Sunday Morning Thoughts 2.12.12

I will do this rapidly and hopefully effectively as my mind is growing tired but alas I am forced to stay awake for 19 more minutes as that is the time when my laundry will be done. So here it is again, just you and I and the electrically impulses that create thought and that’s all I’ve ever known. I’m not trying to say that I know anything about it though. That would be absurd and one of the worst lies I have ever told. Actually, that last one is the worst lie I’ve ever told. Or perhaps was it the line just before this one that was the lie. I beg your pardon, but it has been so long that the lies all become the truth and the truth is not even anything to be remotely considered.

But let me claim now that today was a day of justice and vengeance as was last night and if you can’t see that, then you haven’t been near me and if you have been near me, your perception must be beyond something that would even be close enough to immaculate as it is not close to mine. You see, I’ve begun to convince myself of this legend of myself in order to get from some point that I couldn’t afford to be at anymore to a point where abandonment finally comes in. I won’t pretend like I know when that is, especially since you don’t even want my attention.

Yet I get asked for it so many more times that I remember being used to because when we all think back, we fall on this idea that was held at some point that stands in the empty heavens of what is the capability of the human mind and the human soul, to whoever has one of those dinosaur pieces of technology. I don’t know if you noticed but I wish and prayed that I were in charge of something, even if it were an idea.

Now I wrote that a few days ago, I assume. I don’t actually know because my computer died and I was able to recover this document. I’m going to guess that it was the start of that weekly nonsense I type up but it is now Thursday and it has been far too long of a week to know for sure what the intent was with that. I will say it did sound nice as I read it, even thought my mindset of that moment is lost forever to the vacuum of time. This means I will have to start fresh but I didn’t want to toss away all those other words. They may make sense at some point, even if it’s not for me.

Today was long, as Thursdays are. Tomorrow is Friday. I get paid on Friday but what is money anyway? It’s valueless if you measure it by any truly human standards but here I am without any and upset because of it. It just gets me things but paper doesn’t really mean anything.

I’ve been successful lately. I’ve been happy lately. I don’t know how I feel about it. Maybe that sounds like madness and maybe it is but I still here at my desk and I want more but of what I cannot say. I still have many things to do but I’d like to keep dodging them. I can’t of course, on the count of my curse. I am expected to do so much for these people in my life and yet all I want to do is run off for a week to the middle of nowhere with whiskey and my guitar. Irony would have it that I spent my youth trying to get so involved in everything and now that I’m here, there’s a part of me that wants out.

I won’t go or at least not yet. I need to do a lot more before I can allow myself to abandon everything. The way I look at it, in order for this big dash to the hills to really have impact, I have to become an even more substantial figure in this world. It’s mostly ego and by mostly, I mean entirely. However there would be some positive consequence. If anyone wonders where I go, they might think a little more about their own lives. I can’t say if that will actually help them at all but it does hold the possibility.

Either way, there is much more for me to tackle before I run off to die. Like love which is the most terrifying thing to me, though I may never admit it out loud. I don’t know what it is and any idea I have of it is dark and skewed which I imagine is not what you’re supposed think of it.

I do have the love of many good friends and the love of my family although both are far from the ideals that they are supposed to live up to but I suppose that makes it even more true. I suppose my issue is with intimacy. Either way, it’s my cross to bear, as is said by men. I will continue to trudge along dressed like a history professor dragging on the occasionally Marlboro. It’s an image thing really.

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