Sunday Morning Thoughts 11.6.11

I feel unimpressed and unimpressive. I didn’t feel this way earlier. Earlier today as I was walking back to my room looking at all the leaves that grew bored with being green on all of the trees that are growing bored with holding them, I thought about how it’s funny. You know, life and everything and how we care so much. I was angry last night, over something stupid. I just don’t like the idea of being forgotten, at least not by you, but it’s stupid to worry about it. It didn’t stop me though. I got all worked up on the phone later and was frantically pacing up and down my room, but that was stupid. I’m just bummed that as of right now, I’m living up to what my friend said about blogging. I’m just bitching about my life. Woe is me, right?

See here’s the thing, I think people confuse boredom and depression a lot. It makes sense, considering that they are essentially the same thing. Think about it, they really are. Don’t believe me? Well… umm… I guess you have a right to your opinion and such. It’s not going to change mine, unless of course your opinion is cooler. I’ll do anything to be cool. For real, I will. It’s one of my redeeming qualities.

Let’s be honest though, who wants to get hung up on love or some shit like that. As if I even knew what that was. I understand attraction and infatuation, but love I’m starting to think is a myth. You just kind of dress up one of those other things enough until you start to believe that’s love. Right?

Well that’s stupid and clichéd and it’s all because I’m bored. I’m bored out of my ever loving mind. I am so fucking bored that I might just start chaos in my life to keep myself entertained. I have no money and no motivation and as all hypocrites do, I will tell you that it is absurd for you to even think for a moment that you can justifiably say that.

I crave attention. It’s as true as it is sad. It’s as true as it is unhealthy. It’s as true as it is unchangeable. There is a chance, and mind you it’s a very small chance, that someday I will cease to crave the attention of others. Sometimes it’s specific, and sometimes it’s not, but it happens all the same. But dig, here’s the twisted part, I just want your attention so I can complain. I have become such… a little bitch, if you will.

Would you like to hear some shit? So my video production teacher said that I may want to consider dropping the class. I should have told her to suck on my nut sack, but I didn’t. Here’s where the shit comes in, she tells me this and tells me how talented I am. The only reason I’m in danger of failing is because she has all these bullshit little study guides that are completely fucking useless. I’m not the only one with issues with this teacher, but other people are bitching about other stuff, like how their videos suck or there’s too many assigned. Oh well, I’m just going to make like five more videos for extra credit. I’ll end up getting A’s on them, like I have every other video. That makes sense, to fail someone in a video class when they make great videos, while some dweeb who can’t even speak into a camera is going to do better than me because he did all the homework, despite it not making him better at anything involving a camera. This is some shit.

I should just buy my own camera. I should just start making my own film and producing it and showing it off. I should be making film all the time, but I’m not. I have no money for a camera, and that blows. I should be so many things, all of which I’m not. I should be more than just a waste of time, which I’m being. I should be excited and eager, when all I want is to go back to bed. But even when I go back to bed, I think about how much it sucks to be alone. I thnk about how I wish there was something consistent in my life besides the craving for something consistent, which again, is stupid.

It’s stupid because I would get bored with consistency, rather fats I believe. I know this about myself. I want to be excited to wake, which has happened. It doesn’t happen when I know what to expect though, it happens when I’m so at a loss for ideas that I can’t wait to go out and be so I can find out what there is that I haven’t seen before. Like love… hahahahaha.

I’ll be alright though. In fact, I’m sure I’ll be more than alright. I’ll be immortal someday. I will live forever, in some way or another and that is a guarantee. You won’t get rid of me and no matter how much you may want me to just go away and forget about the whole thing. I will be stuck in your head until it’s all over, I’m going to make sure of it. I will destroy the walls that block me from sight and maybe, just maybe, you’ll be happy about that. You can be, trust me. All I would like is to make you happy.

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