I woke up this morning and didn’t feel like crap. I didn’t spring out of bed and hoot and holler over how excited I thought my day was going to be, but I didn’t bitch and whine that much. I did a little bit of stuff today, but I think that I’ll do more. I did clean my room and moved stuff around just to help me feel some sort of power over my fate. Sounds crazy, but if I can control what my room looks like, then I should be able to do the same with my world.
So dig, I was walking around in my snow globe today. It was nice. I get to watch the people and jump in and do the dance and jump out when I grow bored. I am the master of my domain. I’m in the process of conquering Iona, but they’ll be other steps. It’s a small world and someday I will take it over. Not in an evil way, just in a quasi-egotistical way that borders on some insecurity issues.
But there is also that other thing. That little fire that lives inside of me. I just let it taper off until it became nothing more than a flicker. I was dark and damp and no use to much of anyone. I was told I used to be darker. It’s nice to hear that it seems as though I’m coming forth from all of that. It’s nice to hear that from you.
But I was thinking about ten year old Brian and how the progression of said Sears has been geared overall to the liking of that kid. Now what would he want from here? What will 40 year old me think? I would hate to disappoint him. Especially considering that I am doomed to turn into this generation’s version of my father. He’s not the easiest person to please, but that’s because he has an understanding for potential and regret. Being so accustomed with the two of those will help sculpt quite the creature. It may even possibly sprout up a true hearted man, which as everyone knows, contains the heart of an excited ten year old boy.
But feel that deep breath. Close your eyes and watch the leaves fall in the park littered with used condoms. Let your eyes adjust to the dark room. Knock down the walls. Actually, don’t knock them down. Wait until you know it’s time, and then smash them to bits. Don’t just take them down, destroy them. Blast them into fucking oblivion. You’ll feel better, I swear.