It’s not morning… it’s much later than that. I woke up a half an hour ago and don’t remember much past the early hours of this afternoon. Upon waking up, I was mad but now… I seem to have settled. Maybe it’s because I’m still decently trashed and am comfortably resting at my desk, with all these words falling before me from my mind.
But let’s be real for a moment today. What happened to today? I couldn’t fucking tell you. I don’t know, I was just upset with how I don’t have what I want in my life, so I had some shots with a man just as lost, if not more lost than I. So my falling mentor and I drank away all our woes, but they still followed us, and bombard us still. You still haven’t told me. Really?
But I’ve enjoyed what I have gotten from today, and what I still may get. Let’s talk about what once was. Ahhh… hometown being mentioned in a song, well Poughkeepsie at least. Yeah that’s right, the Avett’s are good enough to be able to not only fit a word like Poughkeepsie, but also have the consciousness to be able to appreciate such a place as Po-town for its ability to create so much and yet so little.
But I’m dying. I’m dying for you and blah and blah and blah. I hate how slow my hands are and that they can’t keep up with my mind. I hate how shitty this computer is to type on.
Ok… so I walked away from this for awhile, so we’ll call this part two. I’ve sobered some and vented some pent up tension from my ever wailing soul. I still don’t know what may happen in the future, but I know I’d like to try for a few things. I’ve been angry, but really for no reason. I can’t let small and stupid people get to me, especially when they intend to. Come on dude, you’re a little better than that. I’m talking to myself so don’t get confused.
But I talked to a sweet girl about things that used to be unspeakable. I thought at first it might be strange, but it’s really not. At least I hope it’s not. I fell right back into it, I’ve just conditioned myself so far to the other way that it’s just feels in almost in an indescribable way. It’s not a new feeling, but it’s been so long. I was choking the little romantic inside of me, just because that’s what romantics do. I’m a bit dramatic, ask anybody who saw me Friday. Or today for that matter. Two time blacking out this weekend… one of them was before the sun even went down. Kerouac meditation, I like to call it. He was my favorite kind of Buddhist…. the kind that drank himself to death, a real 20th century romantic.
But it’s no longer that time. I can’t hitchhike because someone will stab me. I can’t buy cigarette with change. I can’t drive across the country drunk and get with wild girls. I’m a 21st century romantic, which is a whole new animal that no one really understands yet. I don’t know how many of us there are out there, I could be the only one. I don’t know if I should reach out and if I should, how? How then? Not with caresses and pretty speeches? Not with plans for the future and rescues from disgrace? How then?
Damn you Miss Julie. Positive note, I now know that I can also perform that show drunk… win. I may be developing a serious problem. Actually, I know I am. I am a serious problem, but I don’t care. This is the most care free and effortless my writing has been in a very long time. I don’t feel that wall anymore. I don’t care if it’s all lies, I really don’t. I’ve been lied to so much already, what’s one more? Life has been shitting all over me. My world may be crumbling, but I don’t care. Who needs it? I can make a new one. A better one.
Because all you see around you can be ours. Don’t be afraid, because fear will just hold us where we were and heaven knows we don’t want to stay there. I don’t and once I tear those walls down again, neither will you. And trust me when I say, I’m doing that for you. I am, because if you knew that girl like I did you would want to tear those walls down yourself. Something that beautiful should not have to be covered up. I won’t allow such injustice to take place.
I guess I just want to be happy, but don’t know if I ever really will be. And if I can’t be, it’s only because I won’t allow myself to be. I know, believe me, people have already given me shit about it. It’s just something I can’t change. I have a job to do. I have to try and make something beautiful happen on this damn rock. If I don’t, who will? And we need it. This entire planet may just kill each other if we don’t step it up and get to the next level. But they need help, as do I. But someone has to make the big sacrifice and offer their soul up to the gods as a bounty and let’s face it, I’m narcissistic enough. I’d like to live forever. I’d like my name to be known, and after throwing up in the bar at like, fuck, I don’t know, three in the afternoon today; I’ve realized that I am well on my way to doing it.
But I digress. In brief, I hope you read this and if and when you do… ummm… ok, I haven’t really thought this far ahead, but nonetheless, I’m sure that things will follow accordingly as they were always meant too. It’s weird… I’m listening to Simon and Garfunkel. It’s been too long. I don’t want to get mad right now, I just want to live.
My mind’s distracted and diffused,
My thoughts are many miles away.
They lie with you when you’re asleep,
And kiss you when you start your day.