Thinking on the Train 3.31.10

So what is it that keeps me going? Why do I drag myself through all the woes and pains of life, experiencing disappointment almost every step of the way? Why do I bother? It’s not like the history of my life really gives me reason to keep trying. I fail… a lot, especially when it comes to that whole love nonsense. I’ve been so drowned in the failed romantic attempts and relentless let downs of girls come and gone, that I’m not even sure that I know how to love. Is it even real, or is it just some made up idea that mankind created so we’ll put up with each other long enough to not kill each other? The cynicism is dripping off of me like the sweat of a fat man going up a flight stairs. I’m so tired of believing in all of this nonsense and I’m sick of wasting my time and thoughts on trying to find it.

Who am I kidding? Myself? I’m no cynic, at least not yet. I should be, but I’m not because for whatever inexplicable reason, I still believe in romance, and love, and all that jazz. I can’t help it. It’s how I’m designed. I’m a lover, not a fighter. I still hold on to the belief of being able to have love. I don’t know why, I really don’t. I’ve been let down by so many, so many times. I’ve broken my heart too many times to count, and yet I hold on. I hold on to that light, hoping I’ll find it.

I guess I really do live for those moments. Those moments when you look into each other’s eyes, and can’t even speak, because you already know what each other are thinking. The way she sings quietly along with every song I play, but hides it if I stop singing. The way I can talk to her for hours straight, and never get bored. How she makes that face when she makes a joke. How she crinkles her nose and shrugs her shoulders when she laughs. The way she pretends to not know me when we’re walking next to each other…. Christ…

I’ve fallen. Damn it. All this talk of you being done with women and you’ll never buy into it again. Hook. Line. Sinker. You’re done kid. She’s got you know and you love it, but there’s a reason for it. There’s something about her. She digs music… the music that you’ve always loved. She’s smart, smarter than me. She’s funny, she’s clever, and she’s got style to her, her own style. She watches 50’s movies and listens to oldies. And the best part is, she’s gorgeous. And she’s so real and there are no walls with her. She can be herself, and I can be myself. And her eyes… oh her eyes.  I could just look into those eyes until the world falls apart and crumbles into nothing, and I just might.

Don’t kid yourself, I live for this, but I’ve never felt it like this. It’s like I’m a little kid again. I get the butterflies and the works. When I’m with her I feel like I’m in the plot of a hip, young, indie, romance movie. I watched her walk away today… it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I think that’s when I knew it too, when her walking away was one of the greatest and yet saddest moments of my life. Great because she is the closest thing to perfect that I have ever seen. Sad because I’m scared someday she’s going to walk away, and not turn around, not come back, and then she’ll be gone, but honestly, it would be worth the pain to just have a few more moments with her before it’s too late because if I let her go now, I’ll never know the happiness I could have with her.

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