I wonder how often I’m lied to without ever knowing it. I wonder if people even know that they just lie to each other. It seems as though we feel this necessity in creating something that’s different from the reality. How often is someone lied to for their own good, or because the truth is more that the liar or the chump being lied to can handle? The government lies to us, the news lies to us, our preachers lie to us, our teachers, our friends, our families, your boyfriend, your girlfriend… all of them are liars. Maybe there reasons are their own and to whatever diluted sense of justice they have, believe that it is all for the best.
You are dust. I am dust. And someday after that, all of that dust will wither away into even less. It will be nothing. I will be nothing. You will be nothing. If you want to be in love, the person you love will be nothing someday. All of your friends will be gone. The one who got away will never be caught. You can’t catch nothingness.
Why so somber so early? Well, I got up around 11 a.m. which is kind of lame in itself and after reading for a bit, I felt compelled to write. I don’t know why, but I never do. Maybe it was to combat the feeling, or lack thereof, of value and worth. Maybe it was to clear my mind of the overwhelming sexual tension the is built up in my mind just from being a man who isn’t getting any. Maybe it’s the whole home thing, although that excuse is also getting rather lame.
I guess I’ll get a haircut today. I miss my car. I could just drive of somewhere with my car, but it’s less than easy to do with someone else’s. I would like to run away. My mind never lets go of stress, so I feel stressed out most of the time. I don’t know if I actually have more stress than most, but I know that I hold on to it for longer. Maybe I should try a sober thing? Maybe I should take care of my body and trust my mind will follow.
I thought about deleting my Facebook today. It’s a good thought, but I assume I’m not strong enough. Which is sad. But I’ll be sad, if only for a bit longer. It would just be better to not use it. Or at the very least not waste my entire life looking at the same pictures of people and shit. Brian, if the girl didn’t like you in high school, you had best just toss the thought. If she didn’t like you in college either, you had best move on while there is still college left. Blah. Blah Blah Blah.
I’ll read more today. I’ll get my haircut. I’ll try not to spend more money than that. I’ll try and not resort to and mind altering substances. I’ll just try and meditate, which has always worked.
You can guess at whether that is sarcasm for yourself.