It’s been awhile. There was a problem for about two months and by this point probably more, about how to start such a thing as this. And as time passed is became more and more difficult to figure how to start this thought experiment up again. I pondered with apologies and explanations but that is all a load of s%&t. And if I may be frank, I’m quite tired of all the s%&t.
What we will do tonight (ignore the title of this being in the morning as I am a notorious liar) is explore ideas. At least I’ll explore ideas that live within my head and you will either have the pleasure or displeasure of reading them. That is up to you. This part that is to follow is up to me. If you don’t like it, tell me. If you don’t want to tell me, kiss my ass. If you don’t want to kiss my ass, then f&@k off. If you don’t want to f&@k off, then I don’t know what to do for you.
But ideas. Yes! What a grand proposition indeed. I suppose we’ll start with my ideas and we will almost definitely end in the same place. So we exist… or rather, I exist. I really can’t confirm that you do but I am nearly half certain that I do. And in this existence of mine, I have sat around and stood up and paced about, thinking all the damn time about whether what I have come up with will be considered to be nothing by those who come after me. And in a way, I suppose that is my gift to them. The wonder of writing something that took thought is that someone someday will try and prove me wrong. I hope they do.
So back to the point of existence and all the quandaries that come with it. Through half witted observation, the narrator of what you now read has come to realize, in a wonderfully naive way, that this life is clay meant for sculpting. You may not believe it and I may not even believe it myself, but as far as I’ve seen, this world is moldable. At least for some of us. And within this mold we can perceive and shape what we would like our destines to be. This may only be an illusion or it may only be something that a small portion of the species may come to know, but I will argue it as though it were a truth. If it helps you to understand better, make me into a religious leader in your mind. It works because as with most religious leaders, I see the whole thing as a hogwash scam.
The problem may have been that I have thought, all this time, that I am much wiser than I actually am. But to make that a bad thing would imply that wisdom is a good thing. So allow me to refute that idea right now. Wisdom is a point of view forged over layers of patterned experience. Wisdom is really much more like a heavily reinforced ignorance. Those who would be deemed wise often can’t see beyond their own wisdom. As I cannot see beyond my own, or if I do, I’m most certainly missing many of the important bits. So for the purpose of this exercise, let’s toss the idea of wisdom out of the window. Not before I snatch out the important parts that are associated with the idea of wisdom.
A truly wise man will always tell you that he knows nothing, just the same as a wise woman telling you she knows just as little. And through all of these 16 years of schooling, I have come to believe that I may hold at least the potential for wisdom. The truth, if there is such a horrible thing as the truth, is that we are at our most wise when we first fall from our mother’s twat, screaming and scavenging the world for understanding. When know nothing but the constant search for the feeling of warmth, is when we understand our existence the best. You see, despite all that we (or at least I) like to believe that we know, we really know nothing outside our own existence. We are just barely as a species coming to realize that maybe we are not the greatest creation of the universe. We in very small numbers are starting to see that our god is a c&*t because we created him. In the Christian faith, we are made in the image of god. When really, god is only in our image because it is personification of nature and in order to personify someone, you have to make them a person.
But I grow weary on such discussion, and as narrator, I have the power to change it. And as a selfish being, I will turn the topic over to myself. I’ll keep it vague though, so you can apply any of this that you’d like to yourself.
I still, and perhaps quite foolishly, believe that I am meant to do something in this world that I live that will take it from the horrendous condition it’s in and bring it to at least a slightly better standing. It may just be that the belief of being able to do something is enough to be able to do it. Or maybe, because I am still quite young, that I have been lucky and sooner or later life (as the kids call it) will beat me to pulp. Afterwards, I will be left blank and battered, staring out towards stars that may not even be anymore and find that none of the questions I have brewed have any kind of answer, nor will they ever. Maybe the questions themselves are the fabrication. Maybe we are the fabrication. Perhaps I myself may be a total figment of the imagination of some other being that goes by some other name just waiting to wake and join the world that is consistent enough to be deemed real.
I suppose that when I break it all down, that if this is a fantasy, it is mine. And I shall do with it what I want. I will also, if the power exists inside me, strive to let others be as free as I hope someday to be. Either way, I know nothing and if there will ever be a point that I know anything, it will be the last thought that I ever have. I don’t know when that will be and hopefully you don’t either but more than anything else, you can trust that this ride will come to an end. It could be violent, or it could be peaceful. It could be smooth and effortless, or it could be painful and heartbreaking.
Regardless, this won’t be the last that you hear from me. The very least I could do, is to give you something to refuse to protect yourself. So if you see the need, refuse both my word and I. If you’d like to hold on to them, give them whatever value you see as fit. Either way, I’ll never know.