Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.20.13

This fuzz, this persistent haze around all of my mind has been infuriatingly ignorable. That is unless I am searching for depth and adventure into life, it is then that I always seem to be falling short and the prophesized fuzzy haze wraps around my senses. I am left with bewilderment and a taste in my mouth that only hints at the days that have been. The perpetuation of this mind shattering occurrence is only brought on by myself, of course. I never did learn how to juggle.

Yet still, here I am and there you are. There is something in there that wants out. I have denied this repeatedly, yet it is sure of announcing itself. There is strife and although it cannot be indentified or categorized, it is there nonetheless. I am constantly concerned about conundrums that are caused by confined bits of history that I’ve had no part in creating. I should be a victim of circumstance but I am refusing to be a victim.

The issue is that as I swing back into the life I’ve had, I’m being to understand that it will soon be something that is not what it seems. Or better yet, it will be set differently and the plot will twist and change more in unpredictable ways. Until they pass, then I will say out loud that I had seen them coming, that I knew, that I’ve always known. What a fool I can be.

As foolish as my tendencies are, I will not relinquish my desire to continue kicking ass. You have to look more at the big picture, and by you, I mean me. I struggle now because I want to. I want to hold on to my youthful student days as they slip past my fingers. I want to keep fighting for love that doesn’t exist. I want to be the underdog, the nice guy and the hopeless romantic. I want so much future ahead of me and no past behind. For now.

The problem comes in knowing that these things must go. Perhaps that is a tad bit extreme, but they certainly have change state. They need to move, as I am moving and what keeps up will keep up. Everything else can live in my memory forever, for me to ignore until I am old and dying. Well, I’m already dying. We all are. Some just have more certain rates or times.

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Regardless, we march forward and the stupidity of former thoughts and the inaccuracy for past feelings will be repeated, as will the process I currently engage in. A slight twist in perspective and suddenly nothing matters. I could be upset about what I know, but there is no point. There are always other things that I do not know that would only make me more furious, so this temporary ignorance will be accepted as gift. I will come to know these things more and more. I will learn death more than I already know. I will know heartbreak stronger and more deceptive forms of attraction that we’ll call love. I will know fame and possible fortune and learn to hate them both. I will learn all this and know it. But for now, I hold on to these fleeting moments as I have the time to play a bit more.

I could apologize, but I’m not sorry. I declare good intentions are enough to make up for the level of my wrong doing. I have only now seen the line, and it is miles away. Someday my callous will overcome but for now, I laugh, I eat, I sing and I drink. I spend my Sunday hungover and lost in thought and I don’t imagine I’d like it any other way.

Cheers to beautiful women, good conversation and strong beer. Boo to all else.

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