Here it comes… the impending reality of life and how if I want to make it I have to put my hands up and start fighting. It’s not about trying to pick up the pieces anymore because I won’t be able to hold anything as it were. I need to grab everything I own and run from the burning building before it takes me down the all of those tongues of flame. I have to pack my bag and strap it to my back and get out of here and into that dark, smelly and impossibly beautiful world. I won’t stand to be beaten down or defeated any longer. I will not stand to be chased from the few things that I can love without consequence. I’ve been pushed away or pushed myself away from too many things, and why? For some bullshit level of comfort that has never really existed?
Here’s the deal, today I go to a show and I’ll tell some jokes and we’ll just have to see how well I do. I’ll tell the story about my dad getting stuffed and the time I choked in the mall and a few jokes about my dating life. I can get laughs, I just have to be myself. It’s scary as shit though. I was all nervous the other night, as I was last night, as I am now. This is what I want to do with my life but I can’t forget it’s because I’m good at it. IU can be a comedian, people have told me and believe in me. I don’t even give a shit if I don’t believe in myself because it is no longer about that. It’s too late and now I just have to grab myself by the balls and go. I need to run and live and regret for fun. I can’t chase broken and empty ideas. I can’t want what I can’t have. I just need to want what I know I can have, which could be anything.
And of course I write this now for attention. From you and from myself. I need to hear myself say these things because I’m vain and egotistical and weak and scared. I need to reassure myself because I’m still in the stage that lives in between the all of this. I’m in the process of running away which entails being able to part with anything and possibly everything. I want this life and I want this career. I want to create and perform and display some sort of beautiful idea to anyone who will see it. I don’t want to impose, but I do. I want to inspire and be inspired. I want to make you laugh, and I will. In what I say and what I do, I will always be a comic at heart.