I had things written that sat there for a few days. Then they were highlighted and erased. Why? Well Johnny, because it was stupid. It was backwards and it was more of the same thing that has continued to get me nowhere which is a place that I am quite frankly beyond sick of being. So what is being done about this? Quite simply, I’m moving on. I’m cutting the ties, I’m jumping the tracks. For never to return.
I was talking today with someone who means a lot to me, a lot more than I think I ever realized. I was telling her about this person I used to be. I was happy. I had belief in romance and the goodness of the world. I was a kid with all the hopes and dreams that one could ever wish to have. Would you like to know what happened? Was it a series of misfortunes and downfalls that developed my cynicism? Was it heartbreak after heartbreak and disappointment after disappointment that finally led to me creating this closed of bitter shell around what used to be such a bright individual? Was it obsession and depression spiraling out of control with booze and nicotine pushing it even further to a point where I could no longer recognize the man looking back at me in the mirror?
I’m not giving an answer. It’s counterproductive, that’s why. I have a lot of work to do and I can’t be wasting time looking backwards anymore. Yeah, it’s sad that things didn’t work out how my youthful self though they would but that time is gone. I didn’t have a high school sweet heart. I didn’t have teenage love. I lost my virginity to a skank and after that was revealed for what it was, I chased an idea that was never meant to be had. It sucked but it still was and always will be. There’s not another chance to have those years back.
So from here I will build what I can from what I have, which is more than I thought it was. I won’t say more for now because if I’ve learned one thing it’s that words can completely lose their value. I learned that two springs ago but refused to listen to reason.