Sunday Morning Thoughts 11.27.11

What are you doing man?!? You sit down and get all of this gusto and then you open the goddamn internet. What the fuck is the matter with you? Have you no ambition any longer? Are all of those positive traits and dashing good looks just going to waste? Shit man, I expected more from you.

Well there I go again, just disappointing people. Its bullshit and it’s annoying and it’s all my own device. I do it to myself for reason that I can only assume are just as idiotic. So consumed by lack of action that its almost sickening. You know what? It is sickening.

That is of course, just how I’m feeling about it now. It will change, I have no doubts. And when it does, I’m sure I’ll be all bewildered and caught off guard because I don’t pay attention to a damn thing that I ever do. It is becoming just this meaningless motion that is boring the ever loving piss out of me, so I can only assume it’s doing the same for you.

I am really letting myself have it tonight. It’s probably because it’s night. If I kept track of when I wrote these, I could bet you a dollar I don’t have that the more positive and sunshine bullshit one were written before I had a full day. The ones that are dark and bitchy and sad, but not sad in the sense of heart wrenching but sad like pity. It’s pathetic. There I go again. I don’t think I’m feeling this song either. Change? Change. Well actually, the song might be ending at this point. Yeah it is, I’m just going to keep typing and there it goes. Next please.

I skipped around, but I think I’ll never learn. I guess I should go ahead and apologize for that now, although I don’t imagine that it will make it any better. But I really am sorry and I figure that saying that before anything happens would be more… effective? I don’t know. I suppose that I’m just setting myself up for failure with that mentality. I think it will go terribly, so it does. I wonder if I even have that kind of power. It’s a little farfetched.

I keep wanting to check, but I know I shouldn’t. It’s like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. I am waiting for something that isn’t going to happen. Look at how sad I look. I know you won’t and I don’t blame you. It must be pretty lame watching me struggle along with this for so long. I don’t even know why I’m doing it.

Alright, I know that’s not true but I wanted to see if I could just say it. I know why, but that’s none of your goddamn business.

I do have to be doing something about emptiness. Just in general, you know? It’ll keep me from getting bored because god fucking knows what I’ll do then. Nothing spectacular or cool, juts something that when you see you think to yourself, “Really? That?” and all I want to be is cool. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. I wanted to be lost in the freedom of coolness. I wound up a dweeb. You win some, you lose some. I’m starting to… learn from that? I suppose it’s growth, in some way or another.

The thing is, I could very easily go to sleep right now, but I won’t because I have to wait it out for just a bit longer and see if something drops from my mind that will reveal some bold and brilliant light and with that all things will become clear, for myself and many more, and my soul will finally find happiness.

That is a ridiculous and quite stupid thing to be waiting for. It’s fairly stupid to wait for much of anything. You go, or you don’t.

But what if I went? What if I there everything I had out there and got nothing?

Well… I don’t know. I guess you’ll have to go somewhere else eventually. And you should probably eat and sleep and drink in the mean time.

But what if that’s not enough?

It won’t be enough. No one ever said it would be. That’s you making stuff up again. Not once did anyone ever say that it was going to be enough.

Now that’s shit because there are plenty of people who have gotten enough. They tell other people how to live these rich fulfilled lives.

But do you believe those people?

Well… I guess I don’t.

I didn’t think so. You my friend, will never have enough. You will most likely never fill the emptiness completely. But hey, you won’t get too bored. Unless you want to be bored. Either way, there it is. And with that, I’m off.

 

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