Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.20.13

This fuzz, this persistent haze around all of my mind has been infuriatingly ignorable. That is unless I am searching for depth and adventure into life, it is then that I always seem to be falling short and the prophesized fuzzy haze wraps around my senses. I am left with bewilderment and a taste in my mouth that only hints at the days that have been. The perpetuation of this mind shattering occurrence is only brought on by myself, of course. I never did learn how to juggle.

Yet still, here I am and there you are. There is something in there that wants out. I have denied this repeatedly, yet it is sure of announcing itself. There is strife and although it cannot be indentified or categorized, it is there nonetheless. I am constantly concerned about conundrums that are caused by confined bits of history that I’ve had no part in creating. I should be a victim of circumstance but I am refusing to be a victim.

The issue is that as I swing back into the life I’ve had, I’m being to understand that it will soon be something that is not what it seems. Or better yet, it will be set differently and the plot will twist and change more in unpredictable ways. Until they pass, then I will say out loud that I had seen them coming, that I knew, that I’ve always known. What a fool I can be.

As foolish as my tendencies are, I will not relinquish my desire to continue kicking ass. You have to look more at the big picture, and by you, I mean me. I struggle now because I want to. I want to hold on to my youthful student days as they slip past my fingers. I want to keep fighting for love that doesn’t exist. I want to be the underdog, the nice guy and the hopeless romantic. I want so much future ahead of me and no past behind. For now.

The problem comes in knowing that these things must go. Perhaps that is a tad bit extreme, but they certainly have change state. They need to move, as I am moving and what keeps up will keep up. Everything else can live in my memory forever, for me to ignore until I am old and dying. Well, I’m already dying. We all are. Some just have more certain rates or times.

photo (12)

Regardless, we march forward and the stupidity of former thoughts and the inaccuracy for past feelings will be repeated, as will the process I currently engage in. A slight twist in perspective and suddenly nothing matters. I could be upset about what I know, but there is no point. There are always other things that I do not know that would only make me more furious, so this temporary ignorance will be accepted as gift. I will come to know these things more and more. I will learn death more than I already know. I will know heartbreak stronger and more deceptive forms of attraction that we’ll call love. I will know fame and possible fortune and learn to hate them both. I will learn all this and know it. But for now, I hold on to these fleeting moments as I have the time to play a bit more.

I could apologize, but I’m not sorry. I declare good intentions are enough to make up for the level of my wrong doing. I have only now seen the line, and it is miles away. Someday my callous will overcome but for now, I laugh, I eat, I sing and I drink. I spend my Sunday hungover and lost in thought and I don’t imagine I’d like it any other way.

Cheers to beautiful women, good conversation and strong beer. Boo to all else.

photo (11)


Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.13.13: Response to Protesting Rights Violations on Social Media

Should there be an agenda for all this? I’ve never been a fan of too much structure. Or poorly planned structure. I suppose if it’s designed to adapt, it wouldn’t be bad to have something like that going on. Still, I don’t think agenda’s in their very design allow for much relief from rigidness. That and creators of said agendas are always quick to anger when things go against their plan.

I dig where it comes from though. Here was their neat little plan for how they would sculpt their future, all dressed up and divine, and in comes the rest of us humans, spitting and shitting on everything we can. Or so it would appear from that perspective. Or my perspective.

So we’ll abandon the idea of any kind of plan for this moment and indefinitely into the future. I’m shit at making plans anyway.

I find it rather incredible, this life thing, and please remove the idea that word always means a good things. Don’t think it is all bad either. It just is, despite my inability to understand why.

And to further prove that I’m terrible at planning, it is now Tuesday as I write this but that has provided me with a topic of discussion. I thought several times about posting some statement to quell the anger of those outraged over gun control measures on one of my social media venues. Then I thought a bit more and realized that I would rather speak here.

So Governor Andrew Cuomo of this great state of New York and the NY legislature passed a new gun control law and the claims of unconstitutionality have been echoing across my Facebook feed. To those people I would like to ask, why you now care about the Constitution? Because you think the government wants to take your guns and now you can’t protect yourself from tyranny? Because we are going into a new kind of socialistic dictatorship that will leave us powerless to defend ourselves? Because guns are the only thing that keeps us safe from the crazies of the world?

