Smooth jazz on the radio and a mild temper in my heart and so goes the first week of summer. I’m employed by the man, but it’s not all that bad because there is plenty of dissidence among the parts to this machine and as nigga Roy so boldly claims, “I don’t get paid enough to give a fuck”.
But with work comes work and with work, I suppose results will eventually reveal themselves and if they don’t, well I suppose anything is always better than nothing, even if I don’t really believe that. I shall gain some of that all too necessary monetary bullshit and maybe take some of those woes away for a time, even though I know that they are doomed to return. I’ve been making a few small strides to repair and make my body back to what it was, and I feel better because of it. Just a little bit of movement a few days a week does wonders to re-energize this pile of meat wrapped in such pale skin.
But as for nigga Brian, he just stares out the window hoping to find little Buddha’s in the clouds and only winding up with toads. I’m sure that the toads mean something but for now I don’t feel like looking for symbols. For now, I’m just working on getting back to square one or some other way of saying that I’d like to just tear all of the crap away from my mind and soul and just see what is there and what always has been there and what always will be there, without all of the muck blocking my view of what is true to me and what is truly me, even if it is something I hate and despise because if it is then it’s not because I cannot hate what I am. I suppose I could, but I shouldn’t and I don’t think I do because I know I don’t. I don’t hate the person that lies under all of these clothes and skin and whatnot. I hate circumstance and feelings and all those things that I can’t control, but that just comes with being a human, and a sad human at that.
Still I find nothing wrong with being a sad little being because that only proves the nature of my soul, which is one of compassion because only when you care and value and love can you be sad. Sad people create beautiful things, often times out of pain, but they’re beautiful all the same. So I will do my best to not waste the sadness and concern and worry and try and make something of it in the hopes that my dreams will someday be met. I can’t say for sure if they ever will, but I can say that there is nothing left to do but try and try and hope you never forget me. It may be vain but let’s be honest here, I’m a little vain. And by a little, I mean extremely but that’s just how I am, for now at least and maybe forever but there’s only one way to tell and that’s to let life take it’s course and hope that someday the daydreams just become part of it all, at which point I’m sure I’ll dream up new ones. I feel that a person without dreams is not a person, and a person who dreams only at night is on their way to losing that humanity that we all love to talk about loving so much.
So for now I say goodbye, until I type something else for you (which is probably no one) to see and wonder. That’s all I really want in this life, is wonder and to wonder and make all things full of wonder or at least find wonder in all things. Sure, I get scared in my imagination. I get scared that you’re gone and you may very well but such is life.
I was thinking of stopping writing because I got up to 666 words, but since the rapture did not occur, at least to my knowledge, I will refrain. Maybe it did though, and this is hell and we just can’t notice it because we’ve already been here for so long. Or perhaps this is heaven or nirvana and we are all just to vain and full of wonder to notice it. Who knows?