Sunday Morning Thoughts 12.11.11

I’m sorry. If you had the week that I’ve had then you’d be like this too. I’m actually surprised that I’m not more dramatic about everything. I’ve been lethargic about it, slow moving and grey. It shouldn’t be that way ever. It should always be grand and full of something. It must always be a show. It just must. That being said let me just read something over and I’ll continue on.

Ok so I get why you were upset, I do. I’m a bit extreme but like I said, my avenues to vent any kind of negative aggression are limited. Or at least I see limitations. If I see them then they must be there, but I assume I could just ignore them. Yet there is hesitation and limitation now. For why? I cannot say but I’m going to struggle on in the hope that I can rise above all of it. I have claimed to be super human on occasion and I would hate to look like a liar. Nobody wants to look like a liar. Nobody wants to look like how we truly are.

Well that’s not true, completely at least. I may just be saying things for the sake of saying things. I shouldn’t do that. Blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah.

I have my script. I have my notebook. I have my guitar. I have my two feet and they work, which is a plus. I have jazz music. I have a slight hang over. I have cotton mouth and bad breath. I have nothing to do with most of my day.

Now you see that, right there? Why is it that having nothing to do with my day is not the greatest thing that was ever conceived or capable of being conceivable? Once I leave this desk I am free until 7 at which point I’ll just be temporarily confined to my residence. I can do anything. I could go to Manhattan if I wanted, but I should save my money. I do have to eat and I would like to make that venture later. I may have a show coming up. Somewhere in Manhattan eventually, but I need to bring people if I want stage time. If I bring people then the other comics will have more people laughing at their stuff so when I waste whatever amount of time that I might be given, they will be more forgiving. I don’t know if I’d even get any laughs. I have jokes but they’re just scraps really. And it’s been awhile. It’s actually been a long fucking time. It shouldn’t take a superhero a year to do anything.

What am I saying? I can get laughs, all I need is to believe that. And I’ve been mastering ceremonies and events here and there. I was told by this very kind, slightly round woman that I have a career in stand-up and that’s all you need. It doesn’t really matter what a professional says because we are nothing without a crowd. I can feel for the laughs and they’ll happen at least half of the time. I just need one pair of testicles. And people, for what are testicles with no people around to see you use them?

I’ll take this time to invite anyone who will be around New York on the 17th to come to a show that my friend is producing. I’ll find more details and deliver them based upon interest. So if you’d like to come, bring friends. You can even heckle me. Go for it, I could use the practice.

Regardless, Rashid left his iPod with me. It’s fantastic. It’s full of jazz and lectures. And I mean all types of jazz. The man practically chronicles the genre from the start. You know who Benny Waters is? Well you should. I spent three hours in my room talking with him about all of this music, and then we talked about life and women and education and passion and society and everything. He’s a very knowledgeable and very hip dude. I mean hip in the true sense, dig? And the only reason I know him is because I started talking to him when he was fixing the hole in the ceiling on the 10th floor. He’s a facilities guy at my school. He’s got this big grey beard and always wears this cap over his shaved head. He may be the coolest person that I have ever met.

Nina Simone is spectacular. Jimmy Smith and Wes Montgomery and the Duke. There is so much in the world that I have yet to discover. There’s so much you have yet to discover. I guess that’s why I’m so upset. I don’t like to see doors get closed but I can’t help it. I’m bewildered but I’m not shattered. I think that’s the point I was trying to make. Its part of this romantic ideal, you see. How? Well I don’t know exactly how to say such a thing, so I’ll try. My romantic ideal is not specific to relationships or women. You see it has more to do with what Rashid and I talked about yesterday. It’s all for the experience and getting all from it that you can. At least for me.

I had this idea and at first it was terrifying. Actually, I should go back further than that. I had this idea and this was back before I had seen a large part of the world, which I still haven’t but then it was even smaller. I got out there and being young and stupid, which I still am, I made some mistakes. I saw things not for how they were and all that mistake making business and it blew up all around me. So my first big step as a man, I started smoking and moved from there. There was another idea that started at some point before the explosion but the timing is confusing. This idea was scary because it was beyond what my tiny little catholic suburban raised mind could comprehend. So I waited and hesitated and chose wrong and tried to make up for it by being annoying and idiotic and dependant on the whole concept of something that was never even mine, never even real. I’ve grown detached and calloused but I know this is just how life goes.

I meant it when I said I’ve come to terms with my loneliness. I won’t close my mind to not having to be such a way, but I am prepared. Well, I’m not really prepared but I won’t be shocked. It can go anyway from here and I’m trying to brace myself for just that. You don’t have to isolate me, I can do that myself fairly well but if I remember correctly I just wanted to talk because that’s what part of the ideal I still want to believe. 

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