I’m back home and so begins my months of the dharma bum summer scheme. I lost connection with a very important person and to be honest, I don’t know if I could have gone any longer the way I was. My year of darkness is over and I have no more time to waste. There’s so much on my mind, so we have best start the dive into all of this or else be consumed by thought and question.
To start, the school year is over and that means I am half way through this little experiment called college. So where have I come? Well upon clicking through Facebook pictures with stoned thought, I’ve realized how far I’ve come and how much of a blur it all seems. Despite my bouts of depression, I shouldn’t belittle the things that I’ve done. I’ve accomplished so much and met so many people along the way. But as I marched into the Javits center with cameras flashing, I felt a bit like a rock star which is always nice. Still with the class of 2011 now gone, I think about the impeding and relentless pressure of time. I suppose I’ve been dodging dwelling on this, but I’m growing up. No longer will my three role models be my peers and never again with all the memories of the last two years be. My friends have graduated and though it breaks my heart, it also inspires me. One is going right into the work force with a suit and tie and responsibility. Another is staying for more school as he works his way through his master’s. The third is packing his bags and heading off for California to chase his dream of acting. I have learned so much from those three men and if any of them are reading this, you know who you are and I just wanted to thank you. You have helped make me into who I am and have guided me in ways that neither you nor I can even begin to truly comprehend.
I have to go to McDonald’s today to talk to the hiring manager, which will hopefully lead to a job. Yeah, I know you may judge but the golden arches will hire me for the few months that I’m home so I’ll mop floors and flip burgers for a few bucks. I’ve done worse for less. There’s that and there’s me trying to get back into shape and take a little better care of my body. Working out used to keep my mind in pretty decent shape, so it really wouldn’t kill me to make a bit of an effort.
And with all the free time I’ll have, I shall fill with my passions. I will write and jam and read and grow because if I stop growing, I’m dead. I’ll go out into the woods and get lost and maybe find something that I haven’t seen in so long that I won’t even recognize it. I want to create and have something to show for it. I want to start throwing my ideas into the world and hope that someone appreciates them. I want success and I want to feed my ego because the ball is in my court, not that it wasn’t always because it was, but now the pressure builds and I must rise to the calling or fall behind to a life that I would consider a waste.
And of course, no Sunday morning thought (even though it’s Monday) is complete without some sort of cry for my muse. I think I’ve come to an understanding that may be wrong or may be right, as all things I understand may be, that tells me that desperation is not attractive. I know, I know, it sounds crazy but it’s true my friends. So to you my muse, I plan on becoming the man I once was, and really have always been, but better. I know that as with the pursuit of all beautiful women, I am not the only one looking to gain your attention, but I do know that I have done it before and I know how I did it because it was exactly the opposite of what I have been doing. So be warned, despite anything that may have discouraged me, I will chase you even if it cost me my soul because I would gladly give it all to relive the bliss that was once there and I shall not relent in my effort to share that with you. I’m not going to fear failure (even though I do) and I will not fear disappointment (even though nothing scares me more) because there are few things in this world that will actually sooth my heart and mind and I will not abandon my life to darkness if I have any will left in my body.
I know I will be depressed again and I know I will die, but I don’t care and neither should you. Fear is the only thing that keeps us from taking over the world and I’m tired of the hopelessness that creeps up when I grow too frightened of life. It won’t always go my way, but I can make some things happen and others I can’t but I’ll be damned to the deepest pit of hell before I let you completely slip away and become lost in a life of quiet desperation. And that is that, my friends