Harsh

This is probably a terrible idea but if there was ever a point in time that I couldn’t possibly care less, it would be now. I don’t know what I’m going to say or how I’m going to say it. I never do, but I’ve had a goal usually. I’m not some aimless wanderer waiting for you to finally accept me, and if you believed that then you had best listen up sweetheart.

They cut down a bunch of trees outside one of the buildings at my school. I used to sit on the benches underneath them on spring days. It was nice but now they’re gone and I don’t think they’ll be back. I’m not heartbroken because I can’t be. Like most things, I can’t afford it. I know you could say that there are other trees, but it’s never the same. Every tree is different after all.

But that’s all just nonsense. I strive to be more than nonsense but when you’re surrounded by it, the weight of it will slow you and burden you, or me rather. There is a simpler life out there and the masses enjoy it. It based on simple pleasures and mindless occupations and trivial matters. I could do it, I could be part of it and just ride the rest of my life out making sure not to step beyond any lines or boundaries that may or may not be real. I could submit and give up. I could walk away from everything I’ve worked to be at this point because apparently all I’ve been doing is sitting around feeling bad for myself. Maybe that’s how you see me and that’s why you want nothing to do with me, but you are wrong of course.

Do as you please because I’m not going to be able to stop you either way, but if you think I’ve been doing nothing but pouting all this time, you are gravely mistaken my friend. Sure I complain a lot and maybe don’t do as much as I like, but I am a god damn king in my world. I have done more in the past two years than most ever do. People know who I am even if I don’t know them. People believe in me and despite anything I may have ever said, I believe in myself. Even the things I do that I consider effortless, most people can’t do. I’m a fucking superhero, even if you only saw me as Clark Kent.

I was thinking about writing about this idea earlier, but I’m glad I didn’t. It needed time to develop. I have come to terms with my loneliness. I understand I will never be able to shake it and now I feel it more confirmed. It’s fine. I was never destined to have that sort of stuff. I doubt I’ll really be in love with any person and if I do, I’m sure it will end someday. I don’t imagine getting married or starting a family. It’s not a depressing thing, you have to understand. It’s just who I am. I am in a class of people that most are not. I am one of those people who will never be truly happy and it is in that idea of perpetual pursuit of something that I do not yet and may never understand is the closest to happiness I will ever get. These memories may or may not fade but I can’t stop regardless. I can’t relive anything no matter what desire tells me.

Either way, I’ll deem it your loss. You can go out and be happy and young and all those things. You can get married and live in your nice little dream house with the cobble stone driveway. You can die believing you had done the best you could. Just know that I’ll do better.

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