To All the Girls I’ve Ever Had a Crush On

So my solitude has gotten me peace but no mind to guide where to go to next. Am I a red-blooded man who stares fate and death and all those terrifying things in the face or am I still a boy with a few wispy hairs on my face? I’m beginning to run out of pondering time because in a few days I will be waltzing down the street of the greatest city in the world celebrating the favorite part of my heritage, so I won’t really have time for pondering then.

It’s tough to tell. People love me when I’m pretending to be someone else. They’d rather hear me sing than say anything, unless of course there’s a microphone and I’m supposed to be funny. The words that I write drunk and rambling are always better than those that are planned in prose and verse and prettiness. I guess what I’m getting at, is that I have no idea who I am or who I’m supposed to be.

Well, it’s still early in the day. I’ll try to figure this out as I stumble along.

I used to be very timid. I was afraid to talk to members of the opposite sex for really most of my life. It started to slow down in my mid-teens but even then I couldn’t get past being a friend. My first kiss wasn’t even my idea. Don’t get me wrong, I was hoping it would happen, I just didn’t think it would. It was nice and I’ve been looking to replace that moment ever since and I’ve only come close a few times. I should realize that will never be again and that I blew it with that girl. Great thing about Facebook is you get to see how dumb you are because of how gorgeous your first girlfriend has become. I thought she was gorgeous when I was 15 but I’m 20 now and she seems even more magnificent. If there’s any chance you’re reading this, and you know who you are, I would love to take you out to dinner sometime.

Well now that I’ve just made this awkward for everyone else reading this, let’s carry on. I don’t know what I’m trying to get at here. Well I guess its two things. One, I’m re-teaching myself how to type because I never really learned and am quite terrible at it. The other thing has to do with how little I’ve written this month and how ridiculous that is. Why you ask? Well it’s spring and ever since that fateful day in April so many years ago, I’ve connected this idea to this time of year. I suppose it’s only natural to associate spring with the idea of new beginnings or some shit like that, but this corny individual thinks he’s special. Don’t tell him he’s not, it would crush the poor thing.

It is now much later in the day than when this was started and I’ve sort of abandoned trying to correct my typing for the time being, so if we could let’s just fall into this and figure out what it is that keeps me whining so much. I don’t know if this is normal or healthy or even possible but I want to be alone and at the same time fear that same loneliness so fucking much that it makes me want to rip my hair from my skull. My guess is on unhealthy. Anyway if you know me, I ask for time and patience and understand which are all things that I seem to never be able to give other people. What’s the word for that? Oh yeah, selfish. So selfish Brian is walking down the street and he looks at the girls as they pass and how could he not? You need self control for that kind of thing, which I have none of. He’s walking down the street and slowly he looks up to the sky and sees sunlight sneaking pass clouds and thinks to himself, ‘well isn’t that nice’.

‘Yes that’s very nice but what does that have to do with anything?’

‘It’s got everything to with anything, are you mad?’

‘Possibly, but I still don’t see how that works’

‘Come on, you’re not supposed to see it. I thought you knew that.’

‘Guess not.’

‘Bummer.’

Bummer indeed. I guess that makes this a waste. Such a shame. I assume that this will be forgotten as most things are. I will. You will. We all will. It’s inevitable and we all just have to deal with that.

Actually, I don’t know if I can forget everything which is the real issue here.

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