I’m feeling better. Isn’t that fantastic? I feel healthier and complain much less. I’m becoming quite comfortable in the plump doses of solitude. My mind is less frantic and I seem less worried. This won’t last of course.
Would you like to know why? This is an easy one. I don’t want to. I want chaos and will only begin to crave it soon. I want my madness to be reborn.
As I wrote that the sun began to break through the clouds and shone through my window. It was warm on my face. Paul Simon was playing. Bask is the cliché, if you’d like. It may give you an orange tan though.
But as I was saying earlier, this is temporary grounding. Very soon, I will be running around with a mad smile and fire in my soul to rob this world blind of experience. It will be dark and deep and will shine with radiant light like no other.
But that time is not now, not quite yet. For now, I’ll gather my thoughts and feelings and spread them out in the sun. They will be ripped and torn and melted. Once only pieces remain, they will be patched and stitched and mixed together. Life’s a quilt. Get it?
I apologize for that. I can honestly say that my mind is not pressed to say so much, or I am unaware of what it’d like to say at the very least. I could try to say something about this or that, but that could go here or there and might just come out looking like it’s supposed to be something that it’s not. People would get the wrong idea. Of course, they may have never ever really had the right one in the first place.
I put more memories up on my wall. Pictures of faded sunsets and happy people. Mass cards and magazine clippings too. I went through paper books where people had said nice things to me. I’ve been trying to think of the heart less and the mind more. That’s probably better justification for why things seem less grim. I know it is.
There are many things that have sculpted the boy whose voice you are imagining in your head as you read. I’ve had time to think about things that had been forgotten for a time. The good and the bad and the mad and the sad and all the other things that had changed me or made me feel different or older or stronger. I’ve lived a life full of ambition despite some words that I have said. I have grown into a man, just not completely yet. I hope there is always part of my youth with me and I trust something will survive the gauntlet.
However, there are many things that will go. I have lost faith in any idea of god and am losing it in the country I call home. To some, those are the worst things to ever have happen to a soul. To all the rest of us, our doubt is the only thing that keeps us going. I can tell you this, I would not be the man that I am today had I not stopped asking God to make life better for me. Even the literary character of the Lord would have told me he wasn’t here to help my lazy ass. If you crave to be something, you go fucking be it and quite yer ballin’.
To want to hurt and break and take whatever harsh justice you feel is needed will only breed more of the sort. It may sound gone over and bored to belief at this point but that doesn’t make it any less true. If you kill a dictator, you will only make one out the child now left without a father.
Now if you create something, that will only create something in someone somewhere else. Horror and beauty are they two things that will sculpt any one of us greater than anything else that could happen. They both only lead to the creation of more of its kind but the tide seems to be leaning on so much heavier along the other side.
I could keep preaching. I don’t feel that I should or that I even want to. In fact, I’m sure that I don’t. I just needed to get a few words down to represent a small portion of thought that have been had. Unbelievable small really.