Sunday Morning Thoughts 9.4.11

Where the fuck do I get off being sad? I must have some nerve to be able to go around saying that everything sucks and that life sucks and that you suck and I suck and everyone sucks. What the fuck do I know about pain? It’s pretty conceited if you ask me. Just think, right now as I sit here at my stupid little desk job at my private college thinking of what to say, there, just like that, some kid just starved to death in Somalia.

There’s another one. Someone just got killed by a gun somewhere else in the world. And there’s a person who just killed them self. I’m sure a beautiful young innocent girl is getting raped in some alleyway or by a friend and some kid is getting beaten to shit by their drunk parent. Someone just died of a heroin overdose because they just couldn’t deal anymore and someone else lost a fight with AIDS. There was a fire that some kid started as a joke that burnt a few people alive. They’re no longer alive. Someone just got abused by the cops and beat to death, while some piece of shit crook just killed a cop with a family when trying to rob a gas station. Cancer and heart disease and none of it really matters because this whole place has to be going down soon.

There cannot be anyway that it’s not. The planet is getting rid of us and we are getting rid of ourselves. People are lying and cheating and stealing and killing and hurting all over this rock just so that their chance of making it to tomorrow is just a little bit better than someone else’s. And all of this precious gift is being tossed away, as though it were nothing and had no meaning. I don’t know any of those people either. So why do I bother to care? Why bother to mention it?

It’s the guilt that comes with being a human, I guess. The only thing is that guilt doesn’t apply to anyone anymore. See the real problem here is that the world is so damn self-concentrated. Not saying that can’t be cool sometimes, but it’s got to the point of total ignorance. Ignorance in the pursuit of the bliss that was promised, but for some that just won’t do, isn’t that right Brian? No matter what, the thought will hang around the foot of your bed.

What if I can’t stop him? What if I can’t save him? He says that there’s no point any longer and I seem short of words to convince him otherwise. The world sucks so how am I supposed to make it look like it’s not all of that bad a place to live?

It is worth it, despite how it sucks. I have no idea how to prove that other than trusting you can find the hope within yourself. That’s all there is to do, but it’s also all you have to do. The world is not going to stop from being a shitty place, but there are parts of it that are alright. We are small enough creatures to still be able to live in the smaller parts, metaphorically speaking.

But to be honest, I don’t even know where my mind is at all. This week in my little bubble has been far too turbulent to make any sense of anything, as if I were able to make sense of anything before. In case you don’t know, I never have, nor will I ever truly make sense to anyone, most of the time including myself. I’ll say vague things that mean nothing unless you shed the ol’ bullshit light on it the right way and make all of the cracks seem like part of the artwork.

I have had a life that was without bullshit. I had a life where I wasn’t so cynical. I had a life where I was happy too. There were times when I believed everything was alright and that life was good and even if it messed up a little, I was going to be ok with any motion the universe makes.

I still want to change the world, because I believe that I have to at least try. I still want to inspire and fill the hearts of my fellow man with that benevolent passion that creates all that is good. I want to love another person so deeply that the comfort I find in them is always enough. I want to make everything ok. I want to make life better, not just for me, but for everyone. If there is something that I can do to stop the hate and greed and indifference and anger and sadness, I want to do that. Now trust me, I am terrified of all of this. To stand there and look your fate in the face and say “Hey, fuck you” is quite a feat. But I shall fulfill this nonetheless. I don’t think that people are evil, but I do think that we’re in trouble.

Still it’s nothing that hasn’t been dealt with before and I’m sure it’s not anything we won’t deal with again. Just stay strong kids and fight the urge to do evil.

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