So I sit, at my desk, in my home and I wonder where to go. I don’t know what it is about me that leaves my mind so filled with nonsense and worries all the time. I get upset and angry easily. I get jealous easily. I rarely see the error of my ways and what consequences may be a result of my actions. I don’t have faith or religion. I don’t have many things, but that’s a lie because I have many things. So then why the want? Why the constant craving for something else? Why won’t it let me be? Why can’t I just be me? Why do I have to try and impress this person and have issues with someone else? Why, man? Why?
And that my friends, is the essence of being human… I suppose. I don’t really know, but if I had to take a guess as to what the essence of humanity was, I’d say that. Just one word that embodies the whole point of human existence. And there is an answer too, but we’re all just too human to accept it. If you ask why, the answer is because. No matter what it may be about, it just is because that’s how it is. And I don’t know about you, but that infuriates the shit out of me. I shake my fist at the heavens and cry out “Because? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s the best you’ve got? Fuck you”. Then I would be immediately reprimanded by a bolt of lightning from the clouds. But there is no bolt of lightining, there is only because and I, and all the other creatures that walk on two legs with conscious thought have to just suck it up and be ok with it.
But then why do anything? Well duh… because. Fuck me right? Or don’t, that’s cool too. So can I just do as I please and when somebody asks me why, I can look them in the eye and say ‘because’? Well if I’m not willing to take that as an answer, I don’t believe that anyone else will either.
But that’s not why I’m here, or is it? I don’t really know. I haven’t written as much in the past few days, so I suppose this is just catching up. But I might as well take this time to reach out to you, the poor soul reading this. Tell me your woes and maybe I can help. I probably can’t offer you much besides kind words and a smile, but maybe that’s all we really need. But I’d really like to figure out where I need to go with my life next, so if anyone else finds themselves in this rather slowly sinking boat, let me know. If I’m going to drown, I’d rather not do it alone. So my advice to myself and to you would be to find comfort in something and let everything grow from there. Even if that thing goes away and fades off into nothingness, the life you built from it may not. But it may, so I suppose you should be prepared for that. I personally, just want to live and feel warmth in my heart. I’ve done it before, so I know I can, but the question is how. Or better yet, the question is why. And the answer is because. Nice little circle, right?