Doesn’t the room feel like its breathing? Just listen to it pulse in and out and in and out, sucking in all the energy around it. Don’t you see them all dancing around? Their smiles hide that pain that resides in their hearts. They found the secret. They found happiness.
I speak of course, about the Grateful Dead poster with the bears. No drugs, no booze, no smokes. It’s just me this morning. It’s me and the sweet sound of breeze and birds barely bounding past the sound of some big fan that is blowing air to cool down something that’s running in one of these buildings around me. A bit of sunshine creeps in through the windows and lights up the pile of newspapers from Friday. I wish I were outside. I wish I were, I wish I were. This time of year is beautiful because it makes me ache. The weather is cooling and such. It’s all romantic and more than I can handle and that’s just how I like it.
Hey wait! Do you know what today is? It’s been a year! Happy anniversary! To what you ask? Well Sunday Morning Thoughts has just turned one year old today! For a whole year I have been typing up the things that bug me into a few words and put them on the internet for like six people to read. But hey, I’ve committed to something. I’ve been pumping this bullshit out for unknown reasons from 19 until now at 20 years old, and hell I’m sure it will go even further than that. I don’t know if anyone actually reads this, and I don’t really care anymore. It’s more for me than it is for anyone else. I need this. It’s my balance. It’s what keeps my mind stable because few things do nowadays.
So how the hell is you Brian? What’s the world of B-ri like?
Well, it’s chaos. It’s ever changing and turning and becoming something so vastly different than it was the day before but at the same time, I’m just the same young man going through what are essentially the same motions. Something bad happens, I react this way. Something good, I do this. Work and school and plays and the sort. I am a man of my activities and I suppose nothing more.
I felt a bit of an anxiety yesterday. It was as I was falling asleep. Impending doom type of feeling. Nothing really out of the ordinary, you know? Its strange how just a few days ago, I was gone. I was able to leave what was in this world. You do understand that our reality is all just some collective conscious creation. It’s not anything that we can’t change completely. And I mean everything. All of this meaning that is tossed upon our existence, and yet we are all nothing more than these soft little animals that like to fight and fuck for fun. We build our homes and our towns and our cities and our nations and so many other things and we say “Well whatever I have has to be the most important thing there is and everything else’s stuff is just shit and not worth as much as what I have”.
“You know that can’t be true”.
“Well why not?”
“Because all of those things are so fleeting and impermanent. They will eventually turn to dust, as you will, as will the one you love, as will everything you’ve ever known. But it won’t really matter, because you won’t even notice”.
“Doesn’t that scare you though?”
Of course it scares me! It scares the ever-loving shit out of me. My ego cannot handle the fact that it’s not the most important thing that there is. How can I find comfort in the fact that everything that has meaning to me is all just a scam and the meaning is just made up? I don’t have a god that can lie to me. I gave up on that awhile ago. I am a bit jealous if you have one. It would be nice to believe in something.
In all honesty, I’m just hoping that it’s still sunny when I actually make it outside today. I’m just hoping that I start feeling better more often. I’m just hoping that things get easy enough where I stop complaining, but stay challenging enough so I don’t get bored. I would like to be with a nice girl who actually wants to be with me too. And if I find that girl, I’d like for the circumstances to be nicer than they usually are. But with that type of thing is always with a catch, at least as far as I’ve learned.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to come up with answers. I’ve spent a lot of time upset and angry at fate. I’ve wasted a lot of my life away on nothing. I’ve wasted time sleeping in longer than I should have. I wasted a lot of time getting wasted. I’d like to say that I won’t waste anymore time, but come on. Of course I will dawdle through my life at times, and there will be times for sprinting. I just need to start jogging, or I’m going to have a heart attack.
Because a man is not a man, unless he has a heart beating in his chest. And that heart is filled with passions and drive and thirst for something greater. That is the true test of a man. At least, it would be cool to think that. Oh well, I’ll see you next year anyway.