Sunday Morning Thoughts 1.22.12

I wish to prophesize and only to combat the fallacies that can come from such lofty tales told by tongues that wag out of fear of losing the ability. There is supposed to be thought before the idea is to be shared. It has to be argued and refuted and repealed and revealed all before it can ever get the chance to see the sun and grab its first breath. If not, it will just fill space and waste time and the sort and that won’t be stood for although it is and it always has and who am I, as my guilt is just as much as any man’s. But all I can ask is to hope for more justice in what I do and say, as my morals are tainted with Freudian undertones that all things and everything can be encompassed under.

Destined to deny nothing right away but rather build it up and up and up until I have amassed all the skill that I could ever wield at which point, I swallow the fear and conquer. You have to be able to crave the right amount of insanity, you see. Too much and you can be forever lost in whatever delusion you may or may not have made for yourself. Too little and you’ll never be mad enough to step far enough out of line to change much of anything. Now there is the risk that it’s not supposed to be you or something like that but I urge you to remember that you wouldn’t actually believe it ever were if it weren’t ever, dig?

I ache to be better but always fear that it just won’t be enough to save my soul from my self which has spent so much time on this all out fully fledged war upon the very idea that it steals its name from. But if I were to just abandon it all and go out to the hills to live without any other or anything that I could not find immediately around me, well what then? Would I forget my name if there was no one to call me by it? Would I find that peace and fall from my body into some sort of serene bliss not tainted with anything at all? With my body pure of anything unnatural and my head free of any nonsense, would I finally be free?

See the thing is, I don’t know if that could ever even be done, at least by yours truly. Why? Ego, for one and that would be a very big one. I’m vain and self-conscious and insecure and cannot go very  long without craving some sort of human attachment which of course will be pushed very far away as soon as it happens because I’ll be damned if I let anyone in, at least for now. There is another part and that’s the part that wants to care about something because what is a man that doesn’t care? A man with no passion is no man at all.

But going back to the whole “Into the Wild” scheme, I don’t believe I could actually do it mostly because I hold onto this idea of obligation to the rest of my fellow fleshy meat sacks who I deem unable to see the light that I myself cannot see. The difference of course, is that I am looking for that light while the rest of my species is looking for the next episode of Idol to get them through their next meaningless week of work. I want to find meaning for myself. I want to find meaning for us. So I will go far away from the woods for now, and dive into the dark dirty city and root out some evil, if I can.


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