Sunday Morning Thoughts 6.19.11

Do you think that if someday, I actually make something of myself and become this person that I’ve claimed to be so capable of being, that all of these little thoughts that I type up every week will be part of the story. Will they be in my biography? The Thoughts of a Young Brian Sears. But what are the thoughts of a young Brian Sears?

He’s tired. He’s scared. He’s in awe and shock of everything. He feels the burden of this era and age upon his shoulders. Why? Beats me man. My room is a mess. My mind is no better. It’s not screaming as loud but that’s part of the problem. It’s quite. It won’t say this or that or lend to any type of answer. It wants to run away. So do I. But where to run to? What to do when I get there? Let me ask you this, and then I’ll ask you that. You have three hours to fill in as many answers you can. Number 2 pencil please and if you are caught looking at anyone else’s page, you life will be ripped up on the spot and you will receive a failing grade. Quit your whining, those are the rules and if you don’t like them, tough titties my friend.

I’ve been thinking about girls and love and all that. I think about it because I’m alone. I wonder if I’ll ever find what it is that I’m looking for. I don’t know what it is and I don’t have any delusions about what it may be anymore. I really haven’t the slightest clue. I may never find and just be alone.

I’d like to take a moment and thank all of the people who have told me I would. I won’t call you a liar, although I might as well. But you’re a beautiful liar, as you told me you were. I’m not mad, because I can’t be mad at you. What were you to do? You said all that you thought you could in that effort to spare my fragile little soul. So thanks, I guess.

Still, I know not what to be doing. I have many great ideas but can’t seem to convince myself of any of them. I had a man in McDonald’s ask me about what I do for school. I said I’m a broadcast major. He said I have a voice for performing. He said immediately it caught his attention. I handed him is Quarter Pounder with Cheese and thank him. I’ve had other people tell me things like that. I’ve had people tell me that kind of stuff my entire life. A few years ago, I had a parent of one of my old students tell my boss that she was convinced I was going to become famous. Why do people say such things? Are they lying to me too? But why lie? What need do they have to make up such fibs to fill my head? They hardly even know me. They wouldn’t even know my name, if it wasn’t for my nametag.

Motivation is the dream. You become convinced that you need something else to do anything. The illusions of this world just become more than you can ignore. I know how it is and yet it seems to be not. And it doesn’t matter because this is rather boring. I don’t blame you for getting away from me. I can’t imagine I’m very easy to deal with. I’m all full of want and not a single action towards any of it. I wait and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait for something to come my way that I knew wasn’t coming so very long ago. And I do know that, trust me. In my last shining moment, I remember when I knew it was gone and blah, blah, blah.

More crap for the moment. Hopefully the next decade of my life will be a little more revealing and uplifting than the last.

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