It’s raining in December. I wish it was snowing but it is not. It may be the end of the world, or it might not. Either way, the issue lies in the hole in the bottom of my shoe. I’ve had them since high school but I’ve always had an issue with letting things go. Well, only certain things I suppose. I can let the rest go without a thought. Some sort of distorted value system.
I sit here and soberly stare away at my dying world and only such a small amount of my own fault is at play. That of course, is a lie. I am no saint but am all powerful and therefore all things that go awry are my responsibility. I’ve gotten so good at it that I can hardly notice when I even cause such catastrophes. You think there’d been more guilt but there isn’t. I’ve fallen asleep again and woke up alone, just as intended.
It’s hard to say because I haven’t had but one cigarette today and my addiction is convincing me that I need such things for thought. It will fade and soon. At least, I hope it will be soon.
Hope and wishing, there I go again. I claim all these bold words against such weak propositions and yet here I am, whining about them. And in my own typical fashion, suggest the faults belong to the very same world that I say I have control over. I need to pick a side, or an argument, or story. I need to begin the grand exploitation of my own self, and mind, and abilities to wield the means to discovery of a greater truth. I need to take a look at myself for one last time and walk out the door towards the future that is only as bright as I want to make it.
Not that my intention simply changes it. I need to work at it. I need to plan, and scheme, and act, and perform, and convince all of you that this as it is, can not be as it were any longer.
I know it may seem tough to you, but that is only how it seems. The world is busy trying to convey this message to you that you have no choice but to adhere to. You are weak and powerless against the tide of things. You as a person, do not have the means to make change, let alone anything to be considered great. You are unable to be what you want, or think what you want, or feel what you want. You are owned by something that your mind couldn’t even begin to comprehend without removing years of observation that has been cleverly disguised as wisdom.
You’ll have to forgive me. I haven’t even been able to watch the regular shit they shuck out on the news because of this whole Connecticut business, which only precedes the whole Oregon mall business by a few days. So that is all I’ve seen for the last few days and pardon me for being numb, but I am. This only a tragedy because it happened in Connecticut and that is not me being insensitive. Anyone who follows the news sees people die in larger numbers every day. 40,000 dead in Syria and few tears have been shed in the land of the free. Don’t worry, there were plenty of kids involved in that. Over 500 they reckon are dead and about 400 have been tortured for information. Statistically, it doesn’t add up.
But let me not let my cynicism take over because I’d like to hold on to whatever foolish bits of optimism I am capable of, if such a thing could even be real. I could talk about the wonderful privilege he that I have being able to grow up at the fattest levels of decadence of the largest empire the world has ever known. We could talk about how so very few things in my life are truly dire or tragic and yet I treat every little hiccup as the end of days, or at least seemingly letting it be so. We could talk about my full stomach, and good physical health, and great access to education. We could, but we’re not.
We’re not going to because these types of discussion solve nothing, as most discussion does. Not anything against the conversed word, but I know that these words are not said to get anywhere, but rather to argue and perpetuate the ideas at hand. And the whole problem of this issues stems from me not being able to come up with anything meaningful to say yet. I have dragged on for a few hundred words and a several dozen phrases to find myself no wiser than when I was younger and had a car and all of my worries were those I chose to have upon myself. Back when everything I had was fought for by someone else and I was to be grateful. Back when a young boy hand never kissed a girl and didn’t know what to want or what to do. The kiss only first happened about six years ago, so you could imagine that I have only come so far.
But I have and here I am, sitting atop my tiny little empire with no more words to say at the end as I did in the beginning and that has mostly to do with boredom and attention span. That and vanity. These days of posting the greatest craft that I am capable of into blog posts will be ceasing soon. Or at least changing mode. I may or may not be sorry, but the worth of my words will only go up if I begin to take them more seriously. I was told that I was good at this sort of thing many times. I was told a few years before now as well as with the passing moments.
Somehow, we have wound up here and yet I feel as I have said nothing and am even further from solving anything. This isn’t true though, because I won’t let it. And that, my friends is the wonder of it all. It can only mean what you want it too and that is the truth. Care not for what the rest compare or contrast your actions to because you can make anything mean whatever you want, Now, I trust that you understand how terrifying of a prospect that could be. Truth could be found by in feeding the hungry, just as much as it is found in a class room full of dead 1st graders. It should be understood that truth does not always mean justice. Nor does justice always mean benevolence. And benevolence could mean pumpkin pie somewhere else in the universe.
We don’t know. I don’t know and I know for a fact that you don’t know. I couldn’t verify or justify any of this, because I don’t imagine that I will be coming back to it anytime soon. I may never read this again, or at least not until I am old enough to be able to not care. That is, if I make it that far. The world is supposed to end in the next few days, so who knows.
If there are typos and misspelling, I kindly suggest that you deal with it. This is better off being posted with timely ideas than having the best grammar. Cheers.