You can get upset if you’d like, I often do. You can make a big fuss about this or that or anything really and make it like the end of the world, or at least the end of your world. You can hate whoever you want to fucking hate and you can think that you’re the best and the worst and maybe I’ve had too much because I’ve been away from this party for awhile now and it’s all because I’m giving myself a pep talk about nothing in the reflection of the toothpaste splashed mirror.
Someone must be wondering what I’m doing since I’ve been gone for so long. Actually, everyone else is too fucked up to even find that fact that I’m not around to be strange. I do give them credit though, because there’s always a big up rise of noise of some sort when I come into a room. After all, I am the king of sausages.
I’m a bit of a dead beat king though. I spend time and a lot of it, but I’m not getting much of anything out of it. I seem to never get enough sleep but what is there to show for it? It feels like nothing, but I don’t know. There are things, at least a few things that I have from all of this time.
Human motivation is a thing and like all other things, we have no idea how or why it works. We think we do but we don’t because we’re not very good at understanding most things. Yet we will always chase and argue and all of that because I want that and you have that and that just can’t be and I want you but I can’t have you and it’s been so long but it still feels the same and it will be all that piercing infectious warmth that fills your veins whether you want it to or not, or at least that’s what it’s like for me. Ya dig?
But dig this one too. The world is full of action and if you don’t act upon something, you won’t be able to pick up or something like that. If you stand still, you won’t be moving and well to be honest, I guess people just like to move whether there is need or reason or not. We both might be out at different places and be thinking about the same thing or we could be doing nothing like that. It would be nice to think about, but then again they’re just thoughts. They don’t even exist, well as a physical thing in a physical world. But maybe you do here and there. Maybe it’s more than that, but I don’t know. It takes so much to get you to talk about anything.
Then, a day and a handful of hours in the future…
There you go, making up conversations again. I tend to be a bit more spacey when I have less sleep, but I suppose that only makes sense. Then again, I am always a little spacey, like how I witnessed myself still practically silent at a table full of people talking and laughing and being merry in the wee hours of the morning. I’m a bit weird, and kind of mean. Many people forgive me for these things, but I am undeserving and often act ungrateful. I have flaws, as all humans do. My flaws at the moment seem to be many, most likely because I seem to be acting upon them. Like I said, I’m actually a fairly mean and selfish person, but I wish I weren’t. I obviously don’t wish it enough to do anything about it, I just wish in the sense that I know it should be that way and I just don’t do anything and by the grace and vivid detail of the universe, that thing just happens. But motivation doesn’t just happen.
It really doesn’t because if you sit there and think about it and say “hmmm” and “that’s very interesting”, you’ll realize that motivation is a made up thing. It’s just an idea, sort of. It’s a cultural phenomenon, but really has more to do with the species than anything else. Either way, it’s not really real, but so is most stuff. None of it really, which reminds me of a funny story
So dig, I was at this little shindig at my friend’s apartment and I went out on the back porch to have a cigarette because that’s where you go if you want to do that whole thing. So I walk out there with my friend, not the one who lives there but another one, and there are two, couples I guess you would call them, just looking at one another talking very low and very hushed. I call them couples, but I suppose it’s more of intoxicated hook up interest or something of the sort. I don’t blame them, everyone does it. However, I did not feel like allowing this to continue, so I start talking about how our lives are all meaningless and things of that nature, very loudly to my friend. I did this specifically to kill the mood. One couple then leaves, but the gentleman of the other set of individuals begins to join my conversation.
He turned out to be an idiot. He heard me talking about a little… existentialism I suppose is the term to be used here, so his tiny little drowned mind just began talking about religion and making fairly stupid and border line ignorant things fall from his mouth, but he got bored after I started to actually engage this little shit chat… hahahahahaha. I meant to write chit chat, but instead got shit chat. Oh, the irony of life.
Anyway he walked away and I did that social thing dressed up as James Dean, and that whole spending money thing and now another month is gone and my life just gets more of the same. I hope that the coolness will last beyond Halloween and I will break down something soon, or at least I hope. I’m sorry to anyone that has been affected by this. I meant no harm, but still made some. It is unfortunately one of my most instinctual actions apparently. I do what I can about it, for real.