With all due respect, fucking blow me. Don’t bother getting mad now because this Constitution you claim you care so much about is nothing more than a piece of paper for the fat-cat owners of this country to wipe their asses with. I’m sure you’d like some examples. You’ve got it slick.

We’ll start with the big one. Numero Uno of the Bill of Rights states that we have freedom of press. So why is that we rank 47th globally in freedom of press? We’re on the same level as Romania and Argentina. Mali is ranked higher than us. Look it up if you don’t believe me, I’ll wait.

Done? Excellent. We’ll leave that one for now because I could go on about that for much, much, much longer. Next on the list, we’ll head over to the 4th Amendment which guarantees our privacy and protection from illegal search and seizure.

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha… hahahahahahaha… hahahahahahaha…


I’m sure the computer program designed to monitor this very blog site is laughing right along with me. Two words friends: PATRIOT Act. That constitutional right is long gone.

Next up. Mr. Bradley Manning, who has been imprisoned for over 1,000 days now, which is almost 10 times longer than is usually expected to be maximum waiting time for a trial. And if you want to say he would be under the laws of the military, the Uniform Code of Military Justice says in Section 813, article 13, that there will be “no punishment before trial.” Deny it if you’d like, but he has certainly been punished for doing what he saw as truly just. And I, and many other agree with him.

That’s just a few of an absurd amount of unconstitutional actions taken way before people complained about losing their 2nd amendment rights which they still really haven’t. I don’t know how many of you have shot a gun, but I know I have. I also don’t know how many of you have seen a dying human, but I know I have.

I do know that assault weapons are defined in their name. They are not for hunting, or for protection. They are for assaulting. They are designed to tear through as much flesh as possible. They kill and do not require much skill in accuracy. They shoot as many bullets as fast as they can. They are literally killing machines.

And if you are worried about the government using force to control you, fret not. You didn’t stand a chance even with your machine guns. They have tanks, ships, jets, helicopters and bombs of all sorts of destructive power. And the best yet, drones which can be controlled from miles away and reign fire down from the heavens.

But you’re right, guns are not the problem. We are. The reason there are so many shootings, including a new one that happened today has to do with us. We are taught violence and aggression since being children.

I read something today, about one of those mothers who lost their child in Sandy Hook Elementary school. She described what happened to her son, as she saw his body or what was left of it. His jaw was blown off his face and most of his left hand was gone. She didn’t want people to think that “these little angels just went to heaven.” They were slaughtered in a place they were supposed to be safe in.

Guns are for killing and we like to kill. We have games about it and our films glorify it. We stupidly and ignorantly threaten that we are going to kill this person or that person. They just gave awards to people who made a movie about how we defied our own supposed values and hunted down a man to bring him what we called justice. We put the Nazi’s on trial and they killed millions. That Bin Laden fellow was responsible for a few thousand and did not get such justice.

Say what you want and get as mad as you want, you’ll only end up proving my point. I’m on the side of peace which very well may be the death of me someday.

Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.6.13: Species Survival for Apocalyptic Circumstance

Hark and hear the call, ladies and gents, because we are reaching those breaking points with each unrequested march forward. Now dig, I’m a big fan of endless reflection of the past but we can no longer afford such things. I’d like to say if I could go back, I would and if I could pick where I’d like to go to, I’d know where. Imagination plagues me with the wonder of what might have been in so many instances and yet I know that just couldn’t be.

For you see, mistakes are only a matter of perspective and if you allow them to be seen as such, they most certainly will. I could whine on and on and on and on and on and on and on, forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever until time ends or something of the sort but if I recall correctly, which all my time thinking about the past suggests that I might, every time I’ve missed something it was because I was too busy staring, or crying, or groaning and moaning about some other bellyache that no longer means that much to me.

I’ve had this habit, or addiction, or illness, or whatever term you’d like to describe my talking out loud and imagining what conversations with certain people may go like, in fictionalized circumstances and I can tell you that my words always fall short. Now if my own fantasy seems to be at odds with myself, what am I left with? My dreams have been strange and dark and uncomfortable for a long time and I guess if Freud were here, he would wipe the white powder from his nose and say that is how they are intended to be.

