, but if you think I’ve been doing nothing but pouting all this time, you are gravely mistaken my friend. Sure I complain a lot and maybe don’t do as much as I like, but I am a god damn king in my world. I have done more in the past two years than most ever do. People know who I am even if I don’t know them. People believe in me and despite anything I may have ever said, I believe in myself. Even the things I do that I consider effortless, most people can’t do. I’m a fucking superhero, even if you only saw me as Clark Kent.

I was thinking about writing about this idea earlier, but I’m glad I didn’t. It needed time to develop. I have come to terms with my loneliness. I understand I will never be able to shake it and now I feel it more confirmed. It’s fine. I was never destined to have that sort of stuff. I doubt I’ll really be in love with any person and if I do, I’m sure it will end someday. I don’t imagine getting married or starting a family. It’s not a depressing thing, you have to understand. It’s just who I am. I am in a class of people that most are not. I am one of those people who will never be truly happy and it is in that idea of perpetual pursuit of something that I do not yet and may never understand is the closest to happiness I will ever get. These memories may or may not fade but I can’t stop regardless. I can’t relive anything no matter what desire tells me.

Either way, I’ll deem it your loss. You can go out and be happy and young and all those things. You can get married and live in your nice little dream house with the cobble stone driveway. You can die believing you had done the best you could. Just know that I’ll do better.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 12.4.11

I want to say something sincere, but that is harder than you would think. It’s easier to feel something sincere but to put that into word can be just fucking impossible. I guess it’s because the feeling just happens. Explanations are tricky and stupid and often times unnecessary. We would be best to just rid ourselves of them all together, explanations that is.

But to be honest, I may be a bit too tired and a bit too hung over to go on changing the world. Well, just for now that is. I’ll instead focus all of my energy and intention into doing that thing that I was just saying was less than easy to do. Why? Well, it’d be best if that question wasn’t asked I’m sure. You can ask but I’m not sure on the chance of getting an answer. Feel free to check the sound waves just the same.

So… something sincere. Hahahaha, does that count? I mean I did just smile and giggle to myself as I wrote that one. I wish there was a three letter anagram to encompass the idea of giggling audibly to one’s self. Here’s to hoping. But the words that I want to come forth haven’t quite yet. That’s the problem with coming up with one sentence in my head a few minutes before this and then thinking a damn book can be made from that. Technically I suppose you could, it would just be small. Or short, rather. Unless you spread it out, maybe a word or hell even a letter to each page. That’s give you like…. Fifty pages? Let me check.

Wow… 59. Yes, I just went through and counted how many letters are in that first sentence. Go ahead, count it yourself. Actually, I did it rather fast and I have been known to not pay attention, especially when I’m actually doing something. I would have been terrible working as a lumberjack. So it may be off by a few.

At some point in the construction of that last paragraph, it fell upon me again. You know, that something I wanted to talk about. I’m glad I remembered. It has to do with the dream I had not last night, but the night before. I don’t remember my dream for last night. It’s strange, but it seemed to have an impact on me. Let me just set the scene for you. I’m in Disney Land or World of all fucking places except it was in my dream, so it was a very dimly lit Disney Place. That’s something strange about my dreams that I’ve never realized. Many of them are dark, in the literal sense as in it is difficult to see due to absence of light, but not complete absence. So we’ll say, the lateness of light.

Anyway, I was in Disneystan with my family, so after arguing I think a bar was found and we were at it. I wasn’t allowed to drink, but there was some sort of entertainment but it wasn’t very good. Somehow, some way, I got the chance to say something funny that people heard and laughed at. I’ve done this before, just at the Daily Show. I semi argued with the warm up comedian. I got him too. He had picked me out because I was being a tad obnoxious which I deem understandable, as he was doing his crowd work. He guessed my major and said his wife worked in a museum and then moved on. Later he was talking to a blonde young bimbo-ish woman and asked her if she was married. So I yelled out, “Well he is” and the entire audience within range of my voice laughed. I was proud.

The same sort of thing happen, only this was much cornier. That is because in this made up dimly lit audience, sat Jerry Seinfeld. Even in my dreams the clichés find me. But Mr. Seinfeld was laughing too and gave me a thumbs up or something like that, so I got ballsy and walked over to him to shake his hand and introduce myself. We started talking and he took me to him luxurious dimly lit Disney bar and we drank and talked and he gave me advice, none of which I remember and we kept getting interrupted by other people and then I woke up.

I guess that’s sincere. It certainly made this whole thing a lot longer, but I still feel as I have more to write and if that’s happening I had be not waste it. I don’t imagine Jerry would be happy to see me failing to live up to my potential or expectations or anything like that. To be honest though, fuck your expectations of me. They’re just about as stupid and as useless and as inconvenient as explanations. I will not live my life based on what people think I should do. I know what I want and need to and there are no things that will stop me. I may not say it or show it but it is always there, the tiny little fire that is my unwavering confidence in myself above anything else. I am my own god. Call it blasphemy or arrogance but no words you throw at it will make it untrue.

Some kid getting his ID at the desk was being a complete jerk off just not. No sense of humor. I can’t understand how people go through life like that. It’s insanity. And some people are afraid to laugh, or get nervous about things. So do i. It’s not worth it. We get upset but that isn’t worth it either. The history of man is filled with people just trying to make other people sad or discomforted or dead because that’s how they feel. It should be the other way.

I am a man. I do these terrible things. It’s just something that has always been done and all that can be done now about it is not concern ourselves as much with it. I don’t mean to do all these things but they will happen. I’m sorry that I’m not perfect but there exists no such man and if there did you’d be bored with him I can guarantee. I don’t want you to ever be upset over me, even if I do terrible things. If I’m not doing something good for you, then just ignore me. Trust me, I’m not worth it. You have all this time to be young and beautiful and free so be all of that. Don’t let anyone, me least of all, fuck anything up for you because people will always try without even trying.

I will die a happy man if I burst out of bed full of life until I can no longer. You should do the same. We all should. Now everyone do the Pat and let’s get weird.