So I’m a bit doped on pain killers and it is now Thursday, so I’m many days late on this. I don’t know where to really start because so much has happened. Life seems to be getting the best of me.
So we’ll start there. I had a bit of a breakdown yesterday. I was supposed to get on the train and get home, but instead got very sick after a brownie and some wine. This in turn, caused me to have to call up my mom and have her come get me. I went home, went to sleep after blaming my sickness on the wine and woke up this morning with an absurd amount of pain in my mouth. So off to the dentist I go to sit and wait in that awkward chair for who knows how long being forced to listen to the hits of the “80’s, 90’s and today!” which drove me further off the edge. My mouth is infected a bit from where my wisdom tooth is growing, hence the pain and getting sick. An infection of the mouth can apparently also make you feel physically sick, which may explain yesterday better.
But I got scared man. My brother just gave me what was left of my car. It’s the name from the back but it was broken so now all it says is “utlass Su” which breaks my heart. Amidst all my puking and trying to keep the world from spinning so much, I asked myself why do I bother? And I couldn’t find an answer. Even the things that I love and crave, I’m scared are impermanent. I keep looking for something, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe it’s just nothing and then what? What if everything I think means so much, has no value and if it does, it will only run away and smash my heart into a million pieces.
But, I’m feeling better today. It helps being home and it helps that the pain is gone. And I should really just focus on other things. I had an interesting start to this week. Gerard visiting for a few days was nice. A little enjoyment is never bad and besides, one of us was on vacation, that counts. Aside from my little episode yesterday, it was quite a good time.
And now Miss Julie is over. Thank Satan. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great experience as an actor, but a 19 year old college student, it sucked. And since I hadn’t really gotten a break since the Wedding Singer, I’ve been quite drained. Again, another factor contributing to yesterday, I’m sure. But The first show as Jean, but the second was different. I don’t get stage fright easily or often. Sunday, I did. But I suppose that’s what happens when there’s someone in the audience you are trying to impress. I must tell you, it was hard to not just stare at her when I was on stage, but Jean prevailed and I made it through the show.
I spent the rest of the day learning to remember a part of me that I had buried. I was a gentleman, don’t worry, but I still am uncertain how I feel, just because I shut myself off for so long. I had gotten my nerves all worked up, but I can say that seeing her helped. It had been too long. Now I just have to figure out where to go from here. Any clues?
That’s fine, I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out. I just don’t want to be scared of this stuff anymore. I want to feel free. I want to live and feel all I am capable of feeling. Is that so much? Don’t let my life erode from beneath me. Who the hell am I even asking?