Sigmund can suck an egg. I don’t trust people who do blow regularly anyway. They are always just looking for their next fix. You can hardly even trust stoners these days and they used to be such a reliable breed.


Yet that persistent ticking continues on as I listen to the compositions of yet another dead man. He lives on, as I while away the hours with an unfinished novel and a half empty soul. It may be temporary and I know that the state of the novel certainly is. The soul I’m not as sure about, as one of the big portions missing is that bit about being in love. That whole thing that was supposed to happen for people when they were young, for me has only been spread out in many short, but quite fantastic glimpses and greedy ol’ Brian just wanted more.

But with that persistent ticking of the clock that dwells in my mind, I suggest we look a bit at the present before we dive into ideas about the future. The past is dead. So it goes.

We’ll start with the news. Congress doesn’t care about the people who elected them but is relentless in their support of those who pay the larger portion of their salary. You know, all of those giant companies that keep us convinced of our industrial age shackles.

Small town rapists are fighting against cyber vigilantes, while some radio host in Ohio claims that gay rights are leading to the untimely death of children. It’s ok though, because you can buy your little guy his very own toy Predator UAV just like the ones that kill innocent people over in Pakistan, including children!

And that’s just domestically. Across the rock, you can see that women are either being raped, beaten or beheaded in India, Afghanistan and Pakistan, to name a few.

The Syrian President had a speech where he said he is seeking an end to the civil war over there through… that’s right, more war. Radioactive waste was dumped into rivers over in Japan when all those reactors had those problems a little while back and there are massive protests against the government in Iraq.

Although this be grim stuff, you have to understand that it’s all your fault. Fret not, it’s mine too. It’s all of ours because you see, we as humans, as siblings of the same species, have failed to work together when and where it matters most. We fight and argue over things that really don’t matter while we waste our tremendous abilities on making stupid phones that help governments spy on people and cars that still pour filth into the air, cooking us all slowly.

We have the means to harvest enough energy to blow this rock up so many fucking times over and yet have a global energy crisis. Can someone please fucking explain that to me because my feeble mind just can’t seem to understand how that works?


Well, if you’ve made it this far, congratulations. You are now marching forward into the great unknown of the future. So come and take my hand and we shall skip into the dark unknown eternity until we can no longer muster the strength to skip. At which point, we will walk.

The future is an illusion of sorts, as we are constantly looking for it and yet only find the present. I know when I expect things to happen, they usually don’t. Unless they are things that I don’t want to happen, then they usually do. You should ask me to bet on horses and pick everything that I don’t, you’ll be rich. But that is not the point, nor a concern of mine. I have come to some sort of terms with the chaos that engulfs events and will no longer let it plague me.

The goal from here is fairly consistent with the ones of the past. In fact, it really hasn’t changed at all. Only the conditions have changed and even those tweaks have been only slightly monstrous.

The goal, and you should feel free to join in with this, is to make tomorrow ever better than today. But not for myself, or yourself, if you are taking the oath. You, and when I say you I mean I, have to spend every effort we can muster making the world a better place for everyone. If you feel the need to include yourself in that, go ahead. The only condition is that you not limit to yourself.

Now would be good for me to clear a few things up about this. I’m not expecting utopia, especially not in my lifetime. You could call it one of those things I’m doing for myself. I don’t want to live in a perfect world. Heaven is boring. I’m not a hippie, nor a complete beatnik. Unfortunately, Kerouac was bumming around in much better economic conditions than today, it being the start of America’s great leap into false prosperity. I’m an idealist but have been disappointed enough to know what is possible from where we stand.

I should also stress that I’m not really talking about political reform, as that can only be a product of ourselves in this nation. All of us are responsible but the older you are, the greater the guilt. I know my generation hasn’t been around long enough to make too many profound decisions, though I must say we are fucking up on the ones that we do. Reality TV? Really people? Get a fucking grip.

I and you and he and she and we and they need to start changing the way we think. We need to stop thinking that we need to step on others to succeed and that some people are better than others. We all crawled from the same swamp not that long ago. We need to start looking around at our world and wondering what’s going on. We should care about each actions we make, and the words that we use. We should stop being so sensitive to nonsense and quit being so numb to the things that matter. We need to grown the fuck up.


But hey, I’m young and according to the counseling center, very privileged. What could I know right?