Sunday Morning Thoughts 4.3.11

What do you do if you feel that no matter what you say, think or do; you are convinced that you are just going to waltz through life with a firm belief that your soul will never experience any kind of satisfaction? Good things can happen and you can feel nice every once in a while, maybe actually be a little happy but nothing will ever get rid of it all and just leave you free. Why do I crave it so? I ask this of you because I feel as though you may be the only person who may be able to give me any sort of consolation. I don’t even know if you can, but I may as well ask. Be vague… it’s fine, just maybe something small that I may not understand at first.

But then it’s possible that I’ve already been given the sign, in which case, how do I not fuck up worse than I usually do? Ahhh, it’s so peculiar.

It’s chaotic, my mind she is. While you may sit in silence with a few gentle thoughts, I have screaming inside of mine. Does anyone else have this problem? Can anyone else get nothing done because they can’t escape the torment of possibilities freezing everything in this stupid fucking physical world?

Aghhhhhhhhhhhh…. And yet no one hears this. I sit in my room next to my roommate and he has no idea of the blasting noise bouncing around in my stupid little shaved noggin. Well he may, just because I have shared my thoughts with him. But even he can’t believe how fucked up I am sometimes. But why? I ask why is nothing simple. Why do I have to be forced to feel like the whole world is falling upon my shoulders? It’s not like I don’t have other things to do. I need nothingness, but not the bullshit kind, the real kind of white light emptiness that just floats in the air. I want to float in the air. Just leave this whole rock beneath me and all the things that come with it. But I’m sure I’d have to come back down eventually, and when I do all that I’ve been putting off will be waiting for me just to show me how much they’ve grown.

But I’ve never been good with decisions. I’ve never been good with knowing what’s best. I suppose that most of this won’t really matter after awhile. Everything seems to fade. But that doesn’t mean it does fade. I know things that I thought I had, and never did. They creep up on me and it sucks. It may be a thorn in my side or it may be the lingering shimmer of hope shining through the cracks of all I’ve got in this world and this life. But those within themselves are not permanent things. The world and life I mean, or at least my version of those two things. Of course, if any of my dreams ever do come true, my life may live longer than my body, but only if it’s for the forces of good.

Maybe I should worry a little more about that. You know, my legacy and what not. I should take a stronger chance at this whole immortality thing. Maybe I really can live forever. But I would only want to if this little existence of mine actually has some sort of heavy substance. But I suppose that’s the only way you do live forever. The difference between fame and legend. Fame fades, but a legend lives on and may fill the heart of some other sentient being with some sort of benevolent inspiration that will lead him or her to do something so grand that only their mind can dream it up and therefore are morally obligated to follow through with it as it is their unique creation.

But I get hung up on other things. I don’t want to hurt anyone; I really just want to help. And maybe make myself a little bit of happiness that I can carry around with me. But not anything that has worry intricately built into its design. I’ve had enough of that garbage.

But like I said. If you think you might like to talk to me, I’d do it soon because I may be turning into a hermit soon. Just cut myself off from everything for a while. Maybe I’ll be able to straighten my head out. Ha-ha, because I’ve always had that work in the past.


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