This was on Friday, I think.
And here I sit in a theater listening to people pretend to be other people as everyone does every single day. We spend our time going through these actions and ordeals with our manners and our poses and yet every day for me at least, I wake with the desire to fall back to sleep. I couldn’t say if it’s my bed or the booze but I still ache for some feeling that I’ve hardly ever known. Would it be out of line if I said that I couldn’t do this? Would I be mad for tossing this away? I suppose it would but madness may be the only comfort that I still have. I don’t know is a phrase that I’m quite sick of using but my addiction has left me with nothing more to say.
I will preach when asked and give this rousing advice but it will fall away.
This was written today.
I’ve decided that this will be an all day, or at least most of the day production. I will start now and continue at various points during my day. Just so you know, I just ran a lot. I don’t know how this is going to make me feel. Also, it’s March. I haven’t written a damn thing in all of these days of March. I may implode. Just a warning. Enjoy.
Clean and fed. Still not quite ready to dive in yet, which would essentially make this a waste. So I’ll try not to waste and say a few things, or better yet, look at this. I took some pictures today. Enjoy.
I’m starting to wonder where this all started. This search for this feeling that I believe I have only felt a few times in my life and when I did it was gone before I had hardly had a taste. It seems to be forever beyond my grasp and I can’t tell if that’s my doing or the work of the universe or something like that. I stand now weeks behind in all the things that I’m expected to do and I’m lying to you because I’m actually sitting.
I’m glad to retreat back into the woods to find where is at all anything that exists to quench this thing that has occupied my mind. I still need to dig further though and spend more time both today and afterward to fill such an empty and aching soul. I need to ask some questions that I’ve been to afraid to even think of. I shall get to the bottom of this. At least I hope I shall.
Someone told me, indirectly of course, that life is a collection of moments that are all strung together. Most of them are fairly crappy but there are a few that are good and you should think about those. Now here comes the conflict. What if that moment is holding me forever there, in that one spot? What if I miss everything that is passing by and only look to see it shrinking away in the distance?
Well, I don’t know what will happen. I try and fight to understand what or why but all I can arrive at is that those memories want to stay alive. Or is it me just keeping them alive? I feel like I’ve said this before and it’s mostly likely because I have. I’ve probably said this many times and in many ways and yet turning this thought into something that could be seen has made none of it go away.
I think that I’ve grown bored with my writing and what it’s been about. It all seems the same to me and although there is more hair on my face than two years ago, I cannot tell if the feeling is real or imagined. Feeling is a stupid word anyway. It’s a stupid concept all together, or at least I think it is at this moment which is supposed to be different from every other one. I, of course, could not tell you whether it is or not. I don’t seem to be able to tell you much of anything. I’d apologize but I don’t imagine you’d like to hear that anymore. Give me some more time and I’ll see if I can’t come up with anything better.
I can’t tell if that nap helped me at all. I woke up a few times and sort of just wanted to call it quits for the day and yet here I am. Why? WHY??
I’m not going to Bay Ridge for St. Patrick’s Day and that’s kind of lame. There’s a parade the next day but to be honest, there wasn’t any hope in all that anyway. Theoretically this freedom should be uplifting but it’s not. If you don’t get it, I don’t care. These are just stupid thoughts that no one but me cares about anymore. All other parties have let this die and have moved on but not ol’ B-ri. He’s hanging on for dear life to something that hasn’t been there since I don’t know when. I’m not going to read anything I wrote then because it’s probably tainted with delusion disguised as happiness. Or was it real happiness? I can hardly tell the difference anymore.
I remember my first kiss and how stupid I was for letting that girl get away. My second girlfriend was very nice too. My third was a bitch but I thought I loved her. Since then my relations with females have been empty for the most part. I’ve been much more successful with girls but that doesn’t make me feel better. I was better of being the quite kid. I was a better person when I was a virgin.
I wonder about how I did on that test. If I can get the job, I can chase my dreams which is strange because I thought this job would lead to just the opposite. I’m afraid of my life. I’m so afraid of failure that I can move forward and yet here I am so far and sitting so highly on the success that I’ve almost effortlessly attained. I could have worked harder and gotten more but then I would have lost my daydream attitude. I want to lose my mind more. I want to fall farther and grab every experience that I can. I want to be happy but not before I do everything else. I haven’t done enough yet. I don’t know my answer yet but deep down I do. I just can’t see it or I won’t see it. Something like that.
This will be the last little bit that I write for this. I haven’t come up with anything of value to say all day. I will hopefully come up with something better tomorrow. My mom asked me what I want to do with my life as far as internships and stuff go. My dad came up with the best answer. He said save the world. I think I’ll try and do that. It may cost me my soul and my life but so be it. I may never have a family or love and that’s fine. I just hope by the time I die, I’ll have self respect.
I also hope that I will be able to come up with things to say that are worth hearing. I hope that I do things that are worth remembering. I hope that you won’t forget me but I guess I’ll never know that, will I?