Sunday Morning Thoughts 8.28.11

So yet again, within the same week, the apocalypse seems to have been dulled down into a minor inconvenience and a new twitter page or whatever. I don’t use twitter, so I don’t really know what the proper terminology is. Nor do I really care.

My computer just shut down out of nowhere a little while ago, which was rather peculiar. Maybe it was from the hurricane that was really only a tropical storm, or the earthquake that I didn’t even feel. Maybe I’m just too numb. Maybe the world is too soft.

I got heartbroken the other night. A bit sloshed and feeling lonely. Partly for the attraction of the opposite sex, partly for the parts of my life that had passed. College just isn’t the same without those glorious men, although they haven’t died or anything like that. They just graduated, but I am sad just the same. I also long for companionship, I suppose. I don’t know if I’ll be getting into all of that right now though. I suppose it’s better if I don’t, but I probably will later anyway.

I am glad that I was right. The power is still on and nothing all that bad has really happened yet. Everybody was shitting their pants over this and that, but I kept my cool and said that it wasn’t going to be all that bad. I do believe I was right thus far, but then again it would not surprise me if the light went out right now as I spoke…. Come on… prove me wrong… Nothing?

Fair enough. So, I had a thought and when I have one of those, I sometimes record it hear. What if, and stay with me on this one, in my pursuit of becoming a comedian, I actually got up on stage and told some jokes? I know?!? It’s a rather maverick idea, but call me a lunatic running for president and sign me up. I should tell jokes in this, or at least the stories I would like to make into jokes. Like the one about me choking in the mall. That one is pretty good.

Ok, you convinced me. But before I start you should understand something about me and my relationship with food. When I am eating, I have the instinctual belief that just takes complete control that tells me that if I don’t eat my food as fast as physically possible, someone will immediately come up and take it away from me. Idiotic I know, but think about who you’re talking about. So this has obviously led to me having some close calls with choking before in my life, but there was one day in the lovely paradise we humans call the mall that really takes the cake, which is not too easy to actually choke on.

So I was eating a sandwich with my friend who now hates me because I never want to hang out with him, but that’s a whole different story. Anyway, upon trying to complete the task of eating, I take a bite that is far too big and I begin to choke on it. Now since I fancy myself a professional at such things, I remained calm and tried to either get it down or up on my own. So after about thirty seconds, I realized that this may be the real deal, so I made the executive decision to stand up and make the international sign for choking. And this could be the exact moment in my young life where I lost all faith in mankind.

My friend recognized that I was choking, but did nothing because he didn’t know what to do. Ignorance is bliss. So realizing that he was doing nothing but panicking, I made my rounds to the other tables in the food court, which was moderately full with people. So I just stood up and moved around the area hoping for a savior. There was an older man with his wife and young grandchildren sitting at the table nearby. I remember he looked me in the eyes, and then turning to his wife, whispered, “I think that boy is choking”. I made the international sign for choking to which he responding, “Yeah, he’s definitely choking,” and then turned back to his meal and his family without even flinching.

I couldn’t tell you how long I’d been going for at this point, but I decided I needed to take action myself and for those of you who don’t know, which I’m going to assume is most of you, you can perform a makeshift Heimlich maneuver on yourself using that back of a chair. So I started to do just that, except the chairs in the food court are absurdly low, and it requires a bit of force to properly do it, so now the choking boy looks like he’s got this weird fetish for humping seating arrangements in public places. After a few tries, it works and the food goes either up or down, I don’t remember. And this is where the bullshit really happens.

As soon as I stand up, this ass wipe comes up from behind me and wrapping his arms around my stomach, begins to gently thrust into me. This under no possible circumstance would save anyone’s life from anything, and besides, I was no longer choking. So I told him that I was fine and he walked off to his table. I think some idiot clapped and I went back to my sandwich. I wasn’t going to thank him, because he didn’t do anything, but after finishing my meal I figured he could use the chance to feel like a hero. So I walked over to where he was sitting and it just so happens he’s with two attractive women. It was just then I realized that by thanking him, I am getting him the potential to get laid for doing absolutely nothing beside something that most would consider a little gay.

But I swallowed my pride and shook his hand and thanked him for doing nothing. Needless to say, I did not get laid that night. On the bright side, I did live to see many more days of me not getting laid. But I suppose most people have more days not getting laid in their life, than days spent getting laid. That’s why everyone likes fucking so much. I don’t know why anyone cares about that love nonsense though. That’s just a load of bullshit.

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