A Guy Who Fights Too Much and Fucks Too Much

I’m debating if I should just let my buzz fall away, or if I should reinvigorate it. I could and to be honest, I won’t be able to again until I go back to school. White people problems.

That’s all there seems to be now. Trivial little nothing problems, only I don’t think of them as nothing. I think of them as these huge plaguing things that are impassable, but they’re not even there. They’re not even real, none of it is. It’s all just made up. I made it up. You are part of my creation. I do hope you understand that. Despite all the power you think you wield. It’s all within my control. I just don’t know how yet.

It’s a bummer not knowing stuff. I honestly don’t know how people do it. See! There I go again! Not knowing stuff and saying it’s someone else. I don’t know anything because there isn’t anything to know. It’d be something though… to explain why I can think so much of so little. To figure out why this life is lived the way it is and it’s unchangeable and unyielding. It’s not. I could change everything. So could you. We all could, we just don’t. We never do. Even the things that we think we change, we don’t. I doubt there are many of this species who have seen change that completely defies everything that is and makes it into what is not. The list may be limited to those who were ever killed by a nuclear bomb. Now I know that seems like a lot of people, but compared to 7 billion it’s nothing and that’s only the people that are alive today. There are thousands of years before that and they all died, but they still count towards this. It’s not about currency, it’s about longevity.

Still, I’m not changing the world at all. At least not at the moment or maybe I am. I may very well be doing such a thing and am just dumb to it. I’m dumb to many things. As are you. As we all are. We are pretty dumb for the most part. There’s a few sparks here and there but beside that it’s a lot of nothing, just like the sun. Just like the planets and stardust and black holes and old ladies playing solitaire and some kid crying and somebody getting laid and someone dying and someone being born and someone being in love and someone getting drunk and someone driving somewhere and the guy delivers papers before anyone else is even up and the guy who is actually up and sitting on his front stoop smoking a cigarette watching the guy deliver papers but remains unseen because of how unlikely that it is that he is there now. It’s all really unlikely. It’s unlikely that I ever met you. It’s unlikely that I haven’t met anyone else. Actually, that is a bit probable considering that I’ve been working on keeping that way for one sixth of a dozen cycles around the sun but hey, I’m not a quitter.

I say that but it’s a lie. I’m very much a quitter except of course stupid habits. I can’t quit smoking cigarettes, for example. I commit to, how should I put this, negative things? I can’t be certain if that’s the word but I like it a lot better than unhealthy. People would look down on me if I said my habits were unhealthy. Don’t get me wrong, they are extremely unhealthy but I’ll do them just the same and would like to not have to feel bad about them. I’d rather feel bad about other things. Things I shouldn’t feel bad about, ya know? What can I say? I guess I’m a rebel.

I think my parents are in bed, so I’m going to go investigate the beverage situation. I’ll be right back.

Only beer. But it is good beer, but then again, what beer isn’t good? Well grains and hops and barley aside, I’ll get back to where I was. Which was?

Oh yes! Nowhere. I can’t be anywhere because there is only nothing. Silly me. Well I don’t want people to start getting the wrong idea about this whole nothing thing. I don’t want you to think that I find life meaningless, although I do sometimes. Nothing isn’t a bad thing, do you know what I mean? Here, let me put it to you like this. If everything there is winds up to be only nothing, then we’re all free. Nothing is holding us back. Nothing is slowing us down and nothing is in our way. Sure we can all come up with examples where there are things in your way, but that’s only if you see those things. You can choose to see damn well anything that you’d like to see. It really is that simple and you are really that powerful. At least I am, or I could be.

Right now, I’m not so much powerful as I am distracted. I can’t focus on anything. I guess I should try to focus on nothing. That may prove to be a better use of my time. Like just there, I didn’t do anything but stroked my stupid little beard for a bit. Then I rubbed my hands together. All of this while I could be typing. I guess I fear that this is going nowhere, but I should hope that it’s going nowhere. I can’t set these expectations, not because I could be disappointed, but because then I’m closed. I set my mind on this one thing and I can’t see the mind fucking boggling number of other things that are going on, or could go on. So much that could be is ignored and so much that is waste is worshiped. It’s insanity.

Actually I guess it’s closer to sanity. It’s really a crutch… sanity. It doesn’t do much and just limits you to this thin little track of life. You’re sane so you have to do this and do that and follow the path, but what other way is there. You’re outnumbered and if you step to far out of line. You’ll either get tossed back in or be removed completely from the list. The only way to beat it is to succumb to it. It’s tricky but it can only be temporary with the thought in your head the entire time of this master scheme that you need to come to fruition because everyone needs it. Bear the burden while waiting for your chance to step forth from the masses and emerge as the savior who will bring this big and bright and beautiful change to the entire populous.

But I’m just a dreamer. I dream all day and get nothing done. I dream all day and yet you’ll say nothing to me. I’m hoping that I stop caring, but that may be a ways away.