Sunday Morning Thoughts 12.4.11

I want to say something sincere, but that is harder than you would think. It’s easier to feel something sincere but to put that into word can be just fucking impossible. I guess it’s because the feeling just happens. Explanations are tricky and stupid and often times unnecessary. We would be best to just rid ourselves of them all together, explanations that is.

But to be honest, I may be a bit too tired and a bit too hung over to go on changing the world. Well, just for now that is. I’ll instead focus all of my energy and intention into doing that thing that I was just saying was less than easy to do. Why? Well, it’d be best if that question wasn’t asked I’m sure. You can ask but I’m not sure on the chance of getting an answer. Feel free to check the sound waves just the same.

So… something sincere. Hahahaha, does that count? I mean I did just smile and giggle to myself as I wrote that one. I wish there was a three letter anagram to encompass the idea of giggling audibly to one’s self. Here’s to hoping. But the words that I want to come forth haven’t quite yet. That’s the problem with coming up with one sentence in my head a few minutes before this and then thinking a damn book can be made from that. Technically I suppose you could, it would just be small. Or short, rather. Unless you spread it out, maybe a word or hell even a letter to each page. That’s give you like…. Fifty pages? Let me check.

Wow… 59. Yes, I just went through and counted how many letters are in that first sentence. Go ahead, count it yourself. Actually, I did it rather fast and I have been known to not pay attention, especially when I’m actually doing something. I would have been terrible working as a lumberjack. So it may be off by a few.

At some point in the construction of that last paragraph, it fell upon me again. You know, that something I wanted to talk about. I’m glad I remembered. It has to do with the dream I had not last night, but the night before. I don’t remember my dream for last night. It’s strange, but it seemed to have an impact on me. Let me just set the scene for you. I’m in Disney Land or World of all fucking places except it was in my dream, so it was a very dimly lit Disney Place. That’s something strange about my dreams that I’ve never realized. Many of them are dark, in the literal sense as in it is difficult to see due to absence of light, but not complete absence. So we’ll say, the lateness of light.

Anyway, I was in Disneystan with my family, so after arguing I think a bar was found and we were at it. I wasn’t allowed to drink, but there was some sort of entertainment but it wasn’t very good. Somehow, some way, I got the chance to say something funny that people heard and laughed at. I’ve done this before, just at the Daily Show. I semi argued with the warm up comedian. I got him too. He had picked me out because I was being a tad obnoxious which I deem understandable, as he was doing his crowd work. He guessed my major and said his wife worked in a museum and then moved on. Later he was talking to a blonde young bimbo-ish woman and asked her if she was married. So I yelled out, “Well he is” and the entire audience within range of my voice laughed. I was proud.

The same sort of thing happen, only this was much cornier. That is because in this made up dimly lit audience, sat Jerry Seinfeld. Even in my dreams the clichés find me. But Mr. Seinfeld was laughing too and gave me a thumbs up or something like that, so I got ballsy and walked over to him to shake his hand and introduce myself. We started talking and he took me to him luxurious dimly lit Disney bar and we drank and talked and he gave me advice, none of which I remember and we kept getting interrupted by other people and then I woke up.

I guess that’s sincere. It certainly made this whole thing a lot longer, but I still feel as I have more to write and if that’s happening I had be not waste it. I don’t imagine Jerry would be happy to see me failing to live up to my potential or expectations or anything like that. To be honest though, fuck your expectations of me. They’re just about as stupid and as useless and as inconvenient as explanations. I will not live my life based on what people think I should do. I know what I want and need to and there are no things that will stop me. I may not say it or show it but it is always there, the tiny little fire that is my unwavering confidence in myself above anything else. I am my own god. Call it blasphemy or arrogance but no words you throw at it will make it untrue.

Some kid getting his ID at the desk was being a complete jerk off just not. No sense of humor. I can’t understand how people go through life like that. It’s insanity. And some people are afraid to laugh, or get nervous about things. So do i. It’s not worth it. We get upset but that isn’t worth it either. The history of man is filled with people just trying to make other people sad or discomforted or dead because that’s how they feel. It should be the other way.

I am a man. I do these terrible things. It’s just something that has always been done and all that can be done now about it is not concern ourselves as much with it. I don’t mean to do all these things but they will happen. I’m sorry that I’m not perfect but there exists no such man and if there did you’d be bored with him I can guarantee. I don’t want you to ever be upset over me, even if I do terrible things. If I’m not doing something good for you, then just ignore me. Trust me, I’m not worth it. You have all this time to be young and beautiful and free so be all of that. Don’t let anyone, me least of all, fuck anything up for you because people will always try without even trying.

I will die a happy man if I burst out of bed full of life until I can no longer. You should do the same. We all should. Now everyone do the Pat and let’s get weird.

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