Sunday Morning Thoughts 6.26.11

Dear Diary,

I find it hard to explain why I never seem to do anything despite all of the intention I throw. I find it hard to explain because… because why Brian? Why?

Hold on, let me guess. You had a nice week and yet won’t stop bitching about fuck knows what, for no fucking reason? You want to be some sort of existentialist, but the things you say are no different that the stupid bullshit that everyone else says. You attach yourself to the ideas and believe that those ideas are life and nothing else ever will be. So when those ideas just become to unreasonable to believe, you just get sad. That doesn’t make you a philosopher; it makes you a little bitch.

A philosopher solves problems. You just talk about yours. You’re like a mental patient.

“Hey man, watch how you talk.”

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“What the fuck? I can’t say mental patient anymore?”

“Some people are sensitive about it.”

“Thanks for filing me in, fuck face.”

Now does that seem like a solution to you? I didn’t think so. I do want to be some sort of vessel of enlightenment, but I’m none too good at it. I suppose that is only natural. Time and stuff. Not being able to look through time for infinite wisdom kinda blows. But still, I must have gathered some sort of spiritual illumination by now. Even if it’s not much, it’s something. And it could also be supposed that there’s more of the universe juice about me than there was last week. The progression reveals the entire piece for what it is. It is all one, but tiny eyes can only see tiny parts.

You know, if you’re blind you can still see images in your dreams. Imagine what that must be like to spend every night experience something that you never could in conscious reality. It must feel like heaven. It must look like heaven. And it does, because this is heaven. And Hell. And all that lies between.

Speaking of between, writing stuff. I don’t know what I’m going to do about writing. Other than therapy web seshes that no one reads, I haven’t written much all month. I’m  wondering about this story I’m writing. I don’t know if I should ax it or not. I don’t know if it’s either the idea hasn’t quite ripened yet or it is just a dumb idea, but I can’t think up anything good to come next. I should probably start thinking my stories through before I write them. I should also proofread, but fcuk that.

Hahaha… wow this is sad. So the last sentence of the last paragraph, the fuck was intentionally spelt wrong and I wrote that as t a t h, but spellcheck won’t let you do that. Damn, I guess I never realized the freedom that is lost with the computer. I should make t a t h a word and sue Microsoft, because I would so win. Come on, Bill Gates dropped out of college, he’s a fucking loser. Richard Branson also dropped out of school too. But he’s pretty badass. The guy has some record for flying around the world. That shit is nuts.

But now that I wasted so much time looking up Richard Branson on Wikipedia, I suppose that my train of thought is gone. Goodbye thought, I will miss you.

New thought? New thought. The new thought is that all life is a waste because nothing can ever seem to appreciate it enough. I don’t think anyone ever will either. If they did, it would cease to be life. Life is never good, nor is it bad. It just is and it’s life and nothing more. It can’t be. If it were, we wouldn’t be calling it life. Life is sort of like a burden for the human mind, just because we are so prone to mass destruction. If I could, maybe I would destroy everything. I might not be as moral and valiant as I like to think I am. Hell, I don’t even proofread. What kind of immoral maniac would do such things?

This immoral maniac would, and does and will forever because that’s all the time I’ve got. I have eternity and not a second more, so I’d better not waste it. There’s a lot to do, especially among the blinding lights to energy and rather silly idea know as existence.


Brian Sears


P.S.- I don’t really have anything else to say, but in the off chance that you only quickly skimmed this and were only going to read the post script, please give it a try. It’s short and stupid and if it sucks, I’ll stop… most likely… probably not at all.